Worlds Smartest Inventions 1 transcript

narrator: Don't touch that dial.

Tonight truTV presents,

"World's Smartest Inventions."

chorus: ♪ Clap on ♪♪ Clap off ♪♪

narrator: Life-improving devices whether you're in a car...

man: It looks like you're just getting "motorboated"by a Muppet.

narrator: ... on the golf course...

commentator: Yeah !

man: Just in here playing with my putter !

narrator: ... or in the comfort of your own bedroom.

man: I'm sleeping. I'm dealing out death.

narrator: Have a seat.

man: Whoo, help, help !

narrator: Make yourself comfortable.

woman: Comfort Wipe, the sanitary paper extension arm and holder.

narrator: And feel free to use the facilities.

woman: It looks like an ordinary golf club, but contains a reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself.

narrator: All with heartfelt endorsements from our celebrity cast.

Leif: This thing is awesome.

woman: Can I get some oxygen ?

man: I'm gonna keep this on for the whole show. Is that all right ?

narrator: And a very special offer from legendary pitchman Anthony Sullivan.

Anthony: Order your very own Tonya Harding today.

narrator: Warning, may cause bellyaches, laughter and spit takes. Prolonged exposure is not advised. It's truTV presents "World's Smartest Inventions." Order now.

Closed Captions Provided by truTV

commentator: Eureka !

announcer: You've tried doing the crunches. You've tried doing the sit-ups. But no matter what you do,you just can't seem to stick to a workout routine.

Chelsea: I'm gonna go ahead and call overacting on the tough crunch.

( commentator groaning )

announcer: So what are you going to do to get a sexier, slimmer-looking you ? Introducing the Hawaii Chair from Perfect USA.

man: Hey, the Hawaii Chair ! Invented on "Gilligan's Island" by the Professor.

announcer: The Hawaii Chair combines the ancient art of the hula with patented health-science technology that takes the workout of your workout.

Roger: Okay, what in the ( bleep ) is this ? All right ?

Chuck: Whoo ! Help, help !

announcer: You too can hula your way to a slimmer and sexier-looking waistline right at home without ever driving to the gym, picking up a weight or doing a single crunch or sit-up.

Anthony: It's kind of a bizarre product. Sit on your ass and eat potato chips and lose weight.

woman: I can exercise and eat at the same time !

woman: I not only noticed the great stimulation of my body, but it was actually relaxing my back.

Tonya: If you want to do this, it's more fun riding your man. Hello ! What ? It's true !

Judy: ( moaning ) Low.

announcer: Easy-to-use waistline-slimming exercise machine that takes the work out of your workout.

Kevin: Y'know, I'm really not gonna be sold on it until I see a Broadway number.

man: ♪ Take the work ♪♪ Out of your workout ♪♪ The Hawaii Chair ♪

Kevin: Oh, there it is ! Okay, okay, I'm dialing. Let's do this.

man: ♪ Take the work ♪♪ Out of your workout ♪ Natasha: Ahh !

man: ♪ The Hawaii Chair ♪

Tonya: Whoo !

man: ♪ If you can sit ♪♪ You can get fit ♪♪ The Hawaii Chair ♪♪

Roger: I love it ! Hawaii Chair !

announcer: Oh, no ! You missed that putt again ! You probably don't have enough time to practice.You can have more time to practice your putting with the Potty Putter, the amazing new toilet-time golf game that lets you practice your putting on the potty.

Billy: I am glad to see an invention that takes the drudgery out of sitting on the toilet and defecating.

( toilet flushing )

John: Whatever happened to just reading magazines ?

announcer: Just aim and shoot the ball into the cup.

A.J.: We're a society now that there's-- everybody's multitasking, right ? So why not multitask in the bathroom ?

Kevin: I don't think we need to be multitasking there. Let's focus on the task at hand and get out of there.

announcer: Just choke up on your putter and sink the ball, over and over again.

Roger: Yeah, honey ! Just in here playing with my putter !

Daniel: I don't think I can hold a putter when I already have a driver in my hand. Oh !

announcer: Just think, all that extra practice every time you visit the john.

Danny: I've only heard of going number one or going number two. What are people on the outside gonna think I'm doing when I yell, "fore" ?

announcer: Your Potty Putter comes with its own putting green,made of the same professional carpet found at miniature golf courses.

Natasha: Now every time you go golfing, you're gonna wanna ( bleep ) your pants.

Nick: What's your handicap ? Oh, diarrhea.

announcer: Don't limit your life to a tiny toilet. Let your imagination soar with the Potty Putter, the instant solution that lets you practice your putting every day. Order now.

Todd: Oh, ( bleep ) ! A little help ! Somebody ? A little help !

John: ( bleep ) It stinks in there.

Todd: Hey, thanks, bro. Appreciate it.

John: You ever heard of a courtesy flush ?

Todd: Oh, yeah. Thank you.

announcer: Crime has become a serious problem in this country. Finally, there's a way to protect yourself and your loved ones from unwanted intruders: The Back Up. This patented protection device eliminates the crucial wasted time of searching for a handgun or other forms of protection stored away in your nightstand or closet.

woman: Who needs a shotgun by their bed ? What, you think a bear's gonna come into your house ?

announcer: The patented Back Up makes your shotgun accessible from the lying position in your bed.

Michael: Someone's in the house. Don't worry. Back Up. That's like less than a second. Asleep. Justice. I'm sleeping. I'm dealing out death.

Ted: Before this, it took twice as long to shoot a member of your family you mistook for an intruder.

announcer: We as Americans have the right to keep and bear arms, but our arms need to be readily accessible in time of need.

Billy: Finally, you'll have your gun where you need it when monsters attack you in a bad dream.

commentator: Oh, my God !

Mike: What happens when Freddy Krueger comes to get you and your gun's over in the other room ? You get stabbed with knife hands, that's what.

announcer: If you're serious about home protection, call now and order The Back Up.

Daisy: This is such a travesty that Tonya Harding is not the spokesperson.

Tonya: Who the ( bleep ) is it ?

Leif: Whoa, Tonya, it's me ! It's me, Leif !

Tonya: I dare you, come through that ( bleep ) door right now. Come on.

announcer: Take the shotgun out of the corner or from under the bed and make it accessible. Back Up is the solution.

Chelsea: ( imitating gunshots ) I would love to kill my ex-boyfriend. Side thought.

narrator: Coming up...

man: Aspray goes where other deodorants can't. You can even Aspray your privates !

Judy: If you need this on your privates, it's time to maybe go see a doctor.

narrator: And...

woman: My shoulder strap used to pull so tight, I could hardly breathe. Now, with the Tiddy Bear, I really enjoy traveling again.

Chuck: Best thing about the Tiddy Bear ? The name.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Now, there's the Wearable Towel, the towel with arm openings.

Billy: I can't figure it out. I-- Does it come with an instructional video ?

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

commentator: Eureka !

man: Are you suffering from pungent pits ? Foul feet ? Beastly butt odor ? How do you stop the stink ? Hi, I'm Adam Jay, and this is Doc Bottoms Aspray, the all-new, all-over deodorant that can be used anywhere, and I mean anywhere on your body.

Brad: Interestingly enough, Doc Bottom was my nickname in college.

Adam: Aspray goes where other deodorants can't. Aspray your butt, Aspray your feet, Aspray under your arms. You can even Aspray your privates !

Todd: Spray it on your ass, on your balls, on your face, on your feet !

Judy: If you need this on your privates, it's time to maybe go see a doctor.

Adam: Are you suffering from beastly butt odor ? How do you stop the stink ?

Daisy: I think the problem lies with the fact he shouldn't have stuck his nose in that guy's butt.

Billy: That is going to stay with me. Not in a good way.

Adam: Our revolutionary formula safely protects you against embarrassing body odors by neutralizing odor-causing bacteria.

Mike: Commercial, just because you have a 3-D model of a human being doesn't mean this is any way scientific or medical.

Lanny: I work hard for a living, I sweat a lot, I got-- I got odors in special places, and with Aspray, I don't have to worry about that anymore. My butt. Brad: What kind of line of work are you in, sir, that only your butt smells at the end of the day ?

Lanny: My butt.

Adam: Call and order Doc Bottoms Aspray today for only 14.99 and I'll send you the Aspray Pocket Shot absolutely free !

Tonya: Who the hell thinks of ( bleep ) like this ? If you don't smell good,take a freakin' shower.

announcer: Does the shoulder strap of your car cut into your shoulder ? Is your shoulder strap too tight and annoying ? Introducing the Tiddy Bear ! The cute little guy that eliminates all those problems.

Judy: The Tiddy Bear.

Bryan: Tiddy Bear ?

John: Tiddy Bear.

Chelsea: Tiddy Bear !

Chuck: The best thing about the Tiddy Bear ? The name.

Michael: Tiddy Bear. It sounds like you're saying "titty."

announcer: The Tiddy Bear snaps on to your shoulder strap and moves up and down to remove the pressure wherever you need it.

Chuck: I love that you can adjust it to any position. You know where you're going, Tiddy Bear.

commentator: Whoo !

Loni: You know, I usually charge for this. I just don't let anybody lay here.

woman: My shoulder strap used to pull so tight, I could hardly breathe.

Natasha: Ow ! Oh, God ! ( groaning ) Oh, I can hardly drive !

woman: Now with the Tiddy Bear, I really enjoy traveling again.

Natasha: Ahh. Ooh, yeah, ahh...

Brad: It looks like you're just getting "motorboated" by a Muppet.

announcer: The cuddly Tiddy Bear is filled with soft, cushy beads so it snuggles comfortably to your needs. Place it here, or here, or anywhere you need to keep those irritating straps from digging in.

Tonya: I mean, this is the luckiest ( bleep ) bear in the whole entire world.

Brad: Every man on this show wants to be that bear.

Judy: This Tiddy Bear is amazing.

Todd: This is a great way to spend your day.

woman: If you're in and out of your car all day like I am, you're really gonna enjoy the comfort of the Tiddy Bear.

announcer: Call and order your Tiddy Bear right now.

Chelsea: Oh, to hell with the seat belt, Tiddy Bear ! Get in there ! ( laughing ) Titties !

announcer: You want to stay covered after being wet, but your towel just won't let. Robes are heavy and hot, and towels with fasteners ? I think not. Now, there's the Wearable Towel, the towel with arm openings.

Matt: What an invention ! They should call it a robe !

announcer: The Wearable Towel keeps you totally covered and gives you the freedom to use your hands.

Judy: Okay, what takes more time ? Throwing on a shirt or putting on the wearable ( bleep ) toga towel ?

Billy: I can't figure it out. I-- Does it come with an instructional video ?

Mike: I don't get how this works. I'm sorry. Is it like this ? And you wrap it around and...

announcer: The Wearable Towel is unisex and can be worn in a tunic style...and in a toga style.

Chelsea: 'Cause who doesn't want to feel like a Roman emperor when they go to get their newspaper ?

Michael: Friends, Romans, countrymen, I'm out of the shower. Freshly shorn and shaved. My ass crack clean.

announcer: Ideal to wear before a swim. And perfect to wear with family and friends.

Mike: This is perfect to wear when you're inviting some hot people into your open marriage, 'cause I feel like that's what's about to break out in that whole scene.

Danny: Judy ! Your penis still shows.

announcer: The Wearable Towel is not sold in stores, so hurry while supplies last.

Chelsea: You're gonna see the Wearable Towel in Milan, in New York, in Paris. Anywhere where fashion is... the Wearable Towel is also.

Todd: Would you want me ? Would you want me ?

Adam: Tired of paying eight bucks a beer at the ballpark ?

commentator: Yeah !

Adam: Want to crack a cold one without the hassle of complicated cans ?

commentator: Yeah !

Adam: I'm Adam Jay and this is the Beerbelly ! The first-ever portable beer dispenser you can wear under your clothes discreetly.

Tonya: I don't like paying for a beer when I go to a game, so, yeah !

Brad: I am wearing one right now.

Adam: Just load the Beerbelly with your favorite brew and take your beer with you wherever you go.

Mike: I've snuck beer inside games like that, but it's usually actually in my stomach at that point.It's called "pregaming." A little more dignity involved.

Adam: You'll laugh at suckers paying high prices as you root for the home team with your new Beerbelly !

Chelsea: I really want to go ahead and ask, how much does beer cost ? And is it really worth the trouble ?

Adam: And, ladies, there's no need to be jealous, because you can be sipping the finest vintages with your very own Winerack, the wearable wine decanter just for women.

woman: Chardonnay.

Kevin: If you drink so much that you need to consistently include alcohol in your wardrobe, you should probably see a therapist.

Adam: Perfect for the beauty parlor, the mall, girls' night out, anytime you want to savor fine wine discreetly.

Scott: I mean, this is weird. You suddenly go from being Calista Flockhart to Dolly Parton.

Daisy: Not to brag, but I've been told I have an extra-fine vintage.

Adam: Call and order your Beerbelly today for the low price of just 34.95, and if you order right now, I'll send you the Winerack absolutely free. Just pay 29.95 shipping and handling.

Tonya: Me, personally ? I like the hat, where you got the beer cans on each side and it has the straws that come down. I like beer. And I'm gonna drink it, too

.narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Comfort Wipe, the sanitary paper extension arm and holder.

Loni: Call it a crap stick. Or ( bleep ) stick.

narrator: And a classic.

chorus: ♪ Clap on ♪♪ Clap off ♪♪

Michael: So simple, it's stupid. It's off. It's on. Boom !

narrator: And later...

announcer: If you've ever thought your litter box could use its very own room, now you can put it in its very own house. The LitterHouse.

man: It's really disturbing to me that a cat is ( bleep ) in a house that's nicer than my apartment.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

commentator: Eureka !

announcer: For over 100 years, we've been scrunching and folding toilet paper. Finally, there's a better way. Comfort Wipe, the sanitary paper extension arm and holder. It extends your reach a full 18 inches while it follows the contours of your body and comfortably cleans. Just pop on the toilet tissue and when through, just press the release button and the tissue drops right into the toilet.

Loni: Call it a crap stick. Or ( bleep ) stick.

Kevin: I've never been in a bathroom and thought,"You know what I need here ? I need some more props."

Michael: I've just taken a huge bowel movement. I don't know how I'm going to wipe.

A.J.: It's something that was designed for senior citizens and for people that have difficulty moving or bending. It's a real product and it really sells.

Chuck: Just reach, clean... and eject. I feel so much better.

man: Being a big guy certainly has its advantages. And its disadvantages. This is a great product.

Judy: Do I need to imagine him having his fat ass there ? So he can't get the freakin' toilet paper up there ? Do I need that ?

Brad: I hear this is gonna be one of Oprah's favorite things this year. You know, since she put the weight back on.

woman: Think about it. Toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting. The Comfort Wipe is a modern solution.

announcer: That's right ! Never touch another dirty toilet tissue.

Mike: If you have a designated ( bleep )-wiping stick, that's gonna have some germs on it, too, my friend.

Nick: Half the fun is getting ( bleep ) on your hand, don't you think ?

( laughing )

announcer: Comfort Wipe, the first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s.

Judy: You know, because before they invented toilet paper, I just used my hand. Or a leaf. Or Leif Garrett.

announcer: That's right ! Never touch another dirty toilet tissue.

( toilet flushing )

woman: Honey, turn off the light.

announcer: Has this ever happened to you ? Presenting The Clapper.

Loni: This is a legendary invention !

Scott: It is in the "As Seen on TV" hall of fame.

Michael: So simple, it's stupid. It's off. It's on. Boom !

announcer: The Clapper lets your appliances turn on and off just by clapping. Clap on the music.

( music playing )

Brad: When did light switches become so much work ?

Chelsea: Oh, my God, turning a light switch ? Ow ! Ow !

Chuck: Before The Clapper, I had to get my lazy ass up out of the bed, walk maybe six or eight feet to a wall and turn off a light. Now... That's right. Pitch-black in this bitch.

chorus: ♪ Clap on ♪♪ Clap off ♪

Judy: What a catchy tune.

Tonya: ♪ Clap on ♪

Leif: ♪ Clap off ♪

Wes: ♪ The Clapper ♪

Judy: Really catchy tune.

announcer: Turn to the "away" function and your lights will go on, turning away unwanted guests.

Billy: Look closely at the prowler. It's a little scene, but watch what he does with it.

announcer: And your lights will go on, turning away unwanted guests.

Billy: That's acting.

chorus: ♪ Clap on clap off ♪♪ The Clapper ♪

Loni: Show the old lady again, when she's sleeping in the bed and she--

chorus: ♪ Clap on clap off ♪♪ The Clapper ♪

Tom: Good night, everyone. Thanks for watching.

Brad: But wait, there's more !

chorus: ♪ Clap on ♪

( baby crying )

woman: Shh.

announcer: When you don't want to clap, get The Clapper Plus, now with a portable remote control.

Billy: If you gained 100 pounds after putting in The Clapper, you'll be able to gain an additional 50 just by starting to use The Clapper Plus.

announcer: Have the switch always handy, turn on the light, or choose your perfect location to mount the remote.

Judy: You know what The Clapper Plus reminded me of ? A light switch. Have you ever seen those ?

Kevin: Does anyone's house not come with light switches standard ? It's not an add-on.

chorus: ♪ Clap on ♪

announcer: Or switch on.

Brad: There's some stuff we got right. Not a lot, but the light switch we got right.

announcer: When you don't want to clap, get The Clapper Plus.

Matt: If your marketing for The Clapper Plus is perfect, no one will ever buy The Clapper again.

announcer: The Clapper Plus.

announcer: If you've ever thought your litter box could use its very own room, now you can put it in its very own house. The LitterHouse. The LitterHouse is a beautiful, fully enclosed litter box that adds warmth and charm to virtually any room in your home.

Natasha: Hey, would you like to draw even more attention to the least-sanitary thing in your house ?

announcer: A half-inch-deep walkway collects litter from kitty's paws.

Tom: It's really disturbing to me that a cat is ( bleep )in a house that's nicer than my apartment.

announcer: And an odor-blocking charcoal filter fits conveniently in the chimney.

Bryan: Oh, look, a dollhouse full of poo. And who says you can't dress up poo ?

Judy: Hey, what are those little brown things in your little play toy house ?

Daisy: Hi, how you doing ? Pretty good, how you doing ? Meow, meow, meow, meow.

( cat meowing )

Kevin: I would like to see the cat that walks up to the litter box and is like,"Do you have something in like a split-level ranch, maybe ?

"announcer: Your LitterHouse order even includes three window-sticker options. Modern, hearts and fun.

Leif: Yeah, I don't know. I'd go with the modern.

Chelsea: Let me peek in that window. Cat ( bleep ) everywhere !

Judy: You know, the views are great. It's spacious, it's roomy. And you can ( bleep ) wherever you want.

Brad: Oh, great, anywhere. Oh, okay.

Judy: Can't beat that.

Brad: Here we go. Oh, yeah, that's nice.

announcer: The LitterHouse, a beautiful, fully enclosed litter box you'll be proud to own.

Billy: I'm gonna get one... and I don't even have a cat.

announcer: Hummingbirds. You've spent hundreds on expensive feeders trying to lure them to your garden.

Chuck: Actually, no, I haven't.

announcer: Yet you can't get close enough to see them.

Loni: Who the hell want to sit and look at a hummingbird ?announcer: If only there were a way to bring hummingbirds directly into your field of vision. Well, now there is ! With the Eye to Eye Wearable Hummingbird Feeder. Simply slide the floral inlay into the face shield and attach the easy-to-fill feeding tube. Then just sit back and relax.

commentator: Oh, my gosh. I can't believe how close he is !

Chelsea: Have you ever wanted a hummingbird to get right up in your face ? Me neither.

commentator: This is awesome.

Mike: Now hummingbirds will associate feeding with the human face.That could only lead to good things.

( Chuck screaming )

commentator: This is amazing. Oh, yes.

man: Well, I gotta tell you, that was, by far, one of the coolest experiences I've ever had, especially the coolest with any bird.

Billy: Of all the experiences you have had with a bird, this one is the coolest.

man: Oh, yeah. Anyone that is looking for a more up-close experience with wildlife in general should check these things out.

Loni: You have no life. You need some ( bleep ).

announcer: The Eye to Eye Wearable Hummingbird Feeder Mask. Order now before they go flying off the shelf.

Nick: Wow, look at the bird !

Tonya: What I would like is if these people can do something for deer or elk. I can sit there and watch the elk come in and look right at me, and then I can just shoot 'em. That would be perfect. Then I'd have my meat for the year.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: The Cruzin Cooler. It's a cooler you can drive.

Matt: It's never been easier to drink and drive. Thanks, Cruzin Cooler !

announcer: And, a new, improved way to get relief on the golf course.

announcer: Introducing the UroClub, the discreet sanitary solution for your urgent relief.

Brad: Once you use it, you're carrying around a warm vial of your own urine.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Introducing The Boyfriend Pillow, the smart woman's solution to the nightmare of an empty bed.

Kevin: What's more comforting than snuggling up with a disembodied arm ?

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

commentator: Eureka !

announcer: Don't kill yourself hauling that heavy ice chest. Why drag it when you can drive it ? The Cruzin Cooler. The only powered cooler in the world. It's a cooler you can drive.

Loni: Thank you, Lord ! Shout out to this invention.

announcer: The Cruzin Cooler is lightweight, comes with an optional seat and backrest, and is available in gas and electric models, with speeds up to 13 miles per hour.

Chuck: Ha-ha-ha ! What's up, you cooler-carrying suckers ?!

Mike: Who's the man of the party ? I'll give you a hint. Me ! ( laughing ) Yeah !

announcer: Take your Cruzin Cooler tailgating and be the rock star at your next party.

Tonya: This is bitchin'.

announcer: It features a large enough storage capacity to hold 24 cans and an eight-pound bag of ice.

Leif: That ain't enough beer. That isn't even close to enough beer.

announcer: Need a drink on the go ? It has a drink-access lid and drink holder.

Matt: It's never been easier to drink and drive ! Thanks, Cruzin Cooler !

Michael: I want y'all to have a good day. I gotta get to the DMV.

announcer: It's great for concerts and festivals, exploring parks and trails.

Ted: I take mine up to Dead Man's Curve and use it for organ transplants.

Judy: Hey, guys, I got some beer ! And Jim's kidney !

announcer: Go camping.

Chelsea: Now, does this come in four-wheel drive ? 'Cause I like to party in crazy locations.

announcer: The Cruzin Cooler.

commentator: Is that Leif Garrett ?

( engine revving )

announcer: Oh, no ! Getting ready to go to bed alone again ? Well, you don't have to. Introducing The Boyfriend Pillow, the smart woman's solution to the nightmare of an empty bed.

Loni: You need somebody to sleep with ? Go on Craigslist. Plenty of people that'll sleep with you.

announcer: Whether you're between boyfriends or your man's out of town, relax !You're going to bed with your Boyfriend Pillow.

commentator: Ahh.

Kevin: What's more comforting than snuggling up with a disembodied arm ?

announcer: The Boyfriend Pillow's just like a real man, without a head.

Brad: It's a little creepy.

Judy: Mom, Dad...I'd like you to meet Steven, my new Boyfriend Pillow. Yes, we've slept together, Dad !

announcer: Women without men toss and turn, but your Boyfriend Pillow holds you safely and securely all night long.

Billy: Hey, stop that. Hey !

Mike: They should package this product together with the little house the cat poops in, 'cause I have a feeling a woman that buys that might not have a man in her life.

announcer: He cradles you in his strong, protective manliness. Hold his hand. Snuggle up to his chest.

Tom: I bought one of these pillows and I actually caught it sleeping with my best friend, Rob.

Michael: What are you doing, pillow ?

Natasha: ( sniffing ) Oh, I knew you were cheating on me.

announcer: Talk about McDreamy ! Order your Boyfriend Pillow today.

Loni: Oh, look at her. She got a black one ! You know what she like. The brothers !

announcer: But be warned, ladies.You may never sleep with a living man again.

Judy: I think I'm switching over to The Boyfriend Pillow.

man: I drink a lot of water. I really have to go. People are waiting to tee off. There's no restroom out here.

announcer: Has this happened to you ? I've got the perfect gift. Introducing the UroClub. The discreet, sanitary solution for your urgent relief.

Billy: So many of our inventions involve pee-pee and poo-poo,don't they ?

announcer: It looks like an ordinary golf club,but contains a reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself.

Brad: The one fatal flaw with the UroClub is once you use it, you're carrying around a warm vial of your own urine.

Mike: I hope you have a cart. You're not handing that to a caddie after you're finished. Like, here you go. Do something with that.

announcer: The UroClub comes with a towel and appears that you are just checking out your club.

Kevin: Yeah, with your ( bleep ).

Chuck: Oh, hey, guys, just give me a second.

Brad: Yep, hold on. Yep, yep, almost ready to go.

Nick: Ooh, ow ! Got my club caught !

Chuck: I gotta get another putter. This one's full.I mean... not working.

announcer: Leak-proof, easy to clean and no embarrassing moments.

Chelsea: No, wearing a piss apron is definitely not embarrassing.

Mike: There might be a solution out there to having to pee when you play golf, but I'm pretty sure it's not peeing in something and then taking it with you.

announcer: The UroClub. The only club in your bag guaranteed to keep you out of the woods.

Todd: But can you use the club after you piss in it ?

Bryan: UroClub. Line the ball up. Ah, crap. No ! Pee.

announcer: Are you tired of drinking alone ?

bottle: Good drinking !

announcer: Well, never feel that way again ! With our new talking vodka bottle: "Russian Innovation."

bottle: Good, good, good, good.

announcer: You'll always feel like you have a buddy to drink with !

Kevin: Congratulations, Russia, on finding a way to make drinking alone even more depressing.

announcer: Listen to these satisfied customers.

woman: It goes very fast. First toast, second, third, you drink and I can't think anymore.

bottle: Keep drinking.

Loni: Those Russians are getting ( bleep ) up.

woman: I think it's a fun idea. It's not just for drinking with company. You can also drink alone. You won't be bored. It's like a friend.

bottle: More, more, more !

Chelsea: Welcome to alcoholism.

bottle: Keep drinking. More, more, more !

( all laughing )

Billy: Do Russians really need that much help to drink vodka ?

Michael: Hey, the answers to your problems are in the bottle of this one. Come on !

bottle: Keep drinking.

Michael: Get to the bottom as fast as you can.

Mike: I don't need my bottle of vodka to taunt me into drinking it. I'm gonna drink it. That's why I bought you, vodka.

announcer: Best of all, this friend will never say, "I've had enough."

bottle: More, more, more !

announcer: Order today ! For your health !

Judy: What kind of drunk, deranged, drug-addicted person would order something like this ?

Leif: Yeah, hello ? Yeah, I want two. I need two immediately. Excellent, excellent. Thank you.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Introducing the Nubrella. While others face harsh weather conditions, Nubrella protects you.

Judy: While others are facing harsh weather conditions, you look like an ( bleep ).

narrator: And...

announcer: Want to get your dog a great holiday gift ? Then get him the Doggy Steps !

Daisy: Who has the problem that their dog is not on their furniture enough ?

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Kush Support is anatomically contoured to gently support and cushion the weight of your breasts.

Loni: Sure glad I got my Kush Support. Keep this one away from this one.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

commentator: Eureka !

( thundering )

announcer: Now it's time to say good-bye to unreliable, weak umbrellas that don't do their job. Introducing the Nubrella, the next generation in rain gear.

Loni: Ooh, I like this. It'll protect my weave.

Chelsea: For the woman on the go. Nubrella.

announcer: Nubrella's patent-pending shoulder supports and offset handle lets you walk and talk in comfort and still be protected from the elements.

Mike: Oh, it's super portable. I can just stuff this in a giant suitcase and I'll be good to go.

announcer: While others face harsh weather conditions, Nubrella protects you, keeping your head and shoulders warm and dry.

Judy: While others are facing harsh weather conditions, you look like an ( bleep ).

announcer: The Nubrella is designed for durability and protection against all weather conditions.

Scott: Imagine that classic scene from "Singin' in the Rain," only with one of these.

announcer: With its hands-free option, Nubrella offers you the freedom and versatility you need while you're on the go.

Chelsea: It's so hot in here !

Judy: Can I get some oxygen ?

Leif: This thing is awesome.

announcer: Don't be left behind. Give yourself the freedom you deserve. Join the next generation.

Billy: I'm gonna keep this on for the whole show. Is that all right ?

announcer: Don't you wish you could spend more time with your pet ? With work, family and other commitments, it's just not possible. But now there is a way ! Introducing the Perfect Pet Petter !

man:  You're such a good boy ! I love you, come here !

announcer: The all-day playmate for your furry friend.

man:  Come on, boy ! Yeah, I love you. You're such a good dog !

Leif: How many dogs are fooled by a robotic machine that goes, "Nice doggy, good doggy. I love you, doggy" ?

Tonya: My dog looked at that thing and said, "Mom, you've got to be ( bleep ) kidding me."

announcer: Simply charge the Pet Petter's battery, set the timer, and voila !Your loyal companion will have all the affection he needs while you're away.

Natasha: You know, nothing's gonna make your pet happier than an iron robot hand screaming, "I love you !"

Billy: My dog would begin barking when this thing started and he would never stop.

man:  You're such a good boy. I miss you, I love you.

Brad: It would not only scare my dog, it scares me.

Daisy: Good boy. Who wants a biscuit ? I'm going to kill you.

man:  You're such a good boy. I miss you, I love you.

announcer: Man's best friend has just found his new best friend with the Perfect Pet Petter. Order yours for just 99.99.

Chelsea: The Perfect Pet Petter. It's good alliteration for a great product.

announcer: Call now. Operators are standing by.

man:  You're such a good boy. I miss you, I love you.

Loni: I'm so happy that Thing has found a job.

( dog barking )

announcer: Do you have breast implants ? Are you like millions of women who suffer from neck and upper-back pain when you awake. Kush support is your solution. Anatomically contoured to gently support and cushion the weight of your breasts. Kush Support has a slip-resistant surface, which helps keep it in place, even as you roll from side to side.

Chuck: Kush ! All right !

Mike: I like it. I'm in favor of it.

Ted: Some Eastern religions believe that if you purify your soul, you can come back as a Kush. I certainly hope so.

announcer:the slip-resistant surface helps keep Kush in place even as you roll from side to side.

Leif: I understand it because I sleep with a pillow between my legs on my side,and I always have to adjust the boys.

( laughing )

announcer: Dr. Peter L. Tucker recommends the support and alignment features of Kush Support for his patients following breast enhancement and reconstruction surgery.

Loni: Sure glad I got my Kush Support. Keep this one away from this one. 'Cause this one don't like this one.

Natasha: Wait, so how's this work ? I don't get it. It's like...

announcer: Order your Kush for only 24.99. If properly maintained, Kush will give you years of support.

Danny: The Kush Support. This is actually brilliant.

Roger: Oh, this will no doubt become women's number-one bedside gadget.

John: How many batteries does that thing take ? That's what I want to know.

announcer: Want to get your dog a great holiday gift ? Then get him the Doggy Steps, the little stairs that lets him go up and down with ease. Doggy steps are perfect for dogs who have trouble getting up to their favorite spot, just the right height to step up to couches and beds.

Daisy: Who has the problem that their dog is not on their furniture enough ?

Todd: The dog shouldn't be on your damn couch or your bed anyway. ( bleep ) needs to be on the ground.

Elizabeth: The bed is quite high, so we're all up here and Sammy's left on the floor. And with the Doggy Steps, it's great. He just climbs right up.

Bryan: Or you can just pick your dog up. Huh ?

Nick: There's a reason beds are up high and stuff. The guy that invented a bed-- so animals couldn't get up on 'em.

announcer: Doggy Steps are great for small breeds, older dogs, dogs with arthritis or back problems, even overweight dogs.

Mike: It's not just the people in America that are fat and lazy. Our dogs are fat and lazy, too.

Kevin: Is their next invention gonna be making a bendy straw for the toilet ? Like, dogs are getting it done. Don't sweat it.

announcer: Doggy Steps gives your pet freedom from the floor and more companionship than ever before.

John: Come on, get the ( bleep ) up the steps, will you ? Stupid ( bleep ) bitch. Get up the steps. Hey, I'm talking to you !

announcer: Call now and you'll get the original Doggy Steps for only 19.99.

Chelsea: Is there a product that helps you get your dog out of your bed ? 'Cause that's the one I'm interested in.

Natasha: You know another name for Doggy Steps ? Steps.

narrator: We've sold you on 19 of the world's most brilliant inventions.

commentator: Yeah !

narrator: But your life won't be complete without the most amazing, revolutionary device of all time. Find out what it is right after this... when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

commentator: Eureka !

woman: GoGirl is a simple, sanitary, mess-free way to pee standing up.

woman: Just adjust your clothing, gently hold GoGirl against you to form a seal, and, well...

woman: Pee.

woman: Pee.

woman: Pee.

Loni: GoGirl !

Judy: You GoGirl !

Mike: This is what we're dealing with. Try and wrap your heads around this, guys.

Chuck: It's a vag-funnel. Let's call it what it is.

woman: Okay. So you're new to this whole idea of standing up and going to the bathroom.

woman: You're not alone. Most women in America have never heard of the idea.

woman: But women in Europe get it.

Billy: There's the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Eiffel Tower, and in the middle of it all, women standing to pee.

Brad: Every time a woman sees a historical landmark, they piss themselves ? What is this about ?

woman: For campers, there's no more squatting and messing up your jeans or shoes.

Judy: Kids, we're going hiking. Don't forget the GoGirl.

woman: For travelers, there's no more worry about what kind of bathroom you'll find or if you'll find one at all. Practice a time or two and it feels like second nature.

Loni: For number one, it's called GoGirl, but for number two, it's called "Hold it, Girl." Hold it, girl, 'til we get to the house. Okay !

woman: Maybe GoGirl's not for you.

woman: But for thousands of women, GoGirl is the ticket to anywhere.

woman: GoGirl. Get it and stop taking life sitting down.

Judy: What ?

( phone ringing )

Chuck: This is Chuck at the call center. How may I help you ? Oh. That's right, ma'am. Now that you're using GoGirl, you do need to get accustomed to lifting the seat. Yes, every time. I know, it's a drag, isn't it ? Ha-ha-ha !( screaming )

man: ♪ Take the work ♪♪ Out of your workout ♪♪ The Hawaii Chair ♪♪

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