Worlds Smartest Inventions 4 transcript

narrator: Tonight, truTv presents...

announcer: Order now !

narrator: ... 20 incredible inventions.

announcer: Introducing Flying Pasties !

man: Yeah !

narrator: All guaranteed to make you feel great, from head...

man: Why didn't I think of that ? Oh, 'cause I have self-respect.

narrator: ... to toe.

man: Thank God this came along. For so long, I've been duct-taping flashlights to my feet.

narrator: Amazing new creations for your whole family.

man: That is a Bear Scratch ! ( roaring )

narrator: Even your pets.

woman: Oh, my God. It's a humping buddy for my dog !

narrator: Try any of these innovative new products.

announcer: Now you have a secret weapon in the battle of the bulge.

man: That's a lot better than self-control.

narrator: Satisfaction is guaranteed.

( phone ringing )

man: How do you answer that one ?

narrator: With helpful product reviews from these satisfied celebrity customers.

Daniel: You want to strengthen your wrists and really have fun ? You don't need this.

narrator: "truTV Presents: The World's Smartest Inventions."

woman: Ladies, check this out.

narrator: Available right here, right now.

man: Get the fork out of here !

announcer: Ever bring food to work or school, but when it's break time, your food has vanished ?

woman: Hey !

Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for the Fridge Locker, the easy-to-use, personal, portable, food security system.

woman: It's just a great way to tell your coworkers,"I don't trust you."

Anthony: Simply put your food or drinks into the Fridge Locker, set the lock to your secret combination, and now your food is secure wherever you take it. Use your Fridge Locker in the fridge, freezer or pantry.

woman: Help, I'm a snack that wants to be eaten by a different person than the one who put me in here !

woman: Hey, does anyone have the combination for the mayonnaise ?

Anthony: Want to keep snacks under wraps so the kids don't grab too many ? Now you can help monitor what your kids eat with the Fridge Locker.

man: Perfect for the negligent parent !

Anthony: I know what you're thinking. What prevents someone from taking the whole Fridge Locker ?

man: Don't tell me what I'm thinking, Anthony Sullivan. I'll tell myself what I'm thinking, thank you very much.

Anthony: Well, even if you take it, you still can't get into it. It's so strong, it'll hold my body weight. Still not convinced ? We put it to the ultimate strength test.This is a real-life, 800-pound grizzly bear, and even he's having a hard time getting into the Fridge Locker.

Billy: If you've got a grizzly bear at home, don't enrage it by giving it the Fridge Locker. Let it be.

Anthony: Order right now and we'll send you a second Fridge Locker absolutely free. That means you get two Fridge Lockers, a great value, all for just 19.99.

Mike: Can you just sell 'em for $10 each ? You gotta lay another one on me that I gotta try and pawn off to someone ?

Anthony: So stop those "refridge-raiders" and keep it safe with the Fridge Locker.

Brad: I want-- No ! I'm allowed three beers a shoot ! Come on !

( commentator growling )

announcer: Our animal companions have needs like our own. Natural needs and impulses can now be satisfied with creative, modern design...

Tonya: Oh, my God. It's a humping buddy for my dog !

announcer: ... in a way that is delightful to us all.

Daniel: The only thing more embarrassing than letting a dog hump your leg is buying him a sex toy.

Mike: Well, pooch, I got good news and bad news. The good news is, you get to keep your balls. The bad news is, you're gonna hump this thing for my entertainment. Go.

announcer: Simple, effective, hygienic.

Michael: Dishwasher-safe.

Judy: Honey, Spike was at it again, I need you to clean this out.

announcer: Created in France by masters of erotic design.

Kevin: Thanks, France. I feel like this should count as some sort of UN violation.

Leif: Monsieur. Your little dog is in heat ? Why not get the Hot Doll for your dog ?

Frank: Would an American ever make a stupid ( bleep ) thing like this ?No.

Loni: I know somebody from the cast is gonna try this. Go ahead, John Enos.

man: Like this. You want to get behind it and go in and out. There you go.

announcer: The Hot Doll. The first and original sex toy for trendy dogs only.

Chelsea: Let's stop playing games and castrate your dog. Thank you. Bye.

announcer: What can you sleep in and party in ?

all: Jumpin Jammerz !

announcer: Do-anything, wear-anywhere, footed pajamas.

Daisy: Jumpin Jammerz ! They're pajamas that...are pajamas.

all: Jumpin Jammerz !

Kevin: Now you can leave your pajamas on all the time and continue being in a state of denial about your crippling depression.

woman: Pajama party, Jumpin Jammerz.

Danny: Hey, if I buy one of those things, will those models come over to one of my sleepovers ?

all: Jumpin Jammerz !

Chelsea: I am tired of having to take off my pajamas just because I'm in a social setting. I am 100% behind this product.

Brad: Yeah ! Jumpin Jammerz ! What, what ? It's like I'm in some kind of preschool street gang.

man: Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. How you doing ?

man: Game time. Jumpin Jammerz.

Daniel: Nothing's more manly than watching the big game with my bros in a toasty pair of footy pajamas.

Billy: Now, are you sure it's a game. You sure it wasn't men's figure skating ?

Daniel: Oh !

all: Jumpin Jammerz !

announcer: Do anything, wear anywhere. Life's a pajama party, crash it !

Jaime: You should crash life ? Doesn't that imply you weren't invited ?

announcer: Don't wait. Order your pair of Jumpin Jammerz today.

man:If you get your Jumpin Jammerz now, we'll throw in these diapers and a rattle and a pacifier.

all: JumpinJammerz !

Brad: Who's ready for a party now ? Come on !

Ted: Hey, FYI, these don't come with a back flap for you to go to the bathroom. Don't ask me how I found that out.

narrator: Coming up... more amazing innovations.

man: That is a Bear Scratch ! ( roaring )

Chelsea: Yeah, no one's pumped about this. 'Kay ?

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Stashitware ! Just like regular underwear, but with a secret 7-x-11-inch pouch.

Daisy: Shoplifting panties, woo !

narrator: But wait ! There's more !

announcer: The Short Belt is like a traditional belt, only shorter.

man: Now when my friends ask me, "Are you wearing a belt ?" I can say... "Kinda."

narrator: And, no more T&A for the TSA.

announcer: Just put these soft, pliable panels inside your undies and keep prying eyes from spying on your privates.

Mike: What I've been doing is tucking my junk back between my legs. It doesn't protect my privacy, it just gives 'em something to talk about back there.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

Richard: Hi, I’m inventor Richard Heene. If you itch like a son of a twitch, then you need my latest invention, the patent-pending Bear Scratch!

Daisy: Do you itch like a son of a twitch? Then take your son, put him in a balloon, fly it up in the air, call the media, launch a massive manhunt and— Wait, wrong scam. Um, Bear Scratch is awesome!

Richard: The secret is in this natural textured wood and all these tiny knots. It gives you a deep, deep penetrating scratch and— Oh, man, this thing feels good. This thing’s strong. Oh. Oh, God. Now that’s a Bear Scratch! That is a Bear Scratch! (roaring)

Chelsea: Yeah, no one’s pumped about this. ’Kay? So bring it down about 12 notches.

Richard: (roaring)

Michael: He wasn’t this fired up when his kid was “missing” in the balloon.

Richard: One move for a 36-inch groove! Keep on thatching for a full scratching!

Mike: This guy’s more annoying than I ever imagined. Stop rhyming all the timing with your stupid commercial.

Richard: Bear Scratch is so easy, you just stick, screw, sway and scratch!

Danny: That doesn’t sound like a slogan. It sounds like something I’m gonna have to explain to the cops.

Richard: You could pay $7 for a lightweight back scratcher. I mean, come on, man, look at this. You could own your own Bear Scratch for only 19.99.

Mike: He doesn’t really understand how infomercials work. He’s like “For $7, you can get this one, or for $20, you could get mine!”

Billy: Do you know where I can get the flimsy one? Do you sell the flimsy one, too?

Kevin: You know, I don’t think I can commit to buying this until I see that dad exploit his kids for money one more time.

boy: Come on people from everywhere, let’s get together and scratch like a bear!

Kevin: Okay, now I’m in.

boy: Scratch like a bear up against a tree! It’s fun for you and fun for me! Bear Scratch! Wow!

Mike B.: You want to eat around here? You want a Xbox Kinect? Then you get your ass in there and you do this bear video. Choreography and everything. Yes, Dad.

man: Richard Heene with his Bear Scratch!

Richard: Honey, I don’t need you anymore! I can do it myself!

Chelsea: Um, that’s great,honey. Because I do want a divorce. Okay? This is working out perfect.

announcer: You need so much stuff when you’re going out. Pockets don’t have enough room and they certainly aren’t private. Now there’s Stashitware! Just like regular underwear, but with a secret 7-x-11-inch pouch.

Daisy: This is a wonderful product tie-in for our sister show, “ World’s Dumbest Criminals.” Shoplifting panties, woo!

announcer: Just pull forward on the elastic waistband to expose the pocket seam and stash ‘till you’re fully loaded.

Mike T.: Well, where am I supposed to keep my penis, smart guy?

Jaime: Where’s the lady version? I want to stick things down my pants, too.

announcer: If you can hold it, you can stash it. Cash, keys, condoms, lighters, jewelry, cell phones.

Mike B.: Did he put a cell phone in there? Yes, he did! ( phone ringing) How do you answer that one?

Mike T.: I was just trying to get my cell phone out, and now I’m not allowed within 500 feet of a school!

announcer: Even cigarettes.

Brad: That is one way to keep people from bumming a smoke from you anymore.

Chelsea: Why do these cigarettes smell like balls?

announcer: Stashitware is so neat and easy to use.

Billy: You can store anything in the Stashitware— a flashlight, corncobs, cucumber, zucchini and two oranges.

Leif: Oh, yeah. Whenever you’re feeling in the mood to play, all right, stash it away. There we go.

announcer: Don’t get caught with your pants down, but if you do, now you can be sure your stuff is safely stashed.

Todd: I used a pair of those to bring my lunch to work. It kept it nice and warm. Also kinda cheesy.

announcer: Don’t delay order Stashitware today!

Loni: Is that stuff in your underwear of you just happy to see me?

announcer: As Americans, we still have some basic rights and freedoms, but airport security acts like they don’t respect that. Full pat-downs, body scans. How can you preserve your God-given American right to privacy? Introducing Flying Pasties! Just put these soft, pliable panels inside your undies and keep prying eyes from spying on your privates.

Jaime: Come on, TSA employees don’t make that much. You want to take away their perks?

announcer: Flying Pasties are comfortable, washable, and best of all, they do it in style, with custom images and messages.

Kevin: Because if anyone can take a joke, it’s a TSA agent.

Brad: Oh, no, Officer. I’m not giving you the finger. My junk is.

Ted: I put a cartoon box cutter on mine.

Daisy: I’m gonna customize my Flying Pasties to say, “That’s right, I’ve been breast-feeding.”

announcer: Security will know that you’re not carrying anything but attitude.

Mike T.: What I’ve been doing is tucking my junk back between my legs. It doesn’t protect my privacy, it just gives ‘em something to talk about back there.

announcer: Flying Pasties. Take back your freedom for just 19.95. Order now!

Billy: So do they make one of these that’s big enough to cover my gun?

announcer: Reclaim your right to privacy. Stop those eyes from prying, and keep your junk to yourself.

Leif: When you invent something where I can hide stuff up my ass and them not see it, then you give me a call, okay?

announcer: What’s a Short Belt? The Short Belt is like a traditional belt, only shorter. A sleek and original accessory everyone is talking about.

Rob: Stop! I want to talk about something else!

announcer: Simply pull through any two loops through your pants or shorts and you’ve added an easy and fashionable accessory to your overall look.

Loni: Are we getting so lazy in America that we can’t even wear a whole belt?

Daniel: I never wake up in time to thread my belt through all six loops.

announcer: It’s flexible and comfortable to wear all day, every day, without the undue strain on the lower back and tummy caused by traditional belts.

Mike B.: I’ve never felt any undue strain because of my belt.

Judy: I went to the back doctor the other day. He recommended the Short Belt, and I recommended him  to go to hell.

announcer: With Short Belt, you don’t have to trade comfort for fashion.

Danny: You can give up both, with the Short Belt.

announcer: It can be worn on the side, front or back of any size cut of pants or shorts.

Jaime: This stylish piece of elastic and tin goes with every crappy outfit you have. Plus, if you go to prison, they let you keep the Short Belt ‘cause it’s not long enough to hang yourself with.

announcer: Construction workers, carpenters, golfers, even waiters and waitresses love Short Belt for its comfortable design while working.

Billy: You know, waiters and waitresses, those style icons.

announcer: Its compact and practical design make it a must-have for men, women and children of any age. And it makes a great gift.

Brad: Short Belt’s the perfect gift for your boyfriend or girlfriend that you’re trying to break up with. This should do the trick.

announcer: If you’re wearing a belt, make it a Short Belt, the accessory no closet should be without.

Wes: Now when my friends ask me: ”Are you wearing a belt?” I can say... ”Kinda.”

announcer: Order your Short Belt today.

Chelsea: I’m gonna say this is not a product for me. I just use a regular belt or buy appropriately sized pants. So that’s me.

narrator: Coming up... more amazing, life-altering inventions.

announcer: BrightFeet, the high-tech house shoes that light up your night.

Ted: Now I no longer have to sleep in a miner’s helmet. Thanks, BrightFeet!

narrator: Plus...

Anthony: The Grill Glove resists temperatures up to 500 degrees, making it perfect for hot baked potatoes and more.

Chelsea: Sir? I’m gonna ask you very nicely to stop shouting at me about a baked potato.

narrator: Then later, deception as invention.

woman: Girls, if you really want to fool him, the Liar Card let’s you change your voice to sound like a man.

Mike T.: It’s gonna be so funny when somebody gets a phone call from a number they don’t recognise and the person on the other end sounds like a demon.

narrator: When”World’s Smartest Inventions” continues.

announcer: Ouch! Stubbed your toe in the middle of the night? Stumbling around in the dark is dangerous. Don’t turn on the light and wake up the whole family.

Mike T.: Thank God this came along!

announcer: Now there’s BrightFeet, the high-tech house shoes that light up your night.

Mike T.: For so long, I’ve been duct-taping flashlights to my feet.

announcer: Slip them on and safely and easily navigate your path to the bathroom.

Jimmy: This is for a rich man. A poor man put a bucket in a room and don’t have to go nowhere.

John: Turn the (bleep) light on, you lazy piece of (bleep).

announcer: With BrightFeet, there’s no more struggling to find a switch. You’re hands-free!

Chelsea: Man, I mean, what a cliffhanger when that hand was trying to find that light switch.

Mike T.: Oh, God! Light switches, so hard to master!

announcer: It’s like the personal nightlight that moves with you anywhere. It’s the latest craze sweeping the nation!

Daisy: It’s the latest craze sweeping the nation... of my house, which I’ve just declared a sovereign nation.

announcer: And BrightFeet makes the perfect gift for anyone or any occasion.

Wes: Happy Martin Luther King Day, Grandpa. We got you some slippers.

announcer: Everyone loves BrightFeet.

Judy: They don’t come in a women’s 12. This is the story of my life!

announcer: Don’t pay over $40 for a pair of old-fashioned slippers. Order your BrightFeet for the incredible price of only 19.95.

Ted: Now I no longer have to sleep in a miner’s helmet. Thanks, BrightFeet!

announcer: Pick up the phone and order your BrightFeet now!

announcer: You can keep warm when you feel the chill, but your pets can quiver, shake and shiver. Not anymore! Now there’s the Pet-ZZZ-Pad. The American Kennel Club and Cat Fanciers’ Association-branded pad is designed to cradle your pet in warming comfort.

Judy: You invented a heating pad. Wow.

Marianne: I kinda thought fur took care of an animal’s temperature.

announcer: Pet-ZZZ-Pad automatically activates with just a step, generating warming 102 degree comfort and heat.

John: It’s a great slow cooker. What you do is you just put your pet on it in the morning, and then at night when you come home, you’re gonna have a sizzling hot meal.

Mike B.: You gotta make sure that you cook it good on both sides.

announcer: The Pet-ZZZ-Pad is flexible to fit any space.It molds to your pet’s body, providing cradling, comfortable warmth.

Daniel: After a long day of humping his brains out on a Hot Doll, there’s nothing my pet enjoys more than a well-deserved rest on a Pet-ZZZ-Pad.

announcer: Plus, the cord is protected in a steel chew-resistant casing.

Wes: A chewing challenge for a dog is like telling a kid not to press the red button.

announcer: The Pet-ZZZ-Pad is perfect for small dogs, cute puppies and contented cats.

Brad: Or Grandma.

man: It provides a safe, warming comfort zone, whether you have a cat or a dog.

Billy: I tried it with my fish and the results were disastrous. I also tried it with my grizzly bear, the one who had such a problem with my Fridge Locker. He just tore the thing to shreds.

(commentator growling)

announcer: If your pet doesn’t love it, just return for a full refund. Order now.

Kevin: Uh, I don’t want the heating pad, but I do want to buy every single animal in that commercial. They are adorable.

announcer: Do you love to grill but get frustrated by clumsy tongs and rusty utensils?

Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for the Grill Glove, the heat-resistant cooking glove that puts the power of the grill in the palm of your hand.

Loni: I love Anthony Sullivan. Anything he’s selling, I’m buying.

Anthony: The Grill Glove is made of 100% food-grade silicone so you can grab your grub right off the grill.

Danny: This is not how I usually end up with a handful of silicone.

(rim shot)

Anthony: Hot potatoes are hard to handle, but the Grill Glove resists temperatures up to 500 degrees, making it perfect for hot baked potatoes and more.

Chelsea: Sir? I’m gonna ask you very nicely to stop shouting at me about a baked potato. Thank you.

Anthony: Built-in flame-deflection technology triples the surface area, protecting your hand longer.

Mike B.: This is rubber. What— What, are these ridges? Is that the technology?

Marianne: It confuses the fire! The fire doesn’t know where to go!

Anthony: And it’s waterproof. You can grab an egg right out of a boiling pot of water and it’s great for lobsters, too.

Kevin: You know, I wouldn’t really say that’s great for lobsters. Maybe it’s good for you, but I bet the lobsters aren’t too psyched about it.

Ted: I deliver babies with these things. God, I love midwifery.

Anthony: Call now and get the Grill Glove for just 14.99.

Loni: Wait a minute, Anthony. Can you double my offer?

Anthony: Or order right now, and I’ll double the offer. You’ll get a second Grill Glove, a $15 value, yours free.

Loni: I still— I need something else.

Anthony: You’ll also receive the Lava Mitt, a $15 value, yours free, too.

Loni: A Lava Mitt? I’m— I’m sold. Okay, thank you, Anthony.

announcer: Don’t delay. This limited-time offer is not available in stores.

Judy: I found a very good use for the Grill Glove. Huh? Huh?

announcer: It’s a whole new world out there, and we have to be prepared for anything, any time. Ladies, now you can be, with the Emergency Bra. A regular bra for day-to-day use... but in an emergency, a lifesaving device.

Brad: For when you’re dressing up for a night of terror.

announcer: Developed by a Ukrainian doctor after Chernobyl, this modified bra removes easily in the event of smoke or gas.

Daniel: It took 25 long years, but somebody finally found Chernobyl’s lacy silver lining.

Kevin: So you’re telling me, all I have to do to get a girl to take off her bra is to fake a nuclear disaster?

announcer: Simply detach cups, attach the custom-placed hook and strap, and a snug-fitting breathing filter provides filtered air.

Danny: Great, just what we needed. For chicks’ bras to get more complicated.

Todd: If she puts her bra over her face, I’ll just take my chances and bury my face in her chest.

announcer: And cup size doesn’t matter. Any size Emergency Bra can be adjusted to a workable fit.

Loni: My bra don’t fit like a mask, it fit like a hat. A big ol’ hat.

Brad: Loni could save a village.

announcer: While not a substitute for specialised emergency devices, the Emergency Bra provides cleaner air for critical seconds until help arrives. It could mean the difference between life and death.

Chelsea: I feel like even in the midst of a terrible disaster, I could carve out some time to laugh at a woman wearing this.

announcer: Don’t hesitate. Order your lifesaving Emergency Bra today.

Mike T.: Do they sell these pre-worn? I have a friend that likes the smell of boob sweat. Okay, it’s me.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: The Goatee Saver, designed to give you the perfect goatee every time you shave.

Daniel: It lets you say ” I’m a douche bag” without even moving your mouth!

narrator: Plus, a weapon against the battle of the bulge.

announcer: Tighten your waistline and trim down your love handles with SlimTs.

Mike T.: I was gonna stop having ice cream for lunch, but this is much easier!

narrator: And gizmos to help you indulge.

man: Trongs are great for eating messy so-called finger foods.

man: Like buffalo wings.

man: And barbecue ribs.

Mike B.: What kind of prissy little invention is this? How long does it take to wipe your hands off?

narrator: When “ World’s Smartest Inventions” continues.

announcer: Your goatee is much more than just facial hair. Your goatee helps fashion your identity. Introducing the Goatee Saver, the exclusive grooming tool designed to give you the perfect goatee every time you shave.

Daniel: It lets you say, ”I’m a douche bag” without even moving your mouth!

announcer: Men everywhere are discovering how fast and easy the Goatee Saver makes grooming.

Frank: Goatees are (bleep) out, okay? They’re not even in style anymore.

announcer: Simply set to fit your goatee style, secure with mouthpiece, then start shaving.

Rob: In case your goatee isn’t terrifying enough, just put on this creepy Hannibal Lecter face mask.

announcer: It’s shaving perfection made simple.

Jaime: See, I like this invention, ‘cause for at least a little while, it stops guys with goatees from talking.

announcer: Here’s what satisfied customers are saying.

man: It saves time without sacrificing my look.

Chelsea: Wait a minute. He doesn’t look like the guy in the ad.

man: Takes the guesswork out of goatee grooming. It’s a perfect shave every time.

Bryan: Thanks a lot, Goatee Saver. Now I can finally get that vagina-mouth look I’ve been looking for.

man: Faster shave.

woman: Fantastic look.

Kevin: Okay, for our lady model, we’re gonna need you to smile but make it look like you’ve never smiled before and you kind of don’t know how.

commentator: And, action! Ehh...

man: The latest in goatee grooming is here.The Goatee Saver. Take one home today.

Tonya: Well, hell, ladies. We can put this down here and we can shave around it, too! Woo! Dual purpose.

Jimmy: Yeah!

announcer: How would you like to get these same incredible results without dieting, without exercising, without pills, instantly? Now you have a secret weapon in the battle of the bulge. Tighten your waistline and trim down your love handles with SlimTs.

Mike T.: Problem solved! I was gonna stop having ice cream for lunch, but this is much easier.

announcer: Just wear SlimTs under your clothes for these same instant results.

Brad: You may wear the pants in your family, but now both of you can wear girdles.

Bryan: It may be hard to breathe, but hey, that’s a lot better than self-control.

Loni: I don’t want to see a man in no girdle. If I feel on you, I want to feel them love handles. Let it all hang out.

man: In two minutes, SlimTs solved a 20-year problem. You can really tell this was designed for a guy, I love it.

Kevin: You know, there’s another way to tame your beer belly. Uh, do a sit-up. Or two.

announcer: The secret is our 12 specially engineered structured panels. SlimTs will tighten your stomach in the front, trim your love handles on the sides, and our specially designed criss-crossed back panel dramatically improves your posture.

John: Look, it’s got a cross pattern to lift and separate.

Brad: Wow, this really— This works. This feels really good.

(tearing)

man: The job market out there is really tough and with SlimT, I looked good, I felt good, and that’s why I got the job.

man: Hey, you’re totally unqualified for the job, but you look so damn trim!

announcer: Call now and get SlimTs to try for yourself for the unbelievable price of only 19.95.

Rob: Why address a real problem? SlimT. Why stop eating garbage? SlimT!

announcer: You have nothing to lose but inches. Pick up the phone and order SlimTs right now.

Mike T.: See you later, belly! Seriously, I’ll see you later when I take off my SlimT.

Dan: Hi, I’m Dan.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

both: And these are Trongs.

Dan: That’s T-R-O-N-G-S.

Eric: The utensil that stands like a tripod.

Dan: So they’re easy to pick up.

Eric: And put back down.

Danny: Trongs,the only utensil that sounds like an evil alien race.

Judy: I thought it was, like, underpants for truckers.

Dan: Trongs are great for eating messy so-called finger foods—

Eric: Like buffalo wings.

Dan: And barbecue ribs.

Mike B.: What kind of prissy little invention is this? How long does it take to wipe your hands off?

Jimmy: This is what you use to eat chicken wings, right here, and you lick your fingers.

Eric: Trong’s teeth tear wings apart.

Dan: And they rip ribs right off the rack.

Daisy: Who is the intended audience for this? An obese, wing-eating germophobic Howard Hughes?

Eric: Trongs are awesome for eating sushi.

Dan: Trongs are like...

both: Chopsticks on steroids.

Kevin: I wonder if they and Danny have the same dealer.

Dan: But now, when you use Trongs, you can pick up your beverage between bites.

Eric: Free up your fingers for texting.

Chelsea: That makes no sense. You’d have to take the Trong off. Whatever. I’m not gonna get into it with you guys.

Dan: I used to use a fork.

Eric: Get the fork out of here.

Brad: Fork you,you forkin’ fork face.

Ted: It’s great for grooming your buddies, too.

Billy: Oh... Yeah, that feels great. Yeah. Okay, right there.

Eric: Order your made-in-the-USA six-pair pack of Trongs—

Dan: For just 20–

Eric: 9.95.

Dan: 9.95?

Eric: 9.95.

Dan: That’s 12 individual dishwasher-safe Trongs.

both: For just 9.95.

Daniel: That seems like a fair price, though I could just grow my fingernails really long for free.

announcer: You poke, cut, squint and swear, but you still can’t thread that needle.

Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for the One Second Needle, the needle with the built-in threader.

Wes: Is there anything that Anthony Sullivan won’t endorse?

Billy: I don’t even need to know what it is. He can just go ahead and send it to me.

Anthony: Instead of taking the thread to the needle, you take the needle to the thread. Just loop and thread, it’s that easy. Use it for sewing buttons, hemming pants, mending tears and more.

Todd: You know, this is 2011. Do people really sew?

Anthony: This is a giant One Second Needle. All you do is loop and thread, it’s that easy.

Mike B.: Did you really need to get the giant needle to show us how effective it is? What about zooming in?That would have worked.

Ted: Hey, I’d like to use that giant needle to fix the holes in my circus tent.

woman: I’ve been sewing all my life, but lately,my vision has changed and I haven’t been able to thread a needle. Then, I discovered the One Second Needle and I can sew again.

Kevin: I think that white-haired lady just needs to see an eye doctor.

Billy: I didn’t realise that old people sewed, too.I thought it was just something that the kids were doing.

Anthony: Call now and you’ll get four One Second Needles, two large and two small, for just $10. And order now and find out about free shipping.

Judy: Okay, how much do you honestly, would that shipping cost, if it wasn’t free? 44 cents?

Anthony: As a bonus, we’ll double the value to eight One Second Needles and include this essential sewing-and-mending kit.

Mike T.: You were telegraphing your punches, Anthony Sullivan. I knew you were gonna double it.

Anthony: That means you get eight One Second Needles and a 130-piece sewing-and-mending kit, a $40 value, all for only $10.

Chris: You know what else is a $40 value? Buying a sweater.

Anthony: Whether you’re a novice sewer or an expert tailor, anyone can thread easily with the One Second Needle. And remember, call right now and find out about free shipping.

Marianne: This is great. I did have the Two Second Needle, and I must say, the One Second Needle’s a lot quicker.

Mike T.: One Second Needle, that was actually my nickname for a while, I don’t like to talk about it.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Pure Illumination. Light up your lips with the touch of a button.

Kevin: Is this for women who don’t know where their lips are by memory?

narrator: And...

announcer: Snazzy Napper is here, the snazzy way to sleep while you travel.

Chris: Get ready to take antisocial to a whole ‘nother level.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Introducing Get-A-Grip. It’s like a complete gym for your hands.

Loni: A gym for your hands? I don’t go to the gym for my body.

narrator: When “World’s Smartest Inventions” continues.

announcer: Shed some light on your lips with new Pure Illumination, a breakthrough in lip care and convenience. Light up your lips with the touch of a button. There’s even a mirror on the tube.

Kevin: Is this for women who don’t know where their lips are by memory?

Marianne: Where— Where— Ahh. There they are. Ahh...

announcer: Nothing shines like Pure Illumination’s built-in LED applicator.

Chelsea: I’m so glad that they’re finding ways to put LED in more stuff. I have it in my hairbrush in case I’m brushing my hair in the middle of the night.

Judy: If you’re sitting in the dark, you don’t need lip gloss, ‘cause no one can see your (bleep) lips, okay?

announcer: Pure Illumination combines the healing power of medical-grade lanolin, jojoba and vitamin E.

Daisy: When you’re at a bar and you’re too drunk to stagger off the bar stool into the bathroom, treat yourself to some vitamin E and jojoba.

announcer: Enjoy natural hydrating lip therapy and brilliant shine, even in the darkest of places.

Judy: Really not attractive. I mean, you can see all boogers, any kind of blemishes, double chin. I mean, really.

announcer: Order Pure Illumination now for only 19.95 and light up your lips with the touch of a button.

Mike T.: Here’s my idea. Sometimes I open my wallet in the dark. What if a light came on in the wallet? Hey! Where’s my idea money? Someone give me a bag of money for that idea, right now!

announcer: Where do you Snazzy Nap? In the car? On a plane? Snazzy Napper is here, the snazzy way to sleep while you travel.

Chris: Get ready to take antisocial to a whole ’nother level.

announcer: The Snazzy Napper is a comfortable and cool, soft and lightweight sleep and privacy shield.

Marianne: Mmm, designed by the Taliban.

Daniel: How narrow-minded of me to assume that the women of the Middle East were oppressed? Turns out they’re just sleepy. Ay-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!

announcer: The cushioned eye guard provides maximum comfort and light exclusion.

Mike T.: Ooh, that’s a fancy way to say “dark.”

Wes: You know what else blocks out distracting sunlight? Eyelids.

announcer: An oval nose opening on the Snazzy Napper provides for easy breathing.

Ted: In case somebody wants to stick something in your mouth while you’re sleeping.

Daniel: Oh!

announcer: While others toss and turn trying to get comfortable, you can rest and relax with the Snazzy Napper.

Michael: You can’t put a blanket over your head in the car with the sun on you. Are you crazy?

announcer: Snazzy Napper is so convenient and easy to use. It’s like privacy in a bag.

Chelsea: You know what else is privacy in a bag? Just a bag. Very private.

announcer: Order your Snazzy Napper now.

Brad: You could use this, or you could just sleep at night, like a mammal.

man: Get strong hands. Get Get-A-Grip.

man: Get Get-A-Grip.

woman: Gotta Get-A-Grip.

woman: Introducing Get-A-Grip. This workout tool incorporates ten incredible exercises to give you the upper hand in everything you do. It’s like a complete gym for your hands.

Loni: A gym for your hands? I don’t go to the gym for my body.

announcer: Finally, there is a comprehensive workout endorsed by the chief of the Arnold Palmer Sports Health Center.

Danny: Arnold Palmer. Isn’t that the same guy that invented the cocktail with no alcohol in it? I have no use for that (bleep) guy.

woman: Designed by fitness experts to strengthen and tone the muscles in your hands, wrists, forearms, biceps and your triceps in easy, fluid motions.

Marianne: Hey, check out that guy with the tight, tight palms. Mmm.

Brad: Fresh pepper? Fresh pepper?

Kevin: Am I getting buffer?

woman: But ladies, check this out. In only a few minutes a day, you can say goodbye to those flabby, saggy underarms and hello to shapely, toned tank-top arms.

Jaime: That is not a before and after.

Billy: This woman, with the arm flab, she doesn’t need a Get-A-Grip, she needs emergency surgery of some kind.

announcer: As part of our special introductory offer, you’ll also receive this convenient carry-and-travel bag.

Mike T.: Like, do you need a carrying— It’s a— It’s— I’m carrying it right now, without a case. It’s very easy.

announcer: Get your hands and arms to look and feel younger. Pick up the phone and call now.

Daniel: You want to strengthen your wrists and really have fun? You don’t need this.

Bryan: Thanks, Get-A-Grip! You’re the best! Thank you so much!

announcer: Tired of stained shirts while eating on the run? Isn’t there a better way to grab a bite on the go?Introducing the Drib! Full-body protection in a fast-paced world.

Jaime: “The Drib”? Well, I guess “pig in a blanket”was already taken.

announcer: Stay neat while you eat in your car seat.

John: Are you (bleep)kidding me? Whatever happened to 10:00 and 2:00?

Daniel: Finally, I can enjoy eating delicious rotisserie chicken the way it was meant to be, behind the wheel of a speeding automobile. (horns honking) Thanks, Drib!

announcer: The Drib comes in assorted colors and sizes and is weighted to stay on without slipping.

Kevin: Or you can just wear a Hazmat suit everywhere and pig out whenever you want.

Daisy: This is great, because this is gonna replace all those crazy bibs I normally keep in the car.

announcer: And its pockets are perfect for holding snacks and leftovers.

Chuck: It has pockets to catch falling food and your shreds of dignity.

announcer: Save thousands in dry-cleaning bills and clothing costs.

Todd: Just a gift for the pig on the go.

announcer: So say goodbye to stains. Get your Drib today for just 19.95.

Loni: Why do all the inventions cost 19.95?

Chelsea: There’s also a great product called a rest area, where you can pull over and eat your snack and then continue to drive. I love that product.

Richard: Keep on thatchin’ for a full scratchin’!

narrator: You’ve just seen 19 super-smart inventions, each one sure to change your life for the better, but the smartest of all...

Anthony: Grab your grub right off the grill.

narrator: ... the one you simply cannot live without is on its way.

Eric: Get the fork out of here!

narrator: See it and rejoice right after this.

man: Everyone is talking about the beneficial features of the Liar Card. It’s an easy-to-use calling card that lets you control how your caller ID is displayed.

Chuck: “Everyone’s talking about the Liar Card.” That’s a lie right there.

woman: Let’s say you want to hide your identity when making a call. With your Liar Card, you can change your caller ID to appear as any other number and name you like.

woman: When my boyfriend doesn’t pick up his phone because he sees that it’s me, no problem. I just use the Liar Card and pretend I’m one of his best buddies.

man: Hey!

woman: Then he picks up.

Danny: Chicks are psychotic enough. Please don’t encourage them with the Liar Card.

Daisy: But it’s not just for stalkers.

man: I got this friend, he owes me five “G”s, right? And he’s ducking my calls, I’m getting so mad. So I tried the Liar Card, called him with his mother’s number. Badda bing, badda boom, he paid me.

Frank: Hey, how you doin’? Hey, hey, honey, I’m at the (bleep) pizza parlour, you know what I’m sayin’? Oh!

woman: Girls, if you really want to fool him, the Liar Card lets you change your voice to sound like a man.

Mike T.: It’s gonna be so funny when someone gets a phone call from a number they don’t recognise and the person on the other end sounds like a demon.

man: And guys, now you can disguise your voice to sound like a woman!

Todd: Can you imagine Judy’s voice disguised as a woman? Hilarious!

Tonya: Hello?

”Judy”: Hi, Tonya. Yeah, it’s Judy.

Tonya: Oh, hey.

“Judy”: I wanted to know if you want to have a drink this Saturday night.

Tonya: What?

”Judy”: Yeah. I have kind of an ice-skating fetish.

man: The Liar Card even tells you if someone is lying.

man: Honestly, baby, I’m at work.

man: Your phone will immediately alert you with a secret signal that the other party is lying.

Kevin: So wait, your Liar Card detects lies from other people and then helps you lie about your caller ID to someone else? Morally, this is very ambiguous.

man: Well, of course I’m at the office, honey.

woman: I got him.

Chelsea: You know what else alerts you to the fact that your boyfriend or husband’s a liar? (balls clacking) The sound of pool balls being struck by a pool cue, so there’s all kinds of little tiny hints in the world itself.

woman: Call today and try up to an hour of lie detection, changing your caller ID, voice disguise and recording with the Liar Card all for free.

Danny: Hey, it’s like any good therapist would tell you.All relationships are built on a foundation of trust and cheap spy gadgets.

man: Honestly, baby, I’m at work.

man: Look all right?

woman: Yes.

man: Fantastic.

Judy: Hi, how you doing? (laughing)

Billy: Woo!

Frank: I don’t get it. How does this (bleep) thing work?

man: Roar!

Frank: Where do you shave? Here?

woman: It’s so bright.

Tonya: Rrrr.

Danny: How do you get all this (bleep)?

Chuck: Whoa.

Michael: Surprise, surprise.

Mike T.: Aw, yeah! Look at that! That’s hot right there.

Daniel: Whoa!

Brad: Who’s a sexy ducky?

Leif: Life’s a party, make it a jammer party.

woman: Oh, my God!

Jimmy: Whoa!

Rachel: I had your bare ass on my jacket.

man: Welcome to the show, Rachel.