Worlds Smartest Inventions 8 transcript

narrator: Attention shoppers!

announcer: Now you can turn water into a squishy goo!

narrator: You are about to be sold 20 of the hottest inventions you'll ever see.

announcer: Your personal getaway awaits you.

narrator: From clothes in a can to look ma, no hands !

man: Hey Mom, I can't talk right now.

narrator: Products guaranteed to blow your mind.

announcer: Boom ! It's a speaker !

narrator: Why will you want to get this before your friends do ? Watch and find out. With expert reviews from our celebrity cast. Plus, our own Frank Stallone and Kevin McCaffrey go shot for shot.

Frank: This is fun. I should get ( bleep ) up every show, I like this.

narrator: truTV presents... ( cat screeching ) ... World's Smartest Inventions.

commentator: Awesome !

narrator: Don't delay, it all starts now !

Closed Captions provided by truTV

woman: Great beauty comes to those who strive for greatness, but surgery is not for all. Introducing Face Slimmer. Made out of original new plastic, Face Slimmer, will banish saggy face skin.

man: Do you have sagging facial skin ? Get ready to look even more horrifying.

woman: To use, place device inside lady mouth for three minutes every day.

Brad: This should not be on American TV.

Bryan: This is fantastic. Looks like I can probably retire my blow-up doll.

woman: For best face results, make movement in shape of American vowels.

woman: A !

woman: E !

woman: I !

woman: O !

woman: U !

Danny: Is it bad if this turns me on ?

woman: The movements are given extra load by the mold, forcing all 12 facial expression muscles to work hard without break.

man: I think that's ergonomically designed to take lots of loads.

woman: The benefits are clear to see. Won't you watch ? Fight back against Father Time's treachery and evil with Face Slimmer. Number one age battle appliance. Make Face Slimmer now.

Judy: I can't believe how great I look !

Mike: Would you guys happen to have an extra one of these I could take home with me ?

announcer: Squishy Baff ! Now you can turn water into a squishy goo !

Kevin: You can turn water into a squishy goo? Do we have to?

announcer: Turn your bathtub into a gooey adventure with Squishy Baff !

Chuck: Squishy Baff ! First of all, thank you for making me feel culturally comfortable.

announcer: Just sprinkle some Squishy Baff, and in seconds your bathtub becomes a squishy blue underwater world !

Marianne: And afterwards, they literally glow !

Brad: Wow, this is great ! I actually have blue balls.

( rim shot )

announcer: Or add Squishy Baff to your pool and travel to a red planet !

John: I love the adult version. Vodka and Jell-O. I fill my bathtub with it all the time. Fun for everybody.

announcer: Add some Squishy Baff to your tub and turn it into a prehistoric green swamp !

man: And if kids vomit into Squishy Baff, no one will even notice !

announcer: ... that magically turns Squishy Baff back to water ! It easily drains away.

Michael: And then what happens if you lose the dissolving agent ? Oh ( bleep ). I'm gonna need a squishy shovel and some squishy bags.

announcer: Have fun in four squishy colors !

Mike: They never show black as a fun color. I'm just gonna point that out.

announcer: You get the complete Squishy Baff kit with two packages of goo maker and two dissolving pouches for 19.99 !

Daniel: It's been 500 million years since our evolutionary ancestors crawled out of the primordial ooze. Nothing's gonna get me to crawl back in, dammit.

announcer: And with your paid order...

announcer: We'll double your Squishy Baff kit !

announcer: ... for four gooey adventures.

Gary: It is stupid to goo yourself away from finding your own pleasure points. Need I say more ? Need I say more ?

woman: I created this thing called the Power Hour Shot Glass USB. Here's the thing. I fashioned it out of magic and awesomeness.

Michael: What's it made out of ? Magic and awesomeness. I like this girl.

woman: Here's the thing in its awesome box. What is this thing ? O-M-G, I'm so glad you asked. Number one, it is a shot glass. Awesome liquid holding power.

Mike T.: The background's a little plain. Can we get an outlet in the corner ? Yeah, perfect. We're making television.

woman: Number two, it is a USB. Oh crap, where did that come from ?

Brad: Anyone who buys this really has no need for this.

man: Well, boss, I have the presentation right here. It's on a USB in my shot glass that I wear in a lanyard around my neck.

woman: Number three, it's album of party music. There are 60 songs about drinking loaded on the USB. They're all one minute long.

Jaime: I hope one of the songs explains how drunk she was when she waxed her eyebrows.

chorus: 1-2-3 ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Yeah this is 60 songs ♪ ♪ And they're all one ♪minute long ♪♪

woman: That leads us to number four. It's a drinking game ! It's based on Power Hour, where you take a shot of beer every minute for an hour.

Chris: That's not a game. That's a problem.

Karl: It's like a terrible iPod that also ( bleep ) up your liver.

woman: To recap, shot glass, USB, lanyard, album, drinking game. Awesome !

woman: ♪ It sounds like ♪ ♪ a good idea ♪ ♪ but it's not ♪♪

Kevin: This is finally an invention I can get behind. I'm gonna need someone else to do this with me, though. Frank ?

Frank: Me versus McCaffrey ? An Italian against an Irishman ? Please, give me a break. Salud.

woman: If you want more details and awesome, watch the extended video.

Marianne: Woo ! Man, this makes my drinking problem fun !

Frank: Oh ! It's been a minute again.

Kevin: I'm gonna pick up the pace on this. I don't want Frank running away.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Turn your plain old boring faucet into an exciting water fountain.

narrator: Plus, our cast gets a fashion makeover.

Mike T.: I'm not ( bleep ) thrilled about this either.

narrator: And later, former "Sopranos" star Vincent Pastore is back, repping a brand-new product. Find out what it is when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

woman: Over the past three years, my husband and I adopted cats. They're a wonderful addition to our lives.

Chuck: Is this a hostage video ?

woman: Unfortunately, my son is allergic to them. We read about ways to cut down on pet allergens. Bathing a cat helps cut down on the dander and allergens in its coat.

Chris: Our son's asthmatic, but we have 15 cats. Still haven't figure out the connection.

woman: To facilitate this process, we invented the Pet Wet Suit. It's a self-contained neoprene bathing device that has an open end in the front for your pet's head to protrude and stay dry. There's an opening in the back that allows you to insert your hand so you can bathe your pet.

( cat screeching )

Todd: When I saw the name, I was hoping to see some awesome footage of cats scuba diving.

woman: In the process of bathing a cat, it is recommended that two people help. One to hold the cat and guard against biting and clawing while the second bathes the cat.

Chelsea: I would give any amount of money you could name to just hear her cat's monologue.

Mike T.: I feel wet, but I can't see my body. Do I even have a body ? I'm totally freaking out right now.

( cat screeching )

woman: The Pet Wet Suit will come in different sizes and in different designs. One design will have a clear vinyl top.

( cat screeching )

Michael: My next one will have a clear vinyl top where you can see your pet. Wanting to kill you.

woman: And remember, the Pet Wet Suit is the better petter wetter.

John: As opposed to the better wetter Peter, which, as we all know, is a high-end sex toy.

Gary: I baptized a kitty one time and got scratched clear to my neck and my eyes. It's not funny.

announcer: Indoor plumbing was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet we're still bending over the faucet to rinse after brushing.

Todd: Yeah. What have you done for me lately, indoor plumbing ?

announcer: Well, if you're tired of bending, slurping and sipping from the faucet every day, now there's a better way, because now there's Kwik Sip.

Kevin: Wait, did you say quick sip ? Don't mind if I do.

Frank: God bless.

announcer: With the simple press of a button, it magically turns your regular faucet into a convenient water fountain so you can grab a quick drink without slurping from the sink.

Jared: What do you mean ? Nobody slurps from the sink. What kind of weird orphanage do you live in ?

John: I remember when bending over the sink was a good thing.

announcer: Now you can take your pills without dirtying a single glass and rinse after brushing without wetting your hands.

Brad: Do they make a toilet attachment for those of us who want to feel more European ?

announcer: And if you can change a light bulb, you can easily attach Kwik Sip in seconds.

Marianne: What about me ? I'm Polish.

announcer: Simply twist off the tip of your regular faucet and twist on Kwik sip. That's all there is to it. And presto. You've got your own little fountain. Press again and you're back to your regular faucet.

Roger: Oh yeah, I love it. Let the whole neighborhood drink out of your faucet. So convenient, so sanitary.

Judy: Well, I thought it was on faucet and it was on Kwik Sip and now my shirt is ( bleep ) ruined !

announcer: Why settle for a plain faucet when Kwik Sip does it all and stop throwing money away on wasted paper cups.

Chris: Do you have a dentist's office in your house ? Who has that many paper cups ?

announcer: Call now to get Kwik Sip for just 19.99. Your satisfaction is guaranteed.

Rachel: Easy, elegant. It's like your sink is pissing in your face.

announcer: But wait, order two or more and we'll slash that price to just $10 each plus processing and handling.

Brendon: Has anybody even taken a moment to think about what the Kwik Sip would do to the paper cup industry ?

man: I'm sorry, folks. After 70 years, we're closing down the paper cup factory.

Daniel: But... why ?

man: Because of a new invention called the Kwik Sip. Turns your sink into a fountain.

Daniel: I guess Kwik Sip doesn't care about my family.

man: No, I suppose they don't.

Daniel: Kwik Sip !

man: Hello, my name is Manel Torres and I like to share something amazing with you that I have created. Introducing Fabrican. The ultimate fusion of fashion and science. In just a few minutes, you can create a washable, reusable garment, with a fit just for you.

Kevin: Finally, someone combined my two great loves. Fashion and graffiti.

Todd: Have fun with all your suitcases, losers ! All my clothes come out of a can.

man: It's good. When the material hits your skin, the solvent dries instantly, leaving behind seamless fashion.

Daniel: This invention is perfect for the man-on-the-go that always forgets his shirt but never forgets his airbrush.

man: Spray-on clothing has been featured on many runways around the globe.

Tonya: Now, I gotta say, this is actually kinda cool. It's kinda like painting a car, you know ? Gotta do it so many times before you get it right.

Judy: You know, this is a great invention, because you know what ? It takes me about two hours to put on a t-shirt anyway.

Mike T.: Enough of these models. I'd like to see 'em spray this on a real person.

man: Okay, who is ready ? Take your shirt off.

Brad: Oh, that is refreshing. Right on the nipple.

Mike T.: Woo. That is-- That is brisk.

Brad: I feel like maybe someone should have brought me dinner.

( rim shot )

man: Fabrican is the future. We are working now in the lab to make it available to you.

man: Are you tired of the trouble of putting on a shirt ? Now all you need is a laboratory, this high-powered pressure gun, safety goggles, liquid fabric, and of course, these nine color cartridges.

man: You know, I get invited here in New York to spray two gorgeous models, and here what I'm having. I'm having these two guys.

Mike T.: Yeah, well, I'm not ( bleep ) thrilled about this either, but we're both just making due--

Brad: What did you say ? Hold on a second. Did you just call me fat ?

announcer: Too many of us recognize the sickening sound that occurs when a bird accidentally collides with a window.

Ted: No, don't know that sound at all.

announcer: In fact, in the US alone, tens of millions of birds die each year by colliding with glass.

John: Kitty, dinner time.

announcer: Now you can be a part of the solution by installing CollidEscape on your windows. CollidEscape makes windows visible to birds without obstructing your view of the great outdoors.

Brendon: I can't tell you how many Thanksgivings have been ruined with birds flying into the windows of my house and ruining our turkey dinner.

Judy: God, I don't know what to do. Should I buy CollidEscape or put my shade down ? Decisions.

announcer: CollidEscape installs in just minutes. It lasts for years and will come off as easily as it goes on.

Jared: Great for the homeowner who's too gentle to handle a bird dying but is very competent at home repair.

announcer: Do your part to reduce accidental bird deaths.

Frank: Too bad ( bleep ), Tweetie. ( bleep ) all over my car, see what happens.

Kevin: All right.

announcer: Order CollidEscape now.

Marianne: Hello, Mr. Birdman, we're not gonna need you anymore, we're getting CollidEscape, it's new !

Daniel: What is it, a sticker ?

Marianne: No, it's this film and it--

Daniel: You know what ? I don't care. Let me just get enough blue jays so my wife can make a casserole and I'll be on my way. Dang inventions.

narrator: Coming up... Don't take picnics sitting down.

announcer: No tables ? No chairs ? No problem.

narrator: And...

announcer: Introducing the brand-new... Puppy Pocket Jacket Organizer.

man: Basically, it's a jacket organizer with various pockets that hold things you would use at a doggie park on a daily basis.

narrator: Plus, we check back in on the competition.

Kevin: Is my minute up yet ? I don't really care. Just hit me.

narrator: Find out who wins when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: Want to take the dog out, but you know about all the things you have to gather up just to do so ?

Roger: Dude, are we taking our dog out to pee or are we preparing it for the apocalypse ?

announcer: All that's about to change. Introducing the brand-new... Puppy Pocket Jacket Organizer.

Brad: This is for the pure bred gangster.

Gary W.: Hi, I'm Gary Wise, creator of the Puppy Pocket Jacket Organizer. Basically, it's a jacket organizer with various pockets that hold things you would use at a doggie park on a daily basis.

Chuck: I like this enterprising young brother, which is why I will not tell him that he just invented the fishing vest.

Gary W.: Such as, doggie bowl. Poo poo bags. Fetchy balls. Doggie treats.

Brendon: Which pocket do you store your weed in, Gary ? The weed you smoked when you invented this crazy thing.

Gary W.: Water canteen. Your dogs get thirsty ?

Jared: Why are we taking the dog dish ? Are we not coming back ? Are you gonna put me to sleep ?

Frank: The only reason you're taking your dog to the dog park is to pick up chicks.

woman: ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot ♪♪

Jaime: Wow. Nice jacket.

John: Yeah. What do you think, huh ? Got your poop bags, got your balls. Puppy treats, and of course, convenient condoms pocket.

Gary W.: Also featuring to the Puppy Pocket Jacket Organizer... sleeveless sleeves.

Mike B.: Dude, you need to take off that Puppy Pocket Jacket and get a strait one, 'cause you're crazy.

Gary W.: And there you have it, folks. The Puppy Pocket Jacket Organizer.

Marianne: Sup, man ? Puppy Power ?

Gary W.: Who don't love your dogs ?

Joe: Hi, I'm Joe Gray with the GoJo Hands Free. The only device on earth that's truly hands-free. These things are not hands-free. You stick 'em in your ears. Gross. But you still have to hold your phone.

Chuck: I used to duct tape my phone to my head, but no longer. Thanks, GoJo.

Brad: You know, I actually got arrested once for giving someone a GoJo in a parking lot.

( rim shot )

Joe: Only the GoJo has both hands free. No batteries, no wires. It makes your phone the hands-free device.

Frank: See, now my hands are free to pour in my next shot.

woman: ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Let's go ! ♪♪

Joe: The GoJo goes on in one second. ( phone ringing ) Hello ? One Mississippi. Hey Mom, I can't talk right now.

Judy: What do you mean you can't talk to me ? Well, what the hell are you doing in Mississippi ?

Joe: And it works with all phones. Stick the high-density suction cup to the back of any phone.

man: Are you tired of technology going forward ? It's time to take a step back with the power of suction.

Jaime: This thing's got more suction power than Tonya. I don't mean that as a dirty joke, I mean 'cause she sucks.

Tonya: It's the truth.

Joe: Flip phones, cordless phones, even land lines. And yes, the GoJo will hold the weight of your phone, even the weight of a five-pound laptop.

Brad: Forget a laptop, it'll also hold a baby. ( baby crying ) Shh, shh !

Jared: Will it work with public phones, like at the bus station ? 'Cause that's where I make a lot of my calls.

Joe: So don't delay, get your GoJo today.

Mike T.: Look how easy that was. Oh, my God. I am living the good life.

Chris: One Mississippi--

Tim: Hi, I'm Tim Goewey.

Taylor: And I'm Taylor Baldwin and these are Hot Booties.

Daniel: Taylor Baldwin has a Hot booty. She's a relative. But not that close, if you know what I mean.

Taylor: Hot Booties are the greatest solution to cold and achy feet ever discovered.

Tim: Slippers ?

Taylor: Oh no, Tim. Much, much more.

Jared: Why would we be doing a commercial for normal slippers ? Use your ( bleep ) head, Tim.

announcer: Hot Booties are a revolution in pure comfort and foot therapy. Simply place Hot Booties inside the Booty Bag and microwave them for only 60 seconds. And you can enjoy up to one hour of therapeutic, soothing, moist heat.

Chuck: Oh, thank God for these. I am so tired of sticking my feet in a regular convection oven.

Kevin: And if you want to kill two birds with one stone, toss a Lean Cuisine in there, too. Have a party.

Taylor: Each Hot Booty is filled with natural linseed, which absorbs and holds the heat. Just pop it in the microwave for up to 60 seconds for pure delight.

man: They rock.

woman: They feel like heaven.

woman: I need a pair right now.

Jared: It's like my corns are all having orgasms.

Tim: So whether you've got cold feet, sore feet, achy feet, flat feet, big feet or even little feet--

Brad: Do they come in any colors other than super gay ?

Taylor: So treat your feet with long-lasting soothing heat with Hot Booties.

announcer: Get your Hot Booties today !

narrator: Eating is an every day necessity. So anything that makes it more fun...

announcer: The Happy HotDog Man !

boy: It's like a toy you can eat !

narrator: ... easier to prepare...

announcer: Introducing Batter Blaster ! Just shake, point, blast and cook !

narrator: ... or less messy...

announcer: Trongs are like chopsticks on steroids.

man: And the best part is, your fingers stay clean.

narrator: ... is bound to be a winning invention.

kids: Hooray !

narrator: Just like the one at number ten.

announcer: A plate of great food and an ice-cold drink. What more could you ask for ? How about a third hand so you can enjoy it ? Introducing the Go Plate. No matter the season, the ingenious Go Plate is a must-have at every festive get-together, indoors and out.

Brad: This is the best invention we've created for picnicking since sitting down.

announcer: The unique design of the Go Plate works with virtually any standard bottle, can or cup, to give you a free hand, to flip a burger, high-five a friend, fling a Frisbee, or what the heck, enjoy your food.

Mike B.: What are we high-fiving for right now ? I'm ( bleep ) eating.

Danny: Too much multitasking going on here. Focus on your drinking.

announcer: Why rent expensive furniture to entertain ? Go with the Go Plate. No tables ? No chairs ? No problem.

Mike T.: Thanks so much for inviting me to your "no one gets to sit" party.

Michael: Plate, plate. Eating, drinking, plate, drink. That's just fantastic.

announcer: Go Plates are sturdy, easy to clean, stackable and green.

Loni: What they need to do is make a double plate, 'cause I like two plates in my hand.

Mike T.: What I would have done is call these beer sombreros, 'cause I like when my beer wears an outfit. That's just me.

announcer: Perfect for every tailgate, picnic, party or reception. Order yours today.

Brendon: Has anybody even taken a moment to think about what Go Plate will do to the table industry ?

Chuck: Sorry, people. We're gonna have to shutdown the factory.

Daniel: You're kidding me. People don't buy tables anymore ?

Chuck: No. They just put their stuff on Go Plates.

Daniel: Go Plates !

narrator: Coming up... Smoke this for a slimmer you.

woman: Use Vapor Trim whenever you crave sweets or junk food.

narrator: And...

announcer: Your personal getaway awaits you. The Fir-Real Sauna.

narrator: Then later, the invention that makes walking into a room a snap.

announcer: Now there's Magic Mesh, the new type of screen door that opens easily and then magically closes itself behind you.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

Daniel: Now you can experience dumb like never before.

Brad: With the "World's Dumbest" app.

Judy: It's the best videos whenever you want 'em.

Bryan: It's free on your phone or tablet.

Chuck: Use the app while you watch the show. Take dumb to a whole new level.

Daisy: Go to the app store and download it now.

John C.: Hi, I'm John Cremeans with another special video deal of the day. For those of you that travel, you're tired of using the pillows that they give you on the airlines, or maybe it's on a bus or a train, and you need a place to sleep and maybe you don't have a pillow to rest your head, now you do with the Slumber Mitt.

Chuck: Oh, Slumber Mitt. You know, for so long I've been looking for a more comfortable way to sleep on my hand.

Ted: It's so much more than a small pillow. It's a revolutionary new sleep system.

John C.: Made in the USA, it's made of an incredible suede material on the exterior, but then a soft faux fur on your head area where you're gonna lay.

Michael: I remember we used to do cool ( bleep ) like go to the moon, and now we're like, "We made a block of foam and put a cover on it." USA, USA !

John C.: The Slumber Mitt is easy to use. Even has a back pocket for your hand, so now you can customize the way that you sleep.

Jared: If your hand falls asleep, remove it from the Slumber Mitt and just hit it against your desk as hard as you can.

Brendon: Slumber Mitt's not only good for sleeping, you can also use it to hit your kid in the face without leaving a mark.

commentator: Ouch !

John C.: You can adjust your head on a couch or a chair. Maybe it's in your car as you're driving.

John: ( bleep ) Huh ? ( bleep ) you, ( bleeps ) you ! ( bleep ) you !

John C.: It is the best type of sleep that you're gonna get whether you're a power sleeper or power napper or maybe you're perhaps traveling as well.

Brad: Maybe I could sleep if Judy would shut the hell up !

Judy: Oh my God !

John C.: To get the Slumber Mitt, all you do right now is hit the "buy now" button or go to the product page and look for more information on the Slumber Mitt. It's our special video deal of the day.

Kevin: Being a good sport, I think I should just give this to Frank so he can pass out on it halfway through the power hour. Shot... Thank you !

woman: ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪♪

Frank: Take that, you Celtic warrior. Ah !

announcer: Ah, a nice relaxing sauna. But who has the time ? And those spa memberships cost a bundle. What if you could bring the spa into your home for a fraction of the price ?

woman: Hmm ?

announcer: Introducing the Fir-Real Sauna ! The first lightweight, portable sauna designed exclusively for home use.

Jared: Other saunas are totally fake, but this sauna is Fir-Real.

announcer: With its compact size, the Fir-Real sauna fits conveniently anywhere in your home.

Karl: It will fit easily into that weird empty room you have in your house for some reason.

announcer: And assembling is a cinch. First expand our patented reflective fabric casing. Then simply tie the top and bottom ties together. Next, unzip to place the mat and chair in the center position.

Michael: The zippers, tie the flap, the flap, plug it in, set it up, oh, it's so easy. It's been four days, I'm almost ready.

announcer: Now gently guide the cords through the pre-made holes. Attach the controller to the outside flap and you're ready for relaxation.

Chuck: This is kind of like E-Z Bake Oven for people.

Chelsea: I was hoping someone might be able to create a sauna in which I could not relax. And they did it.

announcer: And privacy is built right in, because this is the first sauna you wear !

Chuck: Mom's done. And she smells delicious !

Brad: All right, people. Who's doing this thing with me ? Room for two.

Todd: Uh-oh. Where is this hand going ? Don't worry about it.

announcer: The Fir-Real sauna's patented hot wind system provides deep penetrating therapeutic heat through the use of infrared rays.

Brendon: I just patented my own hot wind. ( farting )

announcer: Melt away the pounds, relax away the minutes. Your personal getaway awaits you. The Fir-Real Sauna. Order yours now.

Brad: Oh, God ! Oh, how long was I out ? This was relaxing. Oh. Hold on a second. Oh, that's nice. How do I look ? Huh, yeah ! Feel-- I feel lighter. Yeah !

commentator: Because he was so...

announcer: Are you irritated by office chitter-chatter ?

commentator: ... and he was going-- I don't get it.

announcer: Long schoolhouse lectures are inspiring for no one.

commentator: 19 over ten...

announcer: These problems are now no more. Introducing Speech Jammer, world's first ever device for taking words out of mouth. Simply aim laser guide, point at target and pull trigger.

commentator: Uh--

Brendon: There's no way this thing works, you just shine a laser in somebody's mouth and they can't talk anymore ? I mean, that's just--

announcer: Speech Jammer picks up sound of target with directional mic and returns sound to target with directional speaker.

Ted: And with that microwave-sized confusion applicator, no one will know it's you.

Gary: Oh no. Not again. Japanese researchers. Those guys have a great way of wearing their underwear backwards and inside out and thinking they're moving faster towards the north.

announcer: This effect, known as delayed auditory feedback-- Delayed auditory feedback will disturb target with no physical discomfort.

Judy: No, officer. You have the right to remain silent.

announcer: The desire of premature school exit--

Michael: Don't shoot ! I'm done ! You can go ! Everyone gets an "A" !

announcer: The Speech Jammer ! Your weapon for ultimate control of sound around you.

Leif: I've got your speech jammer right here. Shut the ( bleep ) up !

Daniel: If this was around when I was a younger man, I probably wouldn't have as many ex-wives.

announcer: Speech Jammer.

Mike T.: Hey, you're not having a good time watching this show ? How about this ? Shut up !

narrator: Inventions for quick and easy weight loss have been around forever.

commentator: Just do the gyroscope five minutes a day for a week and you'll lose five pounds !

narrator: And they're only getting better.

announcer: The Hawaii Chair combines the ancient art of the hula with patented health science technology.

narrator: In fact, these days, losing weight can be as simple as...

announcer: The perfect fit button. The quickest, easiest way to add or reduce inches on the waistband of your pants.

woman: Yes !

narrator: But our next weight loss invention really takes the cake.

woman: Vapor Trim is the newest scientific breakthrough in vapor technology. It works with your senses of smell and taste so that you feel full and you eat less. To use, push the product from the bottom to the top of the package. Remove the rubber cap from the mouthpiece and pull the activation tab. Put Vapor Trim to your lips, inhale and experience the smell and taste of your chosen flavor. You'll only exhale water vapor.

Todd: It's like dessert just farted in my mouth !

woman: Use Vapor Trim whenever you crave sweets or junk food, between meals, in the car, at work or at home.

Brad: Sure, you could breathe in dessert or you could just stop eating and walk around the block, you fat ass.

Chelsea: I feel like if you want me to not want to eat food, don't have me smelling good food. How about dog ( bleep ) ? Is one of those dog ( bleep ) scent?

Kevin: Shot !

woman: ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪♪

Kevin: Yeah.

woman: There are many Vapor Trim flavors and we suggest you try a variety, just like you eat different foods.

Mike B.: Some good pancakes right here, yo.

woman: The next time you have a craving, stop and assess what you really want. Is that chocolate bar really worth the 500 extra calories and two hours at the gym ?

Jared: Right now, I'm having peach cobbler and strawberry shortcake, so I'm getting my fruits in for the day.

woman: Most food cravings subside after 4 to 12 minutes, so by using Vapor Trim when those cravings hit, you can control your desire to eat high-calorie foods.

Brendon: Whoa, should I be seeing colors and tracers ? Oh my God.

woman: Start your own path to losing weight. Order Vapor Trim today.

Mike T.: Oh, yeah, this is my time right now. I'm sorry, are we filming a show ? Me and this apple pie were just having a smoke party.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Introducing the Alligetter, a handy way to extend your reach like never before.

narrator: Plus... Twinkle twinkle little... tooth ? And later, what's Big Pussy selling this time ?

Vincent: This is America. You got a right to life, liberty and lap dances.

narrator: Find out when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: We've all been there. We've dropped something just out of reach. Whether it's behind the furniture, or even down the drain. But now, there's an easy solution. Introducing the Alligetter, the handy way to extend your reach like never before.

Jaime: "Alligetter." Well, I guess it was either that or "Crocod-I'll Get it."

announcer: Alligetter has sturdy jaws that grip, not slip. You just pull the trigger to save your valuables whenever and wherever you want.

Brad: Let me see if I can find my dignity. No. No-- Oh, I almost see it ! Oh no, that's not it.

announcer: Hair today, gone tomorrow. And it rescues breakfast in a snap !

Mike T.: Hey, is this the Alligetter we use for shower pubes or the one we use for toast ? I just don't want to mix those up again.

announcer: Lost socks are found again thanks to the Alligetter.

Chelsea: Also perfect for pulling back curtains, styling your hair, turning a page in a book and goosing your loved ones.

Brendon: I liked the Alligetter so much, I had my right arm amputated and replaced with an Alligetter.

announcer: The Alligetter is a friendly pet for all ages.

Kevin: Alligetter is the favorite family pet. You hear that, Mr. Whiskers ? We're over you. You're yesterday's news.

announcer: And it even serves as the perfect gift for your loved ones. Now you can own your very own Alligetter for just $10. But wait ! Call right now and get a second Alligetter free !

Daniel: I'll never use my fingers to pick up anything ever again. Hey guys, this one's on me.

announcer: So order now !

announcer: Congratulations on your purchase of Twinkles, the original dental jewelry from Twindent.

Danny: This is like a grill, but for pussies.

announcer: Please watch the following instructional video on what to expect from your Twinkles affixing procedure.

announcer: By closely following the procedure in this video, you'll ensure a good result and a satisfied client.

Chelsea: English people are always on the cutting edge of dentistry, so I'm always eager to see what they're up to, tooth-wise.

announcer: Twinkles can only be mounted on a real tooth. Ask your customer if you're unsure.

Brendon: Sorry, Grandma. You're just gonna have to sparkle up your denture some other way.

announcer: Take a star picker and apply the wax tip to the front part of the jewel. As you place it in the composite, it'll adhere to it and you then remove the star picker by twisting it.

Marianne: For my wedding, I have something borrowed, something blue, something old, something new !

announcer: Allow yourself to rest your arm and hand on the customer's head and chin for more accuracy.

Jaime: Look, I understand it's not easy, but do you have to lean on my face.

announcer: Light cure in a 45-degree angle from all four directions for 20 seconds each, a total of 80 seconds. This process locks the Twinkles mechanically in place.

Mike T.: Oh my, your teeth are so fancy ! I'm embarrassed to even smile around you.

announcer: Let the customer rinse and you're done. With some practice, this procedure will take you only ten to 15 minutes.

Frank: So now what's gonna happen, you're gonna go home with a star in your-- ( hiccup )-- teeth and you're mother's gonna kick your( bleep ) ass. You know what I mean ?

woman: ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪ ♪ Do a shot do a shot ♪

Kevin: Heh, the minutes are moving.

announcer: That now concludes our tutorial. Improve your customer's smile with Twinkles today.

Gary: Everywhere on this earth, there are different tribes and people and situations and groups that do different things to their faces and it works for them. Don't be judgmental. Just be happy.

announcer: Want to hear music out of anything you've got ?

kids: Wow !

announcer: Boom Tunes ! It turns everything into a speaker !

girl: Now that's hot !

Mike T.: Yeah ! Finally, a product that captures what it's like to be a cool teen. Boom Tunes !

Chuck: You know what else turns everything into a speaker ? Headphones.

announcer: Boom Tunes plugs right into your music player and makes anything a speaker. A toy truck ? Boom ! It's a speaker ! A kitchen table ? Boom ! It's a speaker ! Even your sneaker. Boom, it's a speaker !

Marianne: Boom ! Boom Tunes !

announcer: A tissue box ! A cereal box ! A shipping box ! An appliance box ! The bigger the box, the louder Boom Tunes rocks !

Judy: Hey guys. These aren't just a bunch of empty boxes. It's my new sound system !

Tonya: My box has thumped before, all right, and it don't sound anything like anybody wants to hear.

announcer: With headphones, you can't share, but you can blast Boom Tunes everywhere !

Rachel: If you're feeling passive aggressive and you're ready to annoy the ( bleep ) out of everyone, Boom Tunes is ready for you.

announcer: Wait for it...

Brendon: I'm waiting for it, I'm waiting for it !

announcer: Boom, it's a speaker !

commentator: Yeah !

Brendon: Who gives a ( bleep ) ? Why are you wasting my time ?

announcer: Boom Tunes in your chair, or kayak with Boom Tunes and take the music anywhere !

Mike B.: This Boom Tunes is awesome ! I see y'all ! You hear it over there, don't you ?

John: Hey, come on ! We're trying to get some peace and quiet out here, huh ?

Jaime: This is nature !

announcer: You can get your Boom Tunes sound system in your choice of white or black for $19.99.

Chelsea: I don't want to be overly influenced by the vernacular in this commercial, but it seems pretty rockin'.

Mike T.: You like this song ? Guess what ? It's being played by my balls. Boom, they're a speaker now ! Everything's a speaker !

announcer: Boom, it's a speaker.

Kevin: How's Frank doing ? Does he need a Boom Tunes to start playing "Rocky" music to maybe motivate him a little bit ? Let's do another one.

woman: ♪ Let's go let's go ♪ ♪ let's go let's go ♪ ♪ This is the power hour ♪ ♪ Start the clock it's ♪ ♪ counting down ♪♪

Vincent: Hey, I'm Vincent Pastore. Say you're a standup guy, like me. You work hard. You make the cash. You support your family. And sometimes you need to cut loose.

commentator: Yeah !

Vincent: So from time to time, we gentlemen like a gentlemen's club. You have a few drinks, you get a few lap dances. Hey, it's all good. But try telling that to the wife. She don't want to know nothing. And now, she don't have to know.

Chuck: Oh my God, he's gonna offer to kill my wife ?

Vincent: Introducing Alibi Fragrances, essential cologne made just for guys like us. Guys who need an excuse.

Janis: So basically what this product is about is that so you don't smell like vagina and guilt when you get home.

Chelsea: This is why as women, you have to go with your gut in which you know you're always being cheated on.

Vincent: Alibi comes in a whole array of aromas, like "My Car Broke Down," with the subtle scent of gasoline, burnt rubber, grease and steel.

John: Woo.

Jaime: Where have you been ?

John: You know, car broke down.

Jaime: You ride a bike to work.

Tonya: I work on cars all the time. This smells like foo-foo.

Vincent: Or try "I Was Working Late," with distinctive hints of coffee, wool suits, cigarettes and ink.

Jared: Cigarettes ? Wool suits ? Were you working late in the year 1964 ?

The Greg: I was working late. Really ? That doesn't look like a coffee stain.

Vincent: Maybe you'd prefer, "We Were Out Sailing," which covers you in the scent of fresh ocean spray, sea salt and cotton rope.

Mike B.: If I come around smelling like ocean spray, sea salt and cotton rope, I've killed somebody.

Vincent: So next time you're out on the town, cover that stripper's smell with Alibi aromas.

Karl: None of these things addresses the real problem. Glitter. That ( bleep ) never comes off.

Vincent: Available in men's rooms, only at the finest strip clubs. Alibi aromas, the perfect excuse when you need it the most.

man: Thank you.

narrator: You've been pitched 19 of the world's most amazing products.

commentator: Hey !

narrator: Find out what our number-one most clever product is when "World's Smartest Inventions" returns.

announcer: When it's warm, you'd love to open every door and let fresh air into your home. The trouble is, you'd end up letting lots of bugs into your home as well. Now there's Magic Mesh, the new type of screen door that opens easily and then magically closes itself behind you.

The Greg: Are you tired of the hassle of going like this ? I'm talking to you, lazy America.

announcer: So if your hands are full or you have a forgetful family member, you can still let fresh air in and keep annoying bugs out.

Leif: We've already got this technology. It's called a pneumatic hinge, folks. As Tonya would say, "Hello !"

Tonya: Hello, people !

announcer: The secret isn't really magic. It's magnets, 18 magnets to be exact. When you separate them, they automatically snapback together so bugs have little chance to enter.

Marianne: But what about those pesky burglars ?

Judy: They took everything ! Everything in my house ! Except the Magic Mesh door !

announcer: Magic Mesh is perfect for single doors. A must-have for homes with sliding doors and is even great for campers and RV's.

Mike T.: It's not an invention show until someone is telling me to buy something for the RV they assume I have.

announcer: Because even when your hands are full, Magic Mesh will snap closed behind you.

Brendon: The constant clicking of the magnets is driving me mad !

announcer: That makes it great for pets, too, because instead of scratching and whining, they can come and go as they please. Plus, it's so easy to install. No nails, no screws, no tools. Goes up in seconds and stays up all season long.

Brendon: What season ? Baseball season ? Basketball season ? Never mind, just give me ten of them.

announcer: So let the fresh air in and keep those annoying bugs out with Magic Mesh.

Michael: I'll be back to see you later. I gotta take photos of wildlife. Get it, Magic Mesh !

Frank: 60 shots in a ( bleep ) hour.

Kevin: Cheers, Frank.

Frank: This is fun. The Frankster did it. Kevin, I got a funny feeling you faded on me, babe. ( snoring ) Ooh !