World's Smartest Inventions 7 transcript

narrator: Tonight...

announcer: The most amazing

product you've ever seen !

narrator: 20 inventions that are turning up the heat.

man: Real hot !

narrator: Amazing products to help you spruce up your house.

woman: Dolphin Mop. Just push it.

John: Whatever the ( bleep )she said, I'm buying it.

narrator: Class up your look.

announcer: Just zip it and get lazy.

man: This is an outfit for when you don't even think you deserve sweat pants.

narrator: And do whatever the heck she's doing.

Danny: This makes me miss my bong.

narrator: But wait, that's not all ! You also get expert insight from our celebrity staff.

man: Wake me up when it's time for lunch.

narrator: Act now and we'll include legendary pitchman Anthony Sullivan with a very special offer.

Anthony: Guaranteed to preserve a man's virginity or your money back.

narrator: Plus, America's sweethearts... Loni and John, use some amazing products to spice up their love life.

Loni: John, you know I like it on top.

John: Yeah, I do.

narrator: truTV presents...

man: Voila, problem solved.

narrator: ... the "World's Smartest Inventions."

woman: Love it on that slippery tile floor.

narrator: Don't wait !

commentator: Whoa !

narrator: Watch it now.

woman: That's better.

announcer: Nothing makes you feel more invigorated and refreshed than a steaming sauna. But who has the time to spend in a spa ? Plus, the sauna experience can be expensive. Not anymore ! Introducing the revolutionary Sauna Pants, the at-home sauna experience that you can enjoy when you want to and where you want to, right in the comfort of your own home.

John: Isn't the whole point of Saunas to be around strangers ?

announcer: All you do is wrap, adjust heat level and relax as the Sauna Pants deliver a deep soothing heat, relieving your body of excess water.

commentator: What are you doing ?

woman: Nothing... just sitting here brewing up an awesome yeast infection. What are you doing ?

commentator: Uh...

announcer: The Sauna Pants work just like a sauna, creating a moist heat, sweating out unwanted excess water around your midsection and thighs.

Lief: The last time I checked, it was more than my genitalia area that needed detoxing.

Tonya: Yeah.

woman: I'm so relaxed from the knee up and the waist down. Perfect.

announcer: And unlike spa saunas, you're in total control of the heat level, never too cold, never too hot, always just right for you.

Billy: The Sauna Pants have an adjustable heat setting. There's low, high and contraceptive.

Frank: What if you sweat and it short circuits and your nuts blow off ? It could happen.

man: Real hot, real hot !

announcer: Stop sitting around in a room full of strangers.

man: I may enter a sauna with strangers, but I leave with friends. Know what I'm saying ?

woman: Hi, Todd !

announcer: Enjoy your sauna just once and it pays for itself.

Mike: Even the ad knows you're only gonna use this once.

announcer: Order now and just wrap and relax.

John: So honey, aren't you glad I brought the whole sauna experience home ?

Loni: This is not what I had in mind.

man: You guys like to swing or-- just a question.

Loni: Y'all need to both be quiet so I can sweat out my toxins. It's too tight anyway.

announcer: Dog owners, walking your dog is great, but picking up after your furry friend is difficult and unpleasant. Sha-Poopie to the rescue ! Introducing the amazing Sha-Poopie, the easy-to-use extendable poopie catcher that makes the daily walks with your dog a snap.

man: "Sha-Poopie" is such an improvement on this product's original name, ( bleep ) scoop.

Mike: What consumers are saying now with one clear voice is I want more interaction with my dog's crap.

announcer: Place one of the disposable plastic liners in the cup and simply extend the arm, position, retract and snap.

Chris: Wow, just four easy steps. Three more than a plastic bag.

Kevin: Or do what I do. Take a leaf blower and just blow that ( bleep ) into your neighbor's yard.

commentator: Hey !

announcer: Sha-Poopie to the rescue !

commentator: Yay !

woman: Your dog will hate you !

Danny: If somebody sticks a pole under me while I'm taking a dump, I'm holding it in.

announcer: Your dog will easily adjust to the routine and you'll never have to bend over and scoop up the poopie again.

man: Look, "Silence of the Lambs" ! I'm ( bleep ) face.

Frank: So, to how is ( bleep ) ? Good, no problem, Freddie !

man: Hey, pass me that turd ! Thanks, man !

announcer: Now through this exclusive TV offer, you get the amazing Sha-Poopie and 30 liners for only 19.95.

Brad: That should last a long weekend.

Todd: Now all you have to do is keep buying liners' til your dog dies. It's just that easy.

announcer: Don't wait ! Call now and join the Sha-Poopie revolution.

announcer: Sha-Poopie to the rescue !

Billy: You know, we are extremely eager to join the Sha-Poopie revolution in our house. For us, it's gonna be like the Arab Spring. Right, guys ?

Anthony: Anthony Sullivan here. If you poop right now, we'll double the offer. That's two Sha-Poopies and two squeaky balls all for one low price, so poop right now ! Come on, poop.

woman: Where did I park my car ? Oh, no.

announcer: If you have trouble remembering what you don't write down, now there's an easy way to remember everything. It's called My Lil' Reminder.

Leif: It's called My Lil' Alzheimer's.

announcer: The digital voice recorder that records without tape...

woman: Blue section, row 18.

announcer: ... then reminds you later.

woman: Blue section, row 18.

Mike: This invention would have blown me away if I was at the 1912 World's Fair.

Brad: Wow, and it works on no tape ? Which is great, since no one makes tapes anymore.

announcer: Micro technology makes it smaller than a business card, perfect for your purse, pocket or briefcase.

woman: If only I had something in my purse that could just help me record information.

announcer: So easy, even a child can use it.

woman: Don't forget I'll be at Grandma's 'til 5:00.

man: It'll remind your kids why you're not spending time with them.

announcer: Perfect for shopping lists, directions, phone numbers, the office...

Billy: Where did I bury those corpses again ? In the wooded area.

announcer: And because everyone in your family will want one, call now and we'll send you a second one absolutely free. That's right. You get two My Lil' Reminder digital voice recorders for only 9.99.

man: Will My Lil' Reminder also remind you to spend your money on better things than My Lil' Reminder ?

announcer: But don't forget to call. Don't forget to call.

man: So in the commercial, they're using the Lil' Reminder to remind you to call to order the Lil' Reminder.

announcer: This offer is not available in stores, so call now.

Chelsea: She's gone completely mad at the end, so it's hard to tell what's real anymore, what's a pre-recorded voice, what's her actual voice. It's just a funhouse.

woman: Blue section, row 18.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: You need Forever Lazy, the one-piece lie-around, lounge-around full-body lazy wear.

narrator: And the number-one way to keep your number two secret.

announcer: Press the button and the toilet sound blocker drowns out the noise.

Danny: Why would you invent this ? Everybody knows that fart sounds are funny.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: All over the world, the Little Dolphin Easy-Pushing Mop is used by every family.

Chelsea: If this is an ad for an international prostitution ring, they nailed it.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: On lazy days when it's chilly, turning up the heat costs money and wrestling with blankets is silly. If you want to stay warm, you need Forever Lazy, the one-piece lazy wear that covers you from head to toe in soft, warm fleece.

Mike: Finally, an outfit that says (bleep) it.

announcer: Forever Lazy is made of ultra-soft breathable fleece and it's oversized for that baggy comfortable lazy day perfect pajama feeling you love.

Todd: Now I can ride out this depression in ultimate comfort!

Loni: Uh, I do not like grown folks looking like Care Bears.

announcer: Just zip it and get lazy. Now you're toasty warm from head to toe, so you can all watch the big game together while dad does what he does best.

Brendon: That's what dad does best? Sleeping? Who bought all those Forever Lazys for you little ungrateful pricks?

announcer: Whether you're raiding the fridge during a commercial break or cramming for a college exam, Forever Lazy keeps you comfy-cozy.

Billy: So basically, you can wear the Forever Lazy anywhere.

woman: Your honor, my client is absolutely 100% innocent.

announcer: With a drawstring hoodie to keep the chilly weather away, Forever Lazy is the best way to stay warm outdoors. It will be the talk of your next tailgate.

Nick: You're gonna be forever paralyzed if you show up in a parking lot with one of these.

Brad: Guys, is it me or am I standing out more than I normally do at a football game?

Daisy: All right, I'm almost sold. Is there a poop flap?

announcer: Uh-oh, gotta go? No worries. Forever Lazy has zippered hatches in front and back for great escapes when duty calls.

Daisy: There's a poop flap!

Mike: Come on. You're wearing pajamas in public, why not just piss yourself at that point?

announcer: Go ahead, lay around, lie around and get Forever Lazy.

Anthony: The Forever Lazy is so effective... I dunno. It's got a zipper. I gotta be honest with you. I don't really want to do this commercial anymore. I just want to lay on a couch and watch another season of "Jersey Shore." Can someone carry me to my trailer please?

Jenny: Hi, I'm Jenny Brown and I created Bowser Beer for dogs. We both know that people have an incredible emotional bond with their pets and want only the best for them. Therefore, we've created a high quality premium treat that you can reward your dogs with.

man: Beer for my dog. What recession? Get outta here.

Jenny: Here's what some of our customers are saying about it.

man: Obviously, he seems to like it. Devouring it, in fact.

Mike: This is my dog's favorite beverage, right next to toilet water.

Daisy: He loves it. Except for the beer (bleep).

man: It's one of the few things that's actually made here in the United States.

Daniel: Save those fancy imported beers for schnauzers and Lhasa Apsos.

man: The fact that it's made here in the states gives you confidence to use it.

Mike B.: Does everything have to have a patriotic stamp on it?

man: What do I like about Bowser Beer? I like a couple things. One, no alcohol. Makes his coat nice and shiny.

Todd: No alcohol? My dog ain't gonna like it.

Billy: I like that there's no alcohol in it, because I like my dogs to stay rational.

woman: She likes both the chicken and the beef, but she probably likes the chicken just a little bit more than the beef.

Mike T.: I don't know if you can be trusted as an expert on what your dog likes. I don't think any dog likes to be dressed like a Wild West hooker.

man: It's important that this is a low-fat product, 'cause if it wasn't, we'd both be very, very large couch potatoes right about now.

Kevin: It's important that this is a low-fat product, because as you can tell by my physique under the sweatshirt, I'm all about fitness.

man: With USDA-approved ingredients, and these days, that's kind of a nice treat.

Mike B.: We get it, Grandpa. Stars and stripes, red white and blue. Got it. It's just dog beer, dude.

kids: Joey loves Bowser!

Chelsea: That's a wonderful endorsement. Children saying dogs should drink beer. I'm very confused. But delighted.

John: Dogs drinking beer? What's next?

Tonya: Baldwin, get me another chicken-flavored beer.

Daniel: You got it, Harding.

Danny: Harding, you in?

Tonya: Oh, I'm all in.

Danny: You cheating, Bridges?

Todd: Anyone have any twos?

Danny: You know, maybe it's the Bowser talking, but I love you guys.

commentator: Hey! What's happening, baby?

singers: Cruising custom car.

commentator: Wanna go for a ride?

man: Cruising custom car.

Brad: Wait, is this the beginning of a 1980s music video? That just doesn't happen.

singers: Lavish luxury car.

man: Lavish luxury car.

Billy: You know, I'm interested, I'm interested. I'm just wondering if they have it available in any more hideous colors.

singers: Amphibious car.

man: Amphibious car.

Todd: Land and water? This vehicle is bisexual.

Mike T.: It combines two things people like into something they laugh at.

singers: Wild water car.

man: Wild water car.

John: This is the (bleep) most awesome car ever. Who do I gotta blow to get one of these?

commentator: What's up, hotshot? I'm in a car! Woo!

man: Oh my God, what are you doing, we're gonna die! No we're not, check it out. How's the water, baby? I'm rich!

Daisy: Forget the car, I want that guy.

commentator: What's happening, everybody? How y'all doing?

singers: Chick magnet car.

commentator: Hey, come on!

man: Chick magnet car.

commentator: Climb in, sweetheart. Plenty of room, plenty of room.

Ted: And it's resistant to the venereal waters of Spring Break Cove.

man: The Python. Own your own starting at $200,000.

Mike T.: For that money, you could buy a better car and a better boat and have money left over to pay those (bleep) you seem to like so much.

man: The Python. You know you want it.

Chelsea: So you end it with girls picking wedgies out of their butts. That does make me want to purchase this car.

Michael: You know who could have used one of these cars? Ted Kennedy. Goodnight, everybody.

announcer: Sandstorms come from the other side of the sea hitting Japan on the sun. So now we introduce to you Little Dolphin Easy-Pushing Mop.

Judy: Sandstorms come from the other side of the sea and here's a mop.

Mike B.: Hey, if you're gonna do a commercial, match your subtitles with what the people are saying.

announcer: Hitting Japan on the sun. Created in Taiwan, The Little Dolphin Easy-Pushing Mop with push-down handle and superpower rotation. Washing up and drying are just so easy.

Kevin: Because when you think mop, you think dolphin.

announcer: All over the world, in Europe, America, Japan, China and Taiwan, The Little Dolphin Easy-Pushing Mop is used by every family.

Judy: I wear the same exact outfit when I clean my house.

Brad: Wow, cleaning's never been so dirty.

woman: The Little Dolphin Mop. Just push it, it becomes so clean and my hand are not dirty anymore.

Ted: Thanks for really getting that line down, Irena. You've got a great career ahead of you.

woman: Small down hand push mop is so nice and easy. Try it and you will know it.

Chelsea: If this is an ad for an international prostitution ring, they nailed it.

man: They are-- The women, they come with the mop, so you give me $5,000. It's no problem. I give you the Russian girl, I give you this.

woman: Dolphin Mop. Just push it. It help me do the house working very easily and I'm still very pretty.

John: Whatever the (bleep) she said, I'm buying it. I'm buying like, five, ten of those.

Brad: I don't know about you, but I feel clean and pretty.

narrator: Coming up... Finally, a smart way to leave a message.

announcer: Nature's Greeting Bean! It's incredible!

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Introducing the first wearable wine glass holder.

Billy: You can turn your drinking problem into drinking possibilities.

narrator: Then later... What the heck does this invention do?

Brad: That looks dirty.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

man: It's party time!

announcer: The bathroom is a private place to do private things. But certain sounds can give you away.

(fart)

man: Gross!

announcer: Does everyone need to know what you're doing in there? With Eco-Otome Toilet Sound Blocker, keep your personal sounds to yourself.

Mike T.: He's going to the bathroom in the bathroom. You believe this?

Danny: Why would you invent this? Everybody knows that fart sounds are funny.

announcer: Simply press the button twice and the Eco-Otome recreates the sound of rushing water lasting for 25 seconds.

John: Woohoo! Mercy flush.

Brad: Sir, I don't know what that sound is, but you should see a doctor.

John: Still flushing!

announcer: The Eco-Otome is so discreet, it fits on your key chain so you can take it with you anywhere you go.

man: Eco-Otome!

John: Use it on a bus, use it on the subway.

Mike B.: Thank God I brought my Sound Blocker. Stay away from that spice (bleep), you know what it's gonna do to you.

announcer: The Eco-Otome comes in three designs, Pink Ribbon Blue, Earth Tone White, and I Love You Pink.

Brad: You know, I'd probably pick pink because you need a little love when your pants are down in a gas station and you're defecating into a hole in the ground.

announcer: No one needs to know your business but you. Eco-Otome Toilet Sound Blocker.

man: Eco-Otome!

announcer: The sound of serenity. Order now.

Danny: What happened to the time-tested method of turning on the sink? Everyone knows to do that, right?

woman: Want to look your best but have nowhere to grab some quick Zs? Well, now you can with the Inflatable Pillow Tie.

Mike T.: This looks like something that Carrot Top thought about for ten seconds in 1996 but was like, "nah, that's stupid."

woman: At first glance, it appears to be a high-quality necktie, but it hides an inflatable surprise.

Brendon: Oh, why this tie? No, it's not just a hideous tie. It's a Pillow Tie.

woman: Perfect for church, a long flight or sitting through that boring business meeting.

Daniel: Wake me up when it's time for lunch.

woman: Simply flip it over to access the valve on the back then gently bite the base and blow.

Marianne: Now these are instructions I can follow!

woman: In seconds, you'll have a puffy pillow to rest your head.

Judy: Here's another use for the Pillow Tie. Right here.

man: I'm gonna wear my Pillow Tie to Daniel Baldwin's next movie! Thanks, Pillow Tie!

woman: Don't worry. Your friends can't steal this because it only fits in the custom-made pillow tie.

Brad: Oh, it doesn't fit a normal tie? Darn. Because I have a $200 Gucci tie that I was hoping to turn into an air mattress.

woman: The perfect mix of stylish, practical and funny. The Pillow Tie makes a great gift. Order now.

Billy: The perfect mix of stylish, practical and funny. Except for funny. And practical. And it's not very stylish either. But it's the perfect mix.

announcer: Introducing the Nature's Greeting Bean! It's incredible! A new gift plant that quickly sprouts to reveal a secret personal message engraved on the beautiful plant's central bean.

Todd: Oh yes. Magic beans. The original horse (bleep) invention.

announcer: Just open, water, make your wish and watch your message grow and grow and grow!

Mike T.: If someone gives this to you as a gift, you are well within your rights to throw it directly in the garbage while keeping eye contact with them.

announcer: Share the wonderful spirit of any occasion with family, friends and loved ones.

Ted: It's incredible. Somebody writing a cliche on a bean made me want to live again.

announcer: Pick one of our well-chosen Nature's Greeting varieties, "I Love You," "Happy Birthday," "Best Wishes" and many, many more!

Daisy: Oh my God! The bean said the message that I actually purchased. What a surprise.

Billy: Look, honey, here's an ugly weed that says I love you.

Marianne: Hearing I was HIV positive from a plant really took the edge off.

announcer: It's a living, unique and amazing gift designed to surprise, excite and be remembered for years to come.

John: I got you this gift.

Loni: Ooh, it looks expensive. What the hell is this? A bean?

John: It says "best wishes."

Loni: I don't want no words on my damn beans. I want chicken on my beans. You don't know me at all.

John: Good thing I got the "I'm sorry" bean, too. Yo Loni, wait up.

announcer: Do you struggle to juggle food and wine at parties? Well, not anymore. Introducing the Very Boberry Eat Drink & Be Merry, the first wearable wineglass holder.

Mike T.: The secret to having a successful product is simple. Give it the longest name possible, full sentence if you can.

announcer: The Very Boberry Eat Drink & Be Merry gives you the freedom to shake hands, exchange business cards and handle a plate of hors d'ouevres with ease.

Billy: With the Very Boberry, you can turn your drinking problem into drinking possibilities.

Daisy: I'm looking for a way to not worry about my wine glass when I get blackout, (bleep) house balls-out drunk. Thanks, Boberry.

announcer: The patented double U-shaped wire sling is adjustable so it fits most wine glasses.

Todd: Looks like my wine is ready to go rock climbing on the side of substance abuse mountain.

Leif: And it's not just for alcohol.

announcer: The Boberry fits comfortably around your neck, allowing you to take your glass on and off with ease. Add a gift bag and a glass and it's the perfect gift for anyone who likes wine, so get your Very Boberry Eat Drink & Be Merry today.

Frank: Listen, I've been at parties where you want both hands. I have a few drinks, start grabbing ass, you know. Oh yeah, (bleep). Yeah, I'm going for split tail right away. I do.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: The Note Me Pillow is a bright, fun and functional way to send a personal message.

Marianne: I love finding creative new ways to nag my husband.

narrator: And... Safe silverware for your special friend.

Nick: You don't want your dog to choke on a fork? Put the food in a bowl!

narrator: Plus...

woman: Pocket shots. The go-anywhere flask on the fly.

Kevin: Great. Now instead of carrying around my flask, I can carry like 30 of these around. It's so much easier.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

Daniel: Now you can experience dumb like never before.

Brad: With the "World's Dumbest" app.

Judy: It's the best videos whenever you want 'em.

Bryan: It's free on your phone or tablet.

Chuck: Use the app while you watch the show. Take dumb to a whole new level.

Daisy: Go to the app store and download it now.

woman: What's your pleasure? You'll find it here. Just a sec. It's hot under these lights. That's better.

Chelsea: Okay, go ahead and grease up her stomach. Put more sun damage, more sun damage, more moles... Perfect, we've got our girl.

woman: Pocket Shots. We've got smooth premium vodka. No, no, no. Down here. Imported Caribbean rum, spiced rum and tequila.

Billy: Pocket Shot. The alcohol you need when you need it.

Frank: This is like a drinking man's colostomy bag.

woman: Tequila drives me wild. Nuh-uh! Kentucky bourbon whiskey--

Chris: Stop redirecting me. I'd pay more for the breasts.

woman: Nuh-uh!

John: Move the camera up!

woman: Kentucky bourbon whiskey and London dry gin. Pocket Shots are unique, like you. They're flexible and squeezable and come in this rugged standup pouch.

Nick: Which pocket do you put it in, 'cause I put it in my back pocket. Next thing you know, my nuts are marinated in gin.

woman: Pocket Shots, the go-anywhere flask on the fly.

Kevin: Great. Now instead of carrying around my flask, I can carry like 30 of these around. It's so much easier!

woman: Look for your favorite below.

Michael: What happened to your face? Seriously. There's a reason they won't want to show the face. Ah! Back down! Go back down!

woman: Tequila drives me wild.

Anthony: Anthony Sullivan here all full of Pocket Shots. Are you sick of Anthony Sullivan not telling you exactly what's on his mind? He'll tell you about the real bastards out there. Act now and I'll puke in your houseplant. Order now. Seriously, that's-- can we get a beach or something?

announcer: Are texts, tweets and e-mails taking over your life? Do you miss the feeling of receiving handwritten notes? Introducing the Note Me Pillow. The Note Me Pillow is a bright, fun and functional way to send a personal message.

woman: Hey honey, look what I got us.

Brad: Oh, look, it's an e-mail that you can sleep on.

announcer: Handwritten notes will be appreciated any time.

woman: You know what? I don't have a business card, but I do have a Note Me, so I'll just write my information on here and you give me a call, sir.

announcer: Use Note Me to leave an important reminder for loved ones.

Mike T.: I said to get eggs. I put it on the pillow. Why do I even write things on this pillow?

announcer: Or just to say you care.

Brendon: My wife just left me a note on my pillow.

announcer: Just use the Note Me pen to write messages, pictures, whatever you want.

Bryan: "Bite here, Brad."

announcer: And when you're ready to start over, the Note Me pillow washes clean in cold water, no soap required.

Daisy: Unlike pesky texts, the Note Me takes hours to wash and dry.

Chelsea: Even in the edited-down commercial version of how this pillow is cleaned, it takes too long.

announcer: Note Me, a simple solution to a complicated world. Order now.

Mike T.: You know what? Between your beans and your pillows and your My Lil' Reminders, I'm getting a little sick of your passive-aggressive message delivery systems.

Mike B.: Don't forget to check the Note Me.

Val: Hi, I'm Val Arnold and I am the inventor of My Best Friend's Fork. I'm guilty of feeding my dogs off of a fork and I'm sure a lot of you do that as well.

Kevin: We don't.

Val: It was just recently that I was feeding my dog Grizz. Grizz tried to take the fork from my hand and I freaked out and my heart sunk, and I'm like, there has to be something. I searched everywhere to see if there was a fork that was available for dogs so that they didn't swallow the fork. There was nothing.

Nick: You don't want your dog to choke on a fork? Put the food in a bowl!

Mike T.: I really wanted my dog to learn to ride a bike, but did you know there's zero bicycles for dogs out there? Zero!

Val: And then all of a sudden, an X-ray with a fork in a dog's stomach. It made me sick.

Marianne: Not sick enough that I wouldn't still feed it from the table. But so sick.

Val: But it was an a-ha moment that I jumped up, and made one in the kitchen. This is designed for dogs. Safer than a regular utensil because it is rounded.

Chelsea: I hope her next a-ha moment will be, oh, I'm a human and my dog is a dog. I'll use the silverware, he can use whatever.

Val: I have a pink rhinestone for girls, a blue rhinestone for boys and a diamond.

Brad: So what's the diamond for? (bleep) dogs?

Val: Also, do not ever feed your dogs garlic, onions, pork, chocolate and grapes.

Billy: Even off the dog fork?

Daisy: And they eat other items, poop, candy wrappers, doll heads.

Val: It's forking awesome.

Chris: I think a better response here would be "fork you."

John: I know I really messed up before, but I think you're really gonna love this gift. It's got a diamond in it.

Loni: Ooh, John, is this what I think it is?

John: Yeah. It's a dog fork with a diamond.

Loni: First of all, this ain't no diamond, it's a clear rock. Secondly, why do you think I want to eat like a dog?

John: It's a forking awesome gift! Bitch.

Loni: Heard that.

announcer: Yuck! Look at that ring around the collar. You can wash it, but that ring around the collar is never gonna come out.

Daniel: Keeping white collars white seems like the epitome of a first world problem.

announcer: Until now! Knock out ring around the collar for good with Kollar Guard. Look, sweat, dirt and dead skin rub on your clothes and that's what creates dreaded ring around the collar.

Mike B.: Who's the dirty neck bastard wearing this shirt?

Judy: Who sees your (bleep) collar anyway?

announcer: It's so easy. Simply peel and press Kollar Guard directly on your shirts and knock out ring around the collar for good.

Billy: The Kollar Guard, AKA adhesive tape.

announcer: Finally, you can keep your collars clean and extend the life of your shirts with Kollar Guard.

Todd: Dirt on a shirt or dirt on masking tape. It's all the same to me. Whee!

announcer: When you're done, just peel it off and toss it out, leaving your collar looking good as new, guaranteed.

Todd: Curse you, Kollar Guard! No!

Irving: Ring around the collar is terrible. This prevents it. It blocks it. It keeps it from ever happening.

Kevin: Because when I think "ring around the collar," I think former NFL wide receiver Irving Fryar.

Mike T.: You see that, NFL players? Hang on to some of that money, otherwise you gotta start doing Kollar Guard commercials.

Richard: It's a lot cheaper to buy Kollar Guard than new shirts.

Daisy: Thanks to Kollar Guard, Richard was able to wear his shirt 52 times before washing it.

announcer: Call right now and we'll send you 12 easy-to-use Kollar Guards for all your collared shirts for just 19.95.

Loni: For 19.95, I'll clean that shirt myself.

announcer: So pick up the phone right now and knock out ring around the collar with Kollar Guard.

Frank: The problem is, the collar's clean, but you got, like, rings under your underarms and you got BO, so how do you fix that?

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: The redneck beer holster is the beer belt that ensures you're never out of ammo.

Mike T.: Oh, this would be great for me. I do some of my best drinking in public.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Introducing Glow Grip, the world's brightest glow in the dark super grip traction.

Marianne: My husband loves glow grip. It helps him find his way in the dark.

narrator: And...

man: Have you ever had the problem in your house of which way is the right and wrong way to put the toilet paper on?

Brad: Well, right off the bat, this infomercial looks legitimate.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

man: Hello, hello, hello. Have you ever had the problem in your house of which way is the right and wrong way to put the toilet paper on?

Brad: Well, right off the bat, this infomercial looks legitimate.

Chelsea: I really wish he had moved the scale and the trash can before he shot this commercial. It's a little claustrophobic in there.

man: Arguments taking place day-in and day out, so I say, you know what? I've got to come up with a solution to this problem. In about 15 minutes, I thought about it. I said, you know what? I got it. Voila. And I actually came up with my product which I entitled the Tilt-A-Roll, which is a rotatable toilet paper dispenser. The toilet paper is coming what they consider to be under or down the wall. Well, all you have to do now with the Tilt-A-Roll is take the paper and turn it and you have it coming over the top.

Daisy: How did I engineer it? Two words. Loose screw. Blammo.

Billy: You know, before we got a Tilt-A-Roll, we had so many arguments in our house. A number of members of my family just gave up wiping altogether.

man: It's over the top. If you like it underneath the bottom, take it, spin it, and now it's coming underneath the bottom. So, voila, problem solved.

Brendon: Voila. Voila. Voila.

Frank: My theory is, who gives a (bleep)?

Ted: We're leaving, Mother. I didn't like the way the toilet paper roll was positioned, so I wiped myself on the bathroom rug.

commentator: That's okay, Teddy.

man: So hopefully you won't have any more arguments in your household, at least over this issue.

Brad: There is only one choice, and it's over. Unless you're some kind of ginger-haired soulless freak.

(flushing)

John: Honey, I think I know a way that we'll never fight again.

Loni: You're getting a job.

John: No, it's the Tilt-A-Roll. You can turn it this way, I can turn it that way.

Loni: John, you know I like it on top.

John: Yeah, I do.

Loni: Did you think of this on your own?

John: No, I had a friend.

Anthony: My work here is done.

announcer: Winter weather can be harsh, especially on your feet. Oh no! This winter, do your feet a favor. Keep them warm even on the coldest winter day with Verseo Thermo Soles, the world's first wire-free rechargeable heated insoles.

Danny: Just when I thought my feet weren't hot and sweaty enough.

announcer: Thermo Soles provide excellent cushion and radiant warmth for ultimate wintertime comfort.

Leif: You know, there's this crazy new invention called socks.

John: Look, it comes with a DVD!

announcer: Congratulations on your purchase of Thermo Soles. Before you use Thermo Soles, charge it for eight hours, then you only need to charge the soles for two hours for regular use.

Loni: It's too much math. I don't want it.

Kevin: When I'm about to go out in the snow, I'm always like, you know what? I've got ten hours to kill. Why don't I charge up my soles?

announcer: To start using the Thermo Soles, turn both switches to the "on" position, towards the right or away from the power socket.

Brad: Wait, okay, hold on. I have to-- In the "off"? Is that-- Is that left or right?

announcer: Because each sole works separately than the other, one light might be on and the other off. This is perfectly normal. That's just your Thermo Sole continuously adjusting to your body temperature.

Billy: This has more instructions than a super collider.

Mike T.: Uh, yeah, hey, I can't come to your party. Something came up.

announcer: Do not immerse your Thermo Soles in water. Make sure they're dry before you use them again. Never bend the soles.

Michael: How do you walk?

announcer: So order your Thermo Soles today for just $99.

Marianne: $99? Just stay inside.

Billy: Whatever you do, do not combine these with the Sauna Pants or you will go back in time.

announcer: Are you a redneck? Do you like your beer?

commentator: Yeah!

announcer: Then you better come to the party loaded up. The Redneck Beer Holster is the beer belt that ensures you're never out of ammo.

Mike T.: Oh, this would be great for me. I do some of my best drinking in public.

announcer: With six can holders, the Redneck Beer Holster is the ultimate gift for that beer-drinking guy in your life.

Danny: It only holds six. A real redneck beer holster would hold at least 12.

announcer: You'll be the hit of the tailgate party or fishing trip with six cold ones strapped around your waist.

Judy: Come on, kids, time to go to school.

Billy: The Redneck Beer Holster is also great for dogs, to carry their Bowser Beer in.

announcer: Now you don't have to worry about misplacing your drink when you go to the bathroom or someone stealing your beer at a party.

Jessie: 'Cause you know those parties. Where the beer thieves come. What?

Brad: No! These are mine! These are my 24 beers! I brought 'em for me! You said BYOB!

announcer: Constructed from durable ballistic nylon, the beer holster comes in green army camo.

Billy: So you can take it hunting, or into battle.

Tonya: This is really cool. Do they make it in all types of camo? I wonder.

announcer: Features quick snap buckle and adjustable sized belt strap that will fit comfortably around even the biggest beer belly.

John: I'm gonna get Brad this for Christmas. It's gonna be the closest thing he has to a six-pack.

Chelsea: For the redneck lady with a little bit of class, throw a glass of wine in there. Maybe six of them. See you out there!

announcer: Order now!

commentator: Yeah!

announcer: It's dark and then you slip, oh no! And look, this could happen to anyone. Well, never again. Introducing Glow Grip, the world's brightest glow in the dark super grip traction.

Kevin: It's perfect for turning your house into a tacky dorm room.

announcer: This could happen to anyone.

Mike T.: It could happen to anyone. But mainly old people.

announcer: Absolutely everyone has someplace in their life where they need Glow Grip. Basement stairs, the back deck, the pool, the garage, the bathroom.

Daniel: Sure, my house looks like it's covered with radioactive waste, but that's a small price to pay to be able to walk without fear of slipping. Thanks, Glow Grip!

announcer: It's two in one. You get the glow and the grip. The secret is the supercharged glow grit that constantly recharges in natural and artificial light.

Marianne: My husband loves Glow Grip. It helps him find his way in the dark.

announcer: And look at the super grip traction. Now, that's steeper than anyplace you're going to walk. Whoa, kersplasho!

Mike B.: Did he just say "kersplasho"?

announcer: Whoa, kersplasho!

Jessie: All right, this guy is giving me the ker-creeps.

Nick: I'm gonna get Glow Grip. I will never fall out of the back of a dump truck again.

announcer: And it's the brightest glow in the dark product in the world. So bright you can read a book by it and it glows all night.

woman: Love it on that slippery tile floor.

Mike T.: I bet you do, old lady. Gross.

announcer: Call or go online right now and we'll include enough Glow Grip to do the basement, the attic, the bathroom, the garage, the back steps and the front steps for just 19.99.

Judy: The light, it's coming in every night, I haven't slept in weeks with the Glow Grip. It's ridiculous.

narrator: Tonight, we've seen and sampled 19 brilliant new products.

announcer: Sha-Poopie to the rescue!

narrator: But wait, there's more!

woman: Oh, no.

narrator: One more, in fact. The number-one smartest invention of them all will be revealed right here when we return.

announcer: Enlarge lips naturally. No surgery, no injections. Luscious lip pump, the natural way to restore fullness and enhance your smile. Simply place the device over your mouth and pull the cylinder forward. Increase lip size quickly without surgery.

Daniel: For my money, you can't go wrong with a product that combines women's mouths and suction.

Billy: The Luscious Lips pump, which was formally known as the luscious penis pump.

Danny: This makes me miss my bong.

announcer: Your lips will look smoother, fuller and younger while reducing fine lines and wrinkles.

Frank: My lips-- Lips look the same, don't they? No they don't.

man: Yeah, a little--

Frank: Get the (bleep) outta here, you serious?

announcer: Luscious Lips can be used anywhere.

Marianne: So thanks for taking me out again. So how long have you worked at the bank? Ten years? Oh, that's great.

announcer: No creams, no chemicals and no doctors, only natural-looking results.

Jessie: This music reminds me of training montages from forgotten '80s movies.

announcer: And the results are long-lasting.

Daisy: Rocky's about to fight someone, pound the (bleep) out of some Russian lips. Let's go!

announcer: Painless.

Mike T.: Also, boobs.

announcer: Sensual.

Daisy: Make out. Make out, do it. Tongue her, make out!

Danny: After watching that commercial, I'm conflicted. I don't much care for the product, yet I have a boner.

announcer: Full, pouty, kissable lips. Affordably.

Loni: Look, don't mess up what God gave you. He gave you thin lips, deal with it. You just better be able to rock 'em in the bed.

Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for Anthony Sullivan. This experienced, handsome pitchman can make your invention shine. He'll take your product from dumb thing to cha-ching, from no way to I'll pay. With Anthony Sullivan, you'll have people lining up to buy your product before they're even really sure what it is. But wait, there's more! Actually, there isn't, but Anthony Sullivan will always find a way to say there is even where there isn't. Buy your Anthony Sullivan spokesman today. He's more affordable than you think. Operators are standing by. You're calling about Anthony Sullivan? Tell them Anthony Sullivan sent you. Order now.