Worlds Smartest Inventions 13 transcript

man: Home, sweet, home.

TV, don't fail me now.

announcer: Cat's Meow, the exciting

new cat toy.

man: Cats? Come on.

announcer: Don't you wanna be the guy or gal with the Big Hot Dog?

man: No, thank you.

announcer: Embarrassed by your ugly, calloused feet?

man: Ugh!

announcer: You need a Kookn' Kap.

man: Commercial, commercial, commercial... (snoring)

(doorbell ringing)

announcer: Kevin, what are you waiting for? Answer the door now!

Kevin: Who is that? Okay, coming.

announcer: The world's only remote-controlled squirrel-proof birdfeeder.

Kevin: Killer squirrels!

woman: Oh!

Kevin: Cougars in heat.

woman: Yes, you can.

Kevin: Ugh. Ahh!

announcer: Introducing the Incredible Indoor Banana Tree. Plump bananas...

(cell phone ringing)

voice: Hey, Kevin, it's your friends at "World's Dumbest." Along with 20 of the smartest inventions, you also get our cast of hilarious comedians, free of charge.

Kevin: No! What? Oh, it was only a dream.

Kevin: Or was it?

Kevin: Who are you?

Kevin: I'm you. Relax yourself.

Kevin: What's happening?

Kevin: What's happening is "World's Smartest Inventions" starts now !

Closed Captions Provided by truTV

narrator: Let's get started with the "World's Smartest Inventions." Coming in at number 20, the Bacon Bowl.

announcer: Everybody loves bacon. The sizzle, the scent, the mouth-watering taste. Didn't think it could get any better? Introducing Perfect Bacon Bowl, the easy way to make delicious edible bowls out of bacon for fun, savory, crunchable yum.

Malachi: Sorry, starving African children. I couldn't hear your stomachs growling over the sound of my crunchy bowl made out of bacon.

announcer: Eggs and hash browns for breakfast? It's better in a Bacon Bowl. Just wrap your favorite cut of bacon around the Perfect Bacon Bowl form and cook.

Brendon: If you have a favorite cut of bacon, you're eating way too much bacon.

announcer: In just minutes, you'll have tasty, toasty Perfect Bacon Bowls. Kids want mac and cheese? Serve the perfect portion that's sure to please.

woman: I've made everybody's favorite, code-red diabetes bites. Come get these little swine pockets.

announcer: The unique design allows the bacon to crisp up evenly while grease collects in the channel so you can pour it out of your diet.

Ted: And you can use the grease to wash down your heart medication.

announcer: Or make healthy egg white turkey bacon bowls.

Chris: I'm sorry, I misheard that. Did you say "healthy"?

announcer: Perfect Bacon Bowl makes bacon the star of every dish. Everything's better in a Perfect Bacon Bowl.

Mike O.: Stop saying bacon bowl!

announcer: Call now to get two Perfect Bacon Bowls for $10.

Annie: I wonder where all the bacon-eating actors from the Bacon Bowl commercial are now?

♪♪

announcer: How would you like to have beautiful designer nails like these without having to go to the salon and pay a fortune? Well, now, you can get professional salon results right at home in just minutes with Salon Express, the easy-to-use, do-it-yourself designer nail kit.

Katlyn: The manicure that says, yes, I did get my nails done at the mall. No, not the nice mall.

announcer: Just brush your polish onto the image disc, scrape off the excess, transfer the design onto the stamp and roll it onto your nail.

woman: It's so easy.

woman: It is easy, right? I mean, simple, easy, one, two, three.

Jaime: It's as easy as one, two, three! Four, five, six.

Kevin: Just 100 easy steps and if you mess one of them up, start all over!

woman: With Salon Express, you will have nails that look like this in seconds. So now, I can do it myself and you know what? People are gonna be commenting on it all night when I'm out.

man: Oh, my God, Sharon, is that a flower on your nail? You look like a movie star with that flower on your nail.

Dan: This is like the nail equivalent of a tramp stamp, only this lets you know she's not good in bed.

woman: Don't you always want your nails to match your outfit?

woman: Yes, I love that.

Daisy: What could you possibly have that would match this?

announcer: Right now, you can get our designer kit for just $10. As a bonus, we'll include our French manicure disc absolutely free.

Katlyn: Oh, the French manicure kit is included. For a second, I was like, this isn't for strippers.

announcer: That's right. You get the designer kit, the French manicure disc and the eight-piece manicure set all for only $10.

Mike O.: I said no to this when I found out they didn't even offer a Spiderman design.

narrator: "World's Smartest Inventions" presents... "Why didn't I think of that?!?"

announcer: On the beach, at parties or even at the game. These folks have discovered a way to keep their drink close by without having to hold it. Introducing The Beer Buckle. The world's only retractable can-or-bottle-holding belt buckle. This simple stylish contraption attaches to any belt and conveniently folds out to hold your drink of choice while you party it up hands-free. Beer cans, soda cans, water bottles, it's all good with The Beer Buckle.

narrator: Now back to our countdown.

Mike D.: Hi, Mike D. here for Squirrel Boss. Got a squirrel problem with your birdfeeder? Get a Squirrel Boss squirrel-proof birdfeeder. A Squirrel Boss birdfeeder makes you the boss.

Dan: If you're the boss of squirrels, you're probably not the boss of anything else.

Mike D.: Just press the remote control and deliver a harmless static-shock correction that conditions the squirrels to stay away, so the birds can feed.

man: Die, you cute little squirrel, die!

♪♪

man: Babe, you mind hanging this Squirrel Boss in that tree outside for me?

Kaitlyn: That sounds like fun!

man: Oh, you're the best, darling.

Katlyn: Let's do it.

man: Oh, yeah. Ooh!

Katlyn: Where do you want me to put it? (screaming)

man: Oh, I'm sorry, babe!

Katlyn: Wait 'til I hang it in the tree!

man: It's not me, it's the Squirrel Boss. It has a mind of its own.

Mike D.: With the squirrels long gone, you'll save so much feed, I guarantee this product will pay for itself.

Sunah: How expensive is birdseed? Are we buying it at Sotheby's? Barney's? I don't understand.

Mike D.: Squirrel Boss is the world's only remote-controlled squirrel-proof birdfeeder. Be the boss, get a Squirrel Boss squirrel-proof birdfeeder.

man: Order right now and we'll throw in the Squirrel Boss slow cooker.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: The Incredible Indoor Banana Tree!

narrator: You've never seen doomsday prepping like this. And... an invention with a magic touch. Plus, a stone-cold great idea.

announcer: The Rock Can can store all your pet waste needs outside in an inconspicuous way.

narrator: But first...

Kevin: I need to know what the number-one smartest invention is.

devil: What's in it por moi?

Kevin: Excuse me?

devil: Por moi. It means "for me" in French. I'm trying to spice things up-- Forget it. What's in it for me?

Kevin: Uh, $500,000.

devil: Not enough.

Kevin: $1 million.

devil: Not enough! Here's a taste of the number-one moment and perhaps after you've seen it, you'll reconsider your meager offer!

announcer: The dry, hard skin will peel right off. You won't believe your eyes.

Kevin: Okay, then, I'll give you anything.

devil: Anything? In that case, your soul.

Kevin: Deal!

devil: Stick around, 'cause the number-one smartest invention is coming up.

♪♪♪♪

narrator: Our number-17 smartest invention...

announcer: Attention, gardeners and fruit lovers! Why settle for mushy, overripe and rotten store-bought bananas when you can grow your own luscious heart-healthy bananas by the bunch?

man: Boy, I could sure go for a banana right now. Ew, what is that, from a store? Gross!

announcer: Introducing the Incredible Indoor Banana Tree! Imagine growing dozens of delicious potassium-packed bananas for you and your whole family to enjoy right in your very own home.

man: Now I can have bananas in just the amount of time it takes a tree to grow!

(clock ticking)

woman: Kids, I think I see a banana!

announcer: You can add them to cereal, make banana bread, banana splits, muffins, the perfect school snack or just take them on the go.

Dan: You can use all these bananas in the same ways that you can use bananas! It's incredible.

announcer: Tired of nagging your kids to eat healthy snacks? They'll love the excitement these trees will bring and will be anxious to pick and eat them with their friends.

Brendon: Listen, kids, Daddy made a bad investment, so we gotta eat bananas all the time, like a bunch of (bleep) damn monkeys! We're a banana family now!

announcer: Everyone will simply go bananas for these bananas. A great conversation piece and learning experience.

Kevin: A great conversation piece? Really? How's that go? Oh, is that an Incredible Banana Tree?

Chris: Yes.

announcer: But wait, there's more! Buy one Incredible Indoor Banana Tree and get a second banana tree free! Limited supply, don't wait, order now.

Chris: Call now, operators are standing by. Hello, Banana Tree. Can I take your order? Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Banana Tree, can I take your order? Oh, can you hold? I'm sorry, I have another line. Hello, all of you, do you want banana trees? Yes, I'm talking to you now. Can you hear me?

woman: Ooh!

Kevin: Is this just a home video of some girl's birthday party? No? This is a real commercial? Okay, continue.

woman: What is this?

woman: Ooh!

woman: That is the uTouch. Okay, so you slide your fingers in here, turn it on right there and then you just... Oh...

woman: Oh!

Ted: How do I get invited to this magical massage party?

woman: So here's the deal, ladies. If you can touch it, you can relieve it.

woman: Oh! Yes, you can.

(all laughing)

Katlyn: If you can touch it, you can relieve it. Know what I'm saying?

Chris: Hey, man, do you want to hang out? Like, now? My mom's having one of her old lady sex parties.

woman: I can feel this down to my toes.

woman: Now hold on a minute, when do we get a try?

Sean: Hey, kids! Your horny grandma is in a commercial!

Sunah: And for her birthday, she gets to know what her mom's "Oh-face" looks like.

announcer: The gentle power of uTouch twin touch-point technology breaks up painful stress and tension in your hands, shoulders, forehead, temples, sinuses, calves, feet, ankles, neck...

Brendon: Um, I think you guys left a body part out.

woman: All right, give it back.

woman: No!

woman: You're enjoying it too much.

John: Let's just keep those cameras rolling, 'cause I got a feeling, another half a wine spritzer later, they're gonna be scissoring.

woman: Oh...

narrator: "World's Smartest Inventions" presents... "Manvention".

announcer: Few things in life are as functional and awesome as the Beardo hat. It's a beanie with a beard. The oversized Beardo doesn't just make you lumberjack cool, it also keeps you warm. Beardos are knitted with 100% acrylic yarn, keeping you cozy without irritation. Available in different colors, the Beardo is ideal for snowboarding, skiing, hiking or just keeping warm. So drop your beard envy and pick up a Beardo.

narrator: This has been "World's Smartest... Manvention". At number 15 on our countdown...

woman: Let's put this in the garage.

girl: No, it'll smell in there.

woman: Oh, you're right. Well, that doesn't look very good, either. I wish we had a better place to put it.

Kevin: Yeah, nobody stacks bags of dog crap in front of their garage. That's not a real problem that's ever happened for anybody.

announcer: Introducing the Rock Can, a new type of functional landscaping. Instead of keeping dog waste bags in your garage and smelling it up or having unsightly bags in front of your house, use the Rock Can.

Daisy: It looks like a rock, but it's full of (bleep)!

announcer: The Rock Can can store all your garbage and pet waste needs outside in an inconspicuous way.

Mark: This is gonna be a bad night when you come home drunk and you're looking for your Hide-a-Key.

announcer: It can hold your pet waste. It can go by the pool to keep your pool chemicals in. It can go on the deck so you can hold party drinks in it.

man: Now remember, everyone. The fake rock on the left is for dog poop, but the fake rock on the right is for Mike's Hard Lemonade. Who wants one?

announcer: It can go by your grill so you can...... throw your waste away.

Jaime: What was that pause? A cliffhanger?

Mike O.: It can go by the grill so you can... let me just turn this page here. Throw your waste away!

announcer: It can do so many things. It's portable and lightweight. Move it where you need it.

Katlyn: Then when the Rock Can is full, just transfer the poop to the garbage. You get to touch the poop twice!

announcer: The Rock Can, order now!

Ted: Just throw your bags of (bleep) on people's roofs like everyone else.

announcer: Tried every diet. Nothing seems to work. Now there's Stink Yourself Slim, a new weight-loss aid that kills your appetite by spraying a bad smell near your food.

man: You hear that, other diet companies? You might as well shut it down. This lady figured out the perfect weight-loss solution. Liquid ass!

♪♪

Dan: Ugh! Whoa. That's really gross.

announcer: Stink Yourself Slim was invented by Miss Alex Fontaine.

Alex: I had a eureka moment when I was at a party.

Jared: Oh, my God, it's a half-woman, half-skunk hybrid!

Alex: And there was a really, really bad smell and I couldn't eat the buffet. At the party, I met my new best friend, Sally Skunk. She's inspired me to create Stink Yourself Slim.

Mark: She met a skunk at a party? What kind of party is this?

Kevin: Are we supposed to buy a skunk now? I'm totally confused.

Alex: I lost ten kilos with Stink Yourself Slim and it's helped keep the weight off.

Malachi: From the look of her body, she could have put a little more stank on it.

Alex: I can't believe a bad smell has changed my life. You can do it. Stink Yourself Slim.

Sean: Wow, that looks delicious.

Mike O.: Yeah, it's a lobster. Duh. What are you eating?

Sean: Ham sandwich.

Mike O.: Ham sandwich, boring.

Sean: Oh, my god, look behind you, a mugger!

Mike O.: What? How did they even get in here? Wait, there's no mugger. Oh! What is that smell? I've lost my appetite.

Sean: Well, I guess you won't be eating this.

narrator: Coming up... (cat meowing)... a new way to mess with your cat.

announcer: Order your very own Cat's Meow.

narrator: And the real housewives of Colonial Williamsburg.

announcer: You need a Kookn' Kap.

narrator: Plus, what happens when C-notes and C-cups meet?

announcer: Stuff your bra with The Racktrap.

narrator: Find out when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

♪♪

announcer: Do you love cooking, having a dinner party for your girlfriends and preparing some food filled with aroma? Does the smell of your delicious food get in your hair?

Katlyn: Man, I hate it when my hair smells delicious.

announcer: If so, you need a Kookn' Kap. This trendy yet comfortable and stylish Kookn' Kap will save any blowout and keep your hair smelling fresh and looking like you just styled it.

Ted: Or push that dinner party back 15 minutes and jump in the shower, you pig.

announcer: Kookn' Kap. It keeps the smells of eggs, bacon, sausage, omelets, hash browns and pretty much anything else out of your hair.

man: You're gonna have to put this cap on, baby, if you want me to have sex with you, 'cause I can't do it with your hair smelling like steak and potatoes and baby carrots and cheesecake for dessert.

announcer: Are you a working mom on the go? Do you want to make breakfast for your family and still make it to work on time?

woman: It saved me so much time from having to wash my hair, that now I can dedicate my life to ironing my husband's shirts.

announcer: And men can wear it, too.

man: How do I look, everyone? Like a nurse from the '20s?

announcer: Not only does the Kookn' Kap keep the smell out of your hair, it also keeps hair out of your food.

Rachel: Why is she dressed like she's in a soft-core Quaker porn?

man: Kookn' Kap is most effective naked so the rest of your clothes don't smell. Don't pan down. You don't want to get my spatula in the shot.

announcer: You can have your very own for as low as 9.95. Hair smell like crap? Get a Kap!

Kevin: Who said anything about hair smelling like crap? Don't cook crap. Easy solution.

(doorbell ringing)

announcer: You wouldn't lather and shave on the way to your date and you wouldn't carry a big, bulky electric razor in your pocket all day. But now, there's a quick and easy way to shave your face anyplace. Introducing Shave Bullet, the finger-sized razor that shaves fast as a bullet and close as a blade, for the cleanest, most convenient shave ever.

Brendon: Yeah, guys, keep that shave nice and close. Nobody wants a gross dude with a beard.

announcer: Keep it in your briefcase so you can touch up in a moment's notice for those unexpected business meetings.

Jared: This is a time-management issue. Why didn't you shave before you left the house?

announcer: Or shave away 5:00 shadow at the office so you'll look great in time for your date.

Daisy: If you're living in a train station and the bigger homeless people won't let you near the sink, Shave Bullet.

Dan: Shave Bullet is most famous for its nice, relaxing application.

(yelling)

announcer: Shave Bullet is the little shaver the big razor companies don't want you to know about.

Chris: The big razor companies have been driving by my house late at night. They scare my wife, they scare my kids. It's all because of what I know about the Shave Bullet.

announcer: Plus, Shave Bullet is waterproof so you can even shave under the waves.

Ted: Finally, I can shave in my neighbor's pool.

announcer: Use in the shower and get the closeness of a wet shave with the convenience of an electric.

Mike O.: Okay, gorgeous girl that's in the shower with me, relax, I'll be done in a minute. Then it's all yours.

announcer: So if you want a close, comfortable shave at an unbeatable price...

man: I do-- I-- I do.

announcer: Then call now and get the amazing Shave Bullet, a $25 value, for just $10.

Judy: Does this vibrate, too? You know what, I'll be right back.

announcer: So don't delay, order today.

narrator: And now, "Not So Smart Inventions in History."

singers: ♪ It's a new thing ♪♪ It's a fun thing ♪♪ It's the Swing Wing ♪

Kevin: Oh, so basically, it's like a toy seizure.

announcer: It's a what?

singers: ♪ It's the Swing Wing ♪♪ It's the wing ding ♪♪ A brand-new trend ♪♪ To have fun thing ♪

Mike O.: Before these kids discovered alcohol, they needed a fun way to damage their brains and the Swing Wing was it.

singers: ♪ It's the Swing Wing ♪♪

announcers: Get Swing Wing, where the fun comes from.

narrator: And that was "Not So Smart Inventions in History." Now back to our countdown.

announcer: Ladies, for years, we have been hiding all kinds of things in our bra. Now you can look and feel smart, safe and sexy when you stuff your bra with The Racktrap.

Jared: I don't know what you've been hiding in your bra, but women have clothes with pockets now.

announcer: It's an undetectable one-size-fits-all personal bra pocket that holds everyday essentials conveniently in your bra.

woman: Oh, you have a cut? Yeah, no, I have a Band-Aid somewhere really wet and warm in my bra. Let me find it.

announcer: With The Racktrap, you can skip the purse and still have your valuables within easy reach.

Mike O.: I noticed condoms are on the list of everyday items. That's presumptuous. And a little slutty.

Kevin: If you're the kind of person who would consider hiding condoms in your boobs, you're also probably the kind of person who doesn't use condoms.

woman: I've been pickpocketed a few times in my life, so with The Racktrap, it keeps everything right where it belongs.

Jaime: Life just got a little more exciting for pickpockets.

man: Now if they want to steal my valuables, they have to steal my breasts as well.

woman: On the right, I keep my cash, my credit cards, my license and on the left, you never know who you're gonna meet, so I keep my business cards.

Mark: That's real professional. How you doing? Kim Jones, attorney at law, here's my warm card.

announcer: If you wear a bra or you know somebody that does, you need The Racktrap.

Brendon: And if you're a new mother, don't forget to remove The Racktrap before breastfeeding your baby, or else it'll choke on all the condoms, Band-Aids and lipstick you have stored in there.

narrator: At number ten on our countdown...

announcer: Your cat gets bored and wants to play, but that can spell trouble when you're away. Introducing Cat's Meow, the exciting new cat toy that keeps your kitty entertained at play both night and day.

Jared: Don't you hate it when you keep an animal in your house and it still behaves like an animal? How annoying.

announcer: Just press the button and watch Cat's Meow silently attract your pet instantly. Just like a scurrying mouse, Cat's Meow swings back and forth, peeking in and out of the carousel cover.

Mike O.: This thing doesn't do anything. I mean, it's so...

announcer: Older cats can get fat and lazy and that's not healthy. With Cat's Meow, your cat is so active. You'll turn lazy kitty into crazy kitty.

Daisy: I like to give my cats a workout, really get 'em energized so they can go tear the (bleep) out of my couch.

announcer: You'll enjoy hours of fun watching your cat and mouse.

Annie: If you have that much time to watch your cat play with a toy, you probably have enough time to play with your cat.

announcer: Order your very own Cat's Meow for the special TV price of just 19.99.

Kevin: Okay, Mr. Cat, now, Daddy's gonna be back tomorrow, but you have fun playing with your new toy, okay?

cat: Meow, meow!

Kevin: Oh, no! Mr. Cat!

cat: Meow, meow.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Is your pet a peeing machine? Spraying on the carpet, couch and all over the house.

narrator: The magical invention that makes toilets obsolete. And...

woman: With these glasses I now feel more confident.

narrator: More flair, less glare. Plus...

woman: Always trust your grandma.

narrator: Old women... for sale? But first, a clue to the number-one smartest invention.

man: Hey, magical voice in my phone, how do I get to Andre's Pizza?

voice: Did you say, "Shave my foot"?

man: No-- No, why would anyone say that? Local pizza place!

voice: Hard, dry foot skin.

man: What's your angle, magical voice? What are you getting at?

voice: It's the number-one smartest invention. It uses chemicals and elbow grease to make you less disgusting.

man: Okay, now I just really want to know what you're talking about.

voice: You can, at the end of the show.

man: Oh, there's always a catch with you, isn't there?

♪♪♪♪

Jared: Hello, I'm world-famous inventor Dr. Logan Jaredson. And here's what we've learned so far. Not all tramp stamps are on the lower back.

woman: You will have nails that look like this in seconds.

woman: Love it.

Jared: Americans are disgusting.

announcer: It's better in a Bacon Bowl.

Jared: Women's lib never happened.

announcer: You need a Kookn' Kap.

Jared: And finally, one man's trash is another man's trash in a rock. And that's what we've learned so far. Now back to our countdown. Hello? Where'd everyone go?

narrator: Our number nine smartest invention.

announcer: Eyes straining at night? Struggling with glare from oncoming lights? You need visual clarity. Get it instantly with Night View NV, the glare-reduction glasses that turn fuzzy and dull into clear and bright, even at night.

Mike T.: Are your eyes straining at night? Well, then get off the road before you kill someone with normal eyes!

woman: Oh, my goodness. When I drive at night, the light coming toward me, it really bothers me. These are giving me clarity.

Katlyn: I shouldn't legally be on the road at all, but with these jazzy sunglasses, I'm ready to kill.

announcer: The secret is specially coated yellow lenses that block the blue light that causes nighttime glare.

Mike O.: What I like to do to see at night in my car is turn the headlights on.

woman: With these glasses, I now feel more confident.

Jaime: If you looked in the mirror, you might feel less confident.

announcer: Similar glasses can cost as much as $400, but during this special TV offer, you'll receive one pair of Night View NV glasses for just $10.

Katlyn: I'm not good at math, but that's, like, a savings of how dumb do you think I am?

announcer: Call or log on now.

announcer: Are you fed up with hiring domestic help who are clueless? Young girls who are more interested in texting their friends while your little ones are left unattended? It doesn't have to be that way. Rent a Grandma is here to help.

Jared: Kids, we didn't hire a babysitter we know. We rented an old woman we've never met.

announcer: Rent a Grandmas are carefully screened mature women who meet the high standards you demand for your family.

man: I can't stand it when the 17-year-old neighbor girl comes over in short shorts and just lays around my house, but thanks to Rent a Grandma, now I have an octogenarian that likes to play Candy Land.

announcer: Our friendly grandmas love to nanny, cook, clean, pet-sit and even help out with homework.

Mark: All right, I'll do my homework, then we'll do your colostomy bag, Ethel.

announcer: Just like a real grandmother, Rent a Grandmas are loving and affectionate.

Kevin: But what if I get really attached to the grandma? Is there a rent-to-own option?

announcer: With decades of experience, our grandmas are loyal, dependable and arrive on time.

Judy: Did someone call Rent a Grandma? If you wanted Mary Poppins, you should have rented the (bleep) movie.

woman: Grandma has made my life so much easier. Having her here, an extra pair of hands just helping out...

Katlyn: Sure, why not put someone who refers to cell phones as "thingamabobs" in charge of dialing 9-1-1.

woman: Always trust your grandma.

Chris: Always trust her? What if she touched me in my bathing suit area?

announcer: To reserve your own grandma, call today. Call now and receive a tin of Grandma's delicious home-baked cookies.

man: Order now. Seriously, order now. These grandmothers are dropping like flies in the warehouse.

man: Hello, Rent a Grandma? I'm interested in Gertrude, she looks horny. I mean, nice!

♪♪

narrator: And now... "The Loneliest Inventor in the World". His invention, the kissing machine.

man: If you take one device in your mouth and turn it with your tongue, the other device turns the same way. It's pretty cool.

narrator: That was the loneliest inventor in the world. Now back to our countdown. At number seven...

announcer: Is your pet a peeing machine? Spraying on the carpet, couch and all over the house, and what about that awful urine smell that never goes away? When you want it gone, there's Urine Gone, the odor and stain eliminator with amazing enzyme action.

Brad: If your house is covered in that much urine, just burn it down and start over.

announcer: Watch as we expose this hidden urine spot to a stain-revealing black light.

Kevin: Oh, good, you can use that to easily find old stains, if that's what you want to do for some reason.

announcer: Just spray it on and it's gone. Urine Gone's amazing enzymes have an appetite for urine.

man: I'm sorry, I was wondering if it's possible for me to never heard the phrase "appetite for urine" again.

woman: With Urine Gone, I just spray and the odor goes away and stays away.

Brendon: Yes, but does it work on Grandma smell?

announcer: And it's not just for pet accidents. Urine Gone knocks out odors and stains in the bathroom and helps eliminate embarrassing tough stains and smells all around the house.

Rachel: Kathy, this place is teaming with piss! Did you have a hobo convention in here?

announcer: You get the supersized bottle of Urine Gone for just $10. But wait, there's more! We'll include this black light stain detective free.

man: I'm John Rockwell, urine detective. Where were you at 2:00 a.m. last night after you had a tall glass of water at midnight? Answer the question!

announcer: Call or log on now!

♪♪

announcer: Since ancient times, mankind has been bad at saving money. We thought that maybe it's a problem due to wallets, not people. Introducing Living wallet.

Jared: In ancient times, man didn't have money. He traded crops. Did you guys research this at all?

announcer: When you try to reach it, Living wallet will automatically evade.

Malachi: It will evade every attempt at spending money you don't have with the speed of a crippled snail.

Chris: Listen, I'm sorry, I can't pay rent this month. My wallet literally ran away. (tires screeching) Oh, God, it stole my car.

announcer: If it gets caught, it will start screaming asking for help.

wallet: No, don't touch me! Help! Help me!

Jaime: I don't need my wallet to sound like a women in distress. I do that just fine on my own, thank you.

announcer: Living wallet works together with a bookkeeping app called "Zaim."

Kevin: Oh, so it's a wallet that can run away from me with my financial information. What could go wrong?

announcer: If you exceed your predetermined budget, Living wallet is also equipped to automatically call friends and family for help.

(cell phone ringing)

Rachel: Hello?

wallet: Hey, it's Billy's wallet. We got trouble.

Rachel: Just a second. It's my loser son's wallet and he's trying to buy a bong online again. Run!

wallet: Okay.

man: See what you did? You shut your mouth! You shut your stupid wallet mouth!

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Now you can safely remove those tags with no damage and no pain with the Wizor.

narrator: Cutting-edge technology. And boob implants for men. Plus...

announcer: The headset gives you perfect comfort for movies, eBooks or gaming.

narrator: A new way to get stuck on the phone, when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

♪♪

announcer: Oh, no! You ripped a hole in your brand-new shirt. Those retail store tags can be such a nuisance, but not anymore. Introducing The Wizor Wall Scissors.

Gilbert: If you call something The Wizor, I'm gonna piss on it, just out of principle.

announcer: Simply peel and stick The Wizor in your closet, your kitchen, your garage, and you'll never go searching for scissors again.

Mark: You know what I like about scissors? They're not glued to a leg of a table in the garage.

announcer: Whether it's a pair of pants, a backpack, or sporting goods, they always have those pesky retail tags.

Daisy: Take your piece of clothing, try several times to cut the tag, then use your teeth as you would normally do.

announcer: With our protective shield, The Wizor is safe and easy for kids to use.

Mike O.: Of course it's safe for kids, why wouldn't it be? It's a razorblade attached to the wall.

announcer: Order today and we'll send you not one but two Wizors for just $10.

man: I'm sorry, did you say $10 for two razorblades? Put that number on the screen before I forget which end of the phone to talk into.

announcer: New tennis racket? Wizor it. Frayed jeans. Wizor it. New decoration? Wizor it!

woman: Unwanted nipple hair? Wizor it! Boyfriend cheating on you? Wizor it!

narrator: And now, a homemade invention that sucks.

man: The Cake-O-Matic!

narrator: This is Colin. He loves cake so much that he invented a way to get it into his mouth as fast as possible.

(laughing)

(laughing)

Colin: Yes!

narrator: Better luck next time, Colin. Our number-four smartest invention comes to us from Japan. Introducing the Scentee, a new smartphone accessory that releases delicious smells into the air to make your mind think the bland food you're eating is actually a much tastier dish.

Katlyn: Move over, pesky real food. Hello, phone huffing.

announcer: Are we ready to savor this? Let's say you're a student with no money.

Malachi: A student with no money? Please. I guess that sweet hoodie bought itself.

announcer: All you need is some white rice and your stomach will feel satisfied.

commentator: Mmm!

Gilbert: So that white rice doesn't taste like white rice anymore? Yeah, and I'm Scarlett Johansson.

announcer: Now, let's say there's a couple going out on a date.

Mike T.: Let's say we kidnapped a couple and forced them to have dinner together in our research prison. I mean, restaurant.

announcer: We're pretty sure this will help bring them closer.

Kevin: Am I crazy or is this rice that smells like steak about to get me laid?

announcer: Let's say you're a woman on a diet.

Jared: Nobody eats a bowl of lettuce. That just has never-- that doesn't ever happen. That's a crazy person.

Katlyn: Hurry up and download, you stupid app. This lettuce just tastes like lettuce!

announcer: A whole new approach to food. Tasting and savoring food with your nose.

Mike O.: Or just do what I do and eat the food that you wanna eat.

announcer: Are you tired of looking skinny and scrawny? Do you long for big muscles to boost your confidence and impress the girls? Then you need Funkybod, the revolutionary new muscle top for men.

Jared: Usually, I lie to women about what I do to get them into bed. But now, thanks to the Funkybod, I can lie to them about how I look, to their faces!

announcer: Funkybod is a muscle-enhancing shirt that accentuates the pectorals, shoulders biceps and triceps. It's like a workout in a shirt!

Kevin: This is great for that person who wants that sexy "I got a bunch of tumors" look.

announcer: Worn as a normal undergarment, the Funkybod top is a great confidence booster for men. And the best part? No one will ever know you're wearing one.

Dan: No one can even tell that your muscles are fake, except everyone who knows you or has seen you recently.

Mike T.: Confession time. I've been wearing one of these on every episode. I'm actually a little chubby.

announcer: Everyone will notice your new mojo and your new physique.

Gilbert: It'll make you look like you're wearing a T-shirt that doesn't fit.

Mark: I don't get this whole thing. I'm just gonna stick to the old sock in the pants.

announcer: So get your Funkybod today and get funky.

Mike B.: The illusion is great when you're out in the street, but if you should get lucky, that's on you, dude.

woman: Should we, uh, get a little bit more comfortable?

man: Sure.

woman: Where did your pecs go?

Sean: My pecs? They're on the floor next to my shoes. Should I put 'em back on?

(door closing)

narrator: "Inventions that nobody asked for."

announcer: Tired of the same old traditional tiny hot dog? Well, now there's new Big Hot Dog. When you put tiny hot dogs on a plate, grill or other cooking device, they roll all over the place. Big Hot Dog solves all the problems inherent to tiny hot dogs. The secret is that the Big Hot Dog is sliced into patties for cooking and eating per the consumer's desire. It won't roll around on the grill and it's going to cook thoroughly and evenly every time, so next time you go to a barbecue, picnic or party, don't you wanna be the guy or gal with the Big Hot Dog? Order yours today.

narrator: That was "Inventions that Nobody Asked For." At number two on our countdown, from Germany, is a new invention called the Headflat.

Renata: My name is Renata and I'm the social web representative of Headflat.

Kevin: I don't know what she's selling, but I am interested.

announcer: The Headflat is a new technology. It is worn on top of your head and attaches to your smartphone so you can go hands-free.

man: After a while I noticed that always keeping the phone in my hand while I'm watching is not very comfortable. The Headflat gives you perfect comfort for movies, eBooks or gaming.

Ted: Finally, the ultimate goal. You don't have to do anything, ever.

announcer: With the Headflat, your smartphone looks the same as a 60-inch flat screen from a distance of only 3 meters.

Annie: Yeah, but if you're watching a movie with your girlfriend, it's gonna make it hard to make out. I'm just kidding, you don't have a girlfriend.

man: We are professionals in developing the Headflat. The controller is a very important part for our project.

Chris: So just to clarify, you've invented a hands-free device that comes with a controller you have to hold with your hands?

man: Headflat in combination with our controller is pure action and fun. You can play it everywhere like a mobile gaming console that you almost have already.

Mike O.: The most innovative thing about this commercial is that it features an Asian German. Who invented that?

man: Join us in the next level of using a smartphone. With our Headflat, we guarantee you fun and you will definitely have more than just a smartphone.

Dan: What's up with those puppets? Seriously, those two puppets just video-bombed this whole-- No one?

man: So thank you and goodbye.

Bryan: Sir, I'm not interested in your invention, because it's, uh, oh, yeah, ridiculous, but is the girl for sale?

narrator: And now, your final clue to the number-one smartest invention.

Kevin: You're in the barracuda pit. Pitch me!

Sean: Oh, boy, have I got an invention for you!

Katlyn: Can we see it?

Sean: No.

Kevin: Not a great start, buddy.

Sean: But I can tell you, it takes exfoliating to the extreme.

Mike B.: Okay, I'm intrigued.

Sean: It can even fill an entire trash can with dead skin. Really!

Katlyn: Sounds gross.

Sean: Oh, it is. But here's the best part. It uses chemicals to make your nasty feet look slightly less nasty.

Kevin: You know what? I'm in.

Mike B.: Me too.

Katlyn: This sounds like the world's number one smartest invention. When can you have it ready for us?

Sean: By the end of the show. To Mom's basement!

♪♪♪♪

narrator: And now, it's time to reveal the number-one smartest invention.

announcer: Tired of ripped pantyhose? Embarrassed by your ugly, calloused feet? You've tried everything. Nothing works. Stop. Introducing Callous Clear, the brand-new miracle callous-removing system that you can do right at home in just minutes.

Katlyn: Introducing Callous Clear, the brand-new-- (gagging) callous removing-- (gagging)

announcer: Just one simple application, your feet will feel baby soft. Look at the difference.

man: Am I looking at callouses or full-blown gangrene?

Kevin: That one was actually a lizard. No way that's not an iguana foot.

announcer: Apply the callous softener gel to the remover patch, place the patch on the calloused area and in just a few minutes, the dry, hard skin will peel right off. You won't believe your eyes.

Katlyn: Apply the flesh-eating chemicals directly to your God-forsaken feet and let the dark magic do its thing.

woman: I had a huge callous on the side of my foot and toe I could never get rid of. With Callous Clear, I was able to get rid of it quickly and easily and now, I can wear my sandals again.

Daisy: I can finally tell my boyfriend he's dating a real model. A disgusting "before" foot model.

man: For years, my wife complained about my calloused feet. I tried filing them. That didn't work. We got Callous Clear, the callouses were removed quickly and easily and I was amazed.

Brendon: My wife still won't touch me, but what are you gonna do?

announcer: Order your Callous Clear Kit, the callous softener gel, foot balm and the two-in-one scraper and file for just $10.

Chris: And if you call now, we'll throw in shoes, 'cause you've clearly never worn them.

Mike O.: Honey, you coming to bed?

Rachel: In a minute. I almost have enough to fill the duvet.

Mike O.: Oh, yum.

Sean: Oh, my God! Look right-- sorry.

Mike O.: Whoa! Oh! Sweet pickles! Oh, what is that smell? Oh, my gosh.

Sean: This is getting fun.

Mike O.: I don't know where that came from, where did that smell come from?

Sean: I have no idea.

Mike O.: Maybe that mugger brought it in. Where do smells come from? That's an interesting question. Oh, my gosh.