Worlds Smartest Inventions 11 transcript

man: All right, folks,

step right up!

I've got 20, that's right,

I said 20,

of the most amazing

one-of-a-kind inventions from the 21st century.

man: Wow, Mister! That sounds great!

man: We've got inventions for when natures calls collect!

announcer: The Whizdom, the all-in-one urination innovation.

man: Inventions that keep you from talking to Grandma!

announcer: Perfect Polly, the pet parakeet that comes to life when you enter the room.

man: And inventions to suck the crud out of your ears!

announcer: WaxVac will help your whole family keep their ears healthier.

man: Oh, boy! I'd like to buy all of those things!

man: Of course you would, my good man. But that's not all I got. I've got a fan for your hat, I got a wizard for your cake. A sound system for your corpse and a buster for your crust.

man: Wow! Please take all of my money in exchange for all of those amazing inventions.

man: If you act now, we'll throw in a cast of comedic miscreants who will leave you in stitches. All that and more.

man: Just take it! Take the money, you're so beautiful!

man: It's truTV presents "World's Smartest Inventions." The adventure begins now !

Closed Captions Provided by truTV

announcer: Everybody's thirsty for more, but sometimes it's hard to pour. Giant jugs topple with the tip and bulky bottles can slip.

Ted: Why are those awful kids allowed to touch anything in the fridge?

announcer: What you need is Magic Tap, the spillproof automatic drink dispenser. It fills every glass like magic.

man: Is your kid a spazzy, uncoordinated doofus who keeps spilling things all over the floor? Don't sell her to gypsies. Buy Magic Tap.

announcer: Magic Tap fits right over your containers, jugs and bottles. Watch, just insert it into your drink container, press and Magic Tap does the rest! Now the kids can get their own morning OJ and pour milk in their cereal, all without a single spill.

Jaime: How are kids supposed to learn not to cry over spilled milk if they never spill the milk?

Brendon: If you read between the lines, the message on why you need this Magic Tap is because kids and old people suck.

announcer: Lifting heavy drink containers can be a pain, but not with Magic Tap. Enjoy your iced tea pain free or have fresh water right at your fingertips. Get your Magic Tap spillproof automatic drink dispenser for just 19.99.

Daisy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. But we still make the kids and the elderly haul in the drink containers from the car, right? 'Cause I'm not doing that bull (bleep).

announcer: Magic Tap, the spillproof automatic drink dispenser.

commentator: Oh!

man: I am here for the Magic Tap audition. Oh, just-- Just pick up the milk? Okay, yeah. Ow! God, it's heavy! Pour it? No! Ow! Ow!

announcer: The future of interpersonal communication is here. Robotic Rings, the robot you can wear on your fingers.

Jared: Turns out you can use the term "robot" very loosely.

announcer: Simple controls move the eyes and mouth to help you show emotion and communicate, play, act, even flirt.

Dan: Robot Rings come in super handy when you're on a first date and you don't want a second one.

Masayasu: The robot serves as a device for enhancing the animal-like imitative ways that people use their hands. Like when children or their parents play finger games.

Brendon: Parents playing finger games? That's more of an uncle thing, isn't it?

announcer: Interact with people in a new and exciting way.

Daisy: It helps you to communicate when what you're trying to communicate is, "Look out, I'm a crazy weirdo!"

Chris: Ladies, my eyes are down here. Ha ha, made you look.

announcer: Robotic Rings. The eyes are the window to the soul.

Ted: I love a judgmental eye glaring at me when I steal or masturbate.

announcer: Robotic Rings. The future is in your hands.

Mike: Japan, I'm only gonna say this one more time. Knock it off with the creepy (bleep).

narrator: And now, "Not So Smart Inventions In History." The parachute jacket.

commentator: All right, then, let's give it a whirl, shall we? Oh, God!

narrator: And that was "Not So Smart Inventions in History."

announcer: You love that low-cut top for going out at night, but in the office, it's just not right. You've tried safety pins, but they leave holes and just look wrong. And with a camisole, you end up tugging and adjusting all day long.

Daisy: They found the most nondescript, every woman girl-next-door with the biggest boobs I've ever seen.

announcer: Well, now there's Cami Secret.

Brendon: Or as I like to call it, the anti-fun cloak.

announcer: The new fashion accessory that looks just like a camisole, but watch closely, because here's the real secret.

Mike O.: Here's the secret. It's a restaurant dinner napkin!

announcer: It's designed to attach quickly and easily, right to your bra straps. You can even adjust your Cami Secret up or down, so you can decide just how much cleavage you'll show.

woman: Girls, you no longer need to spend countless hours wondering how much "tittage" to display. Position one, or invisi-rack, is perfect for nuns, generals or whorey women on trial for murder. Position two is good for that gal that's been freshly fired and trying to flirt that job right back. Position three is not for beginners. You're really flaunting those sweater puppies and men are gonna need time to process this.

announcer: Self conscious about wrap tops that come open and leave you exposed? With Cami Secret, you can enjoy wearing all your clothes.

Chris: Who told you to cover your boobs? Was it Henderson? Oh, that son of a bitch. Henderson, you're fired!

announcer: Cami Secret attaches to your bra so you can wear all your favorite tops without ruining them, perfect for controlling neck lines on delicate dresses or adding a touch of color to any top.

Amanda: I don't think this is gonna work for me.

announcer: Call now and get your Cami Secret for just $10.

Jared: And ladies, don't forget. I'll buy your used Cami Secrets just for smelling.

announcer: Call right now and we'll double the offer and give you three more Cami Secrets for free, so call or go online now.

Daisy: How about not wearing slutty shirts all day, huh? That's Daisy's secret.

narrator: Coming up... A germ of an idea. Plus, alone has never been so much fun.

voice: Relax. I am here for you. Everything is all right.

narrator: But first, our chairman traces the origins of the number-one smartest invention.

man: There were three things we knew that it had to do. One, it had to involve robots. Two, it had to involve feathers. And three, it had to delight the elderly. Robots, feathers, stinky old people. Some call it perfect. You'll call it the number-one smartest invention.

(applause)

narrator: See it for yourself later in the show.

announcer: Remember the last time you used a public restroom?

commentator: What's up, ladies?

announcer: Does the thought of germs and sitting on a dirty toilet make you cringe?

Brendon: Whoever just came out of that bathroom needs to see a doctor, stat.

announcer: Introducing Potty Pax, the portable toilet seat cover and toiletry system that prevents your skin and clothing from touching the toilet seat and bowl when using a public restroom.

Brad: Finally, a barber's apron I can poop through.

announcer: Simply place the Potty Pax seat cover right on top of the toilet seat and when you're done, just wipe clean, fold it up and go.

Ted: This is perfect for me, 'cause I like to bring home a little bit of the vile excrement I find on public toilet seats.

man: Hey, what's that thing? A Potty Pax? Awesome.

man: Yeah, hear that, everyone? We're going in the lady's purse!

man: I'm gonna get on her keys and her make-up!

announcer: Then just throw it in the machine when you get home.

Mike T.: Which machine? The time machine to go back before it had piss and (bleep) all over it?

woman: You got it-- Leave it in the car, it's a great idea.

Mike B.: Sure, leave that in the car. Who doesn't want their car to smell like a public bathroom?

man: Potty Pax is genius.

boy: Potty Pax is amazing.

all: Potty Pax to the max!

Kevin: I'll bet a billion dollars that not one of those people they talked to in the park knew what a Potty Pax was.

announcer: So the next time you have to use a public restroom, protect your potty with the Potty Pax! Hurry, order now.

Bryan: You know what? I think I'd rather hover.

man: Final round. Please spell "Krustbuster."

girl: C-R-U--

(bell)

man: Spell "Krustbuster."

boy: C--

(bell)

man: "Krustbuster."

girl: What's a Krustbuster?

man: ♪ Sandwich in a pocket ♪♪ You can make it yourself ♪♪ Peanut butter jam ♪♪ Even cheese from your shelf ♪

Jared: Oh. Nothing sells a product better than white people rapping.

man: ♪ Seal in all your ♪♪ Gooey treats ♪♪ No sharp edges ♪♪ Makes it fun to eat ♪

Ted: Can somebody spell "stranger danger"?

man: ♪ So step up kids ♪♪ Mom and Dad ♪♪ Something this fun ♪♪ Just can't be bad ♪

Mike O.: So it's just a crust remover?

man: ♪ Don't go bust ♪♪ Remove that crust ♪♪ Krustbuster! ♪♪

Mike B.: Krustbuster? I ain't afraid of no toast.

girl: What's a Krustbuster?

Sean: Sounds like a cream you put on an STD.

Chris: I thought the Krustbuster was for uncircumcised men.

girl: K-R-U-S-T-B-U-S-T-E-R. Krustbuster!

Jaime: I invented a crust buster, too. It's called a knife.

Kevin: But what happens to all the crusts?

man: Children! Children, come quick! The American food has arrived! Crust?

narrator: And now, "Good Intention, Bad Invention." The drink-pouring robot.

commentator: Okay, press here and... Watch, it pours the beer, see? Hang on. Oh, okay, uh... Oh! Oh, robot!

narrator: And that was "Good Intention, Bad Invention."

woman: Thanks to advanced rejuvenation technology in today's market, the need for Botox, fillers and facelift have become a top attraction for doctors and plastic surgeons around the globe. My name is Kelly Crosby Heyniger.

Mike B.: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hi who?

Kelly: Kelly Crosby Heyniger. I am 41 years old. I am a former actress and model and my looks have always been important to me.

Mike T.: We get it, you're still doable in your 40s. Show us the thing!

Kelly: I have invented a fun and simple way to take years away from my face. It's a temporary face lift band called "the age reverser," and it works.

Gilbert: Who knew the secret to eternal youth was a rubber band?

Kelly: First, pinch a small section of your hair at your hairline just above your ear. Give a slight tug backwards to see if this is the correct section to slightly lift your eyes and forehead.

Daisy: Now I can finally stop wasting time deciding what facial expressions to make.

Kelly: Clip one side of the band into the front of the twist above the left ear. Now wrap the elastic clear band around the back of the head and all the way around to the other ear.

Brendon: I don't know if this thing's reversing her age, but it's definitely reversing my boner.

Kelly: Reach around to the back of your hair and adjust the bands so that they are snug and comfortable.

John: Enough already, just get the facelift, huh?

Kelly: Remember, practice makes perfect and it may take you a couple of tries to accomplish a perfect placement. The lift is so subtle that only you will know the secret.

Jared: It's almost like it has no discernible effect at all.

Kelly: Get your age reverser today.

Chris: For those ladies that want to look a little bit weirder. I'm sorry, younger. No, I was right, you look weird.

girl: There's nothing to eat.

boy: I'm bored.

girl: I want something sweet.

announcer: How about ice cream? Introducing Ice Cream Magic, the cool new shaker that's an ice cream maker. Now you can make delicious homemade ice cream in three minutes.

The Greg: Three minutes? That's like eight days in kid time.

announcer: Ice Cream Magic is quick and easy. Watch. First add some ice cubes in the cone. Then a little salt to activate the deep freeze. Next, pop in the bowl. Then pour in the cream and your favorite flavor.

Jaime: Finally, it's ice cream, but way more complicated.

announcer: It's also a fun way to serve any ice cream. And you can add your own toppings.

commentator: Yes!

Jared: In fact, you pretty much have to add everything. All we give you is a ice cream cone-shaped thermos.

announcer: Shaking is fun for everyone. Shake it to make it at a kid's birthday party.

all: We made ice cream!

Ted: There's nothing kids love more than working for a snack.

announcer: Get your Ice Cream Magic ice cream shaker for 14.99. And when you call, we'll double your order!

Bryan: Or I could just buy ice cream.

announcer: It's Ice Cream Magic.

Brendon: All right, here we go, and it's ready. Who wants some? Where'd everybody go?

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Pull down your pants, lean back into the strap and do your business.

commentator: Hi. What's up?

narrator: Plus...

announcer: The secret is in the shaft.

narrator: So what is the secret? Stay tuned to find out. But first...

man: The number-one smartest invention is almost complete! It just needs one part parakeet, two parts robotics and one drop of dementia. Why is nothing happening?

narrator: Stay tuned for the number-one smartest invention.

Marc: Hi, Marc Gill here for Stream Clean, the standup way to blast pet stains and odors away, no bending and no scrubbing! The secret is Stream Clean's Bio-enzymatic formula that seeks out and destroys the odor and stain so nothing remains!

Brad: "Bio-enzymatic" is science talk for baking soda and Windex mixed together.

Marc: Poopy paws on the floor? Stream Clean gets out the stain and stink like it was never there!

Amanda: If your dog craps in the house that much, you should get a new dog.

Marc: Look at that! In a matter of seconds, that stain is gone.

Judy: Where the hell did the stains go?

man: Where did the stains go? What are you, a (bleep) cop? Steam Clean!

Marc: Just give it the Stream to deodorize and clean. Even those spills and stains we don't like to talk about.

Mike T.: You love to talk about them, Marc Gill! You talked about little else!

Marc: And it's not just for pet stains. Spill red wine? Just Stream Clean it! Dump coffee or tea? Just Stream Clean it!

man: It also eliminates tears, secrets, evidence and hooker blood!

Marc: Call now and we'll send enough Stream Clean to clean a house full of stains and odors for just $10.

Daisy: As the mother of three teenage sons, Steam Clean has been a lifesaver. Let's just say my carpets thank me. And the curtains. And the bed sheets, gym socks, walls, all of my towels. My boys have been busy.

Marc: Call or log on now!

man: Stream Clean!

Laura: Hi there. My name is Laura Stude and I'm the inventor of the Loop N' Poop. It's a patent-pending device that reduces thigh strain and makes it easier and more sanitary to go to the bathroom in the woods.

Brendon: Uh, here's a tip: Stay inside, dummy! That's where we keep all the toilets.

Laura: It helps you lessen the chance of messin' your pants. A few years ago, I got fed up with the discomfort and the disgustingness associated with squatting in the outdoors.

woman: Come on, you fat (bleep), you can't do a squat?

Laura: I discovered that the restroom situation is one of people's biggest deterrents to participating in outdoor activities. Is there a restroom on this map?

Chris: Of course you can't find the restroom. Your map was made by a toddler.

Laura: To use, you simply wrap the Loop N' Poop around your waist on a tree that will support your weight.

Ted: This even works if you strap it to a stout buddy.

Laura: Clasp the carabineer to the loop on the open end. Adjust the strap size as necessary.

Jared: I gotta do all this and hold my poop in? I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen.

Laura: Then pull down your pants, lean back into the strap and do your business.

commentator: Hi! What's up?

Gilbert: Hey, where you going, lady! Stop!

Laura: For the past year, I've been working with engineers to improve its durability and versatility.

John: Really? How many engineers did it take to come up with this?

Laura: Additional uses for the Loop N' Poop include securing other gear, hanging food out of the reach of hungry bears and even leashing your dog.

Dan: Another additional use for the Loop N' Poop is hanging yourself with the Loop N' Poop for buying the Loop N' Poop.

Laura: Thanks for your support and don't forget to tell your friends.

narrator: And now it's time for a particularly pointless invention. The candy sorting machine. Now back to the countdown.

announcer: When it comes time to leave the burden of life behind, no one should have to be alone. But your hectic life makes it impossible to be everywhere, even when a loved one is nearing the end. Now there's the End of Life Care Machine, the robot specially designed to be there when you can't.

voice: Relax. I am here for you. Everything is alright.

Bryan: For that family member that you care about just a little too much to ignore completely while they die.

Jaime: There is nothing more comforting than being given a slow-motion Indian burn.

voice: I am sorry that your family and friends can't be with you right now. But, don't be afraid. I am here to comfort you.

Chris: Ah, the soothing final sounds of that automated customer service voice.

voice: Your family and friends love you very much.

Billy: The End of Life Care Machine seems way too sentimental and touchy-feely for me.

announcer: While you deal with the everyday obstacles life throws your way, you can be at ease knowing that the End of Life Care Machine is there for your loved one.

Judy: How about if they made one of these that actually said the truth?

voice: I'm sorry your husband couldn't be there, but that's what you get when you die during March Madness. Knock-knock. Who's dying? You. Joke complete.

announcer: The End of Life Care Machine, because when you can't be there, it can.

voice: Spoiler alert. You die at the end of this sentence.

narrator: And now, let's see what some old folks thought of that.

announcer: You can be at ease knowing that the End of Life Care Machine is there for your loved one.

man: Oh, my God. Come on.

voice: I am here for you. Everything is all right.

woman: That's ridiculous.

man: This is awful here. That's awful.

voice: I'm sorry that your family and friends can't be with you right now.

man: That's bad, bad, bad.

woman: Oh, this is ridiculous.

man: Where do they get this stuff?

narrator: And that's what the old folks said.

woman: Beautiful buns are back in a big way, but styling them yourself can take all day. Hi, I'm Taylor Baldwin and you're gonna love Hot Buns. It's the simple styling solution that gives your multiple glamorous dos anyone can do.

woman: Honestly, my buns have never looked this good.

Taylor: Just roll, snap and wrap.

Chris: First fake boobs and now this? I don't know what to believe anymore. What's real?

Taylor: You'll have the best buns around.

woman: It goes in fast and easy. It feels good.

Jared: Caution, this product contains dangerous amounts of innuendo.

Taylor: The secret is in the shaft.

Mike O.: The secret flows through the shaft, but it originates in the balls. I've never heard it called "the secret" before.

Taylor: Its cutting-edge patent-pending design grips hair so it's easy to roll, creating the perfect bun. Just roll, snap and wrap.

Judy: Guys love putting their hands through your hair and feeling a foam dildo.

Taylor: With Hot Buns, your buns won't budge no matter what you do. You'll flip over Hot Buns.

woman: I got big buns and I like it!

Jaime: I hate the way my buns look, mostly because of all the scraggly loose hairs. Oh, oh, no, I'm talking about my butt.

Taylor: Hot Buns is the beauty find you won't find anywhere else. To get your own set of Hot Buns, order now for only $10.

Ted: My girlfriend's always saying, how can I look like a Ukrainian mob wife for under 14 bucks?

Chris: Guys can use it, too. Makes my penis look long and bumpy, just like the girls like it.

Taylor: And get creative. Beautiful buns in under a minute.

The Greg: There's so many different looks, the ballerina, the Princess Leia, the other ballerina.

Taylor: Flat buns? Saggy, loose buns? Ladies, it's time to get some...

all: Hot Buns!

Daisy: This is what happens when you invent something just based on a decent pun. You make millions.

all: Hot Buns!

narrator: Coming up... Sound advice from your doctor.

man: You should start icing your balls.

Mike B.: Whoa, I'm sorry. What did he just say?

narrator: Plus, an invention that really sucks. When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

narrator: And now, Chris Fairbanks with "What We've Learned So Far."

Chris: Dumping in the woods has never been easier.

Laura: Pull down your pants, lean back into the strap and do your business.

Chris: Crust better watch its ass.

man: ♪ Don't go bust ♪♪ Remove that crust! ♪♪

Chris: Nobody likes to see boobs.

announcer: It's designed to attach right to your bra straps.

Chris: And kids can't do anything.

commentator: Oh!

narrator: That was "What We've Learned So Far."

man: After a series of unsuccessful and horribly expensive fertility treatments, our doctors had told us that we would not be having a baby. Finally, one took the time to sit down with us and almost immediately, he had a new plan.

man: You should start icing your balls.

Mike B.: Whoa, I'm sorry, what did he just say?

man: You should start icing your balls.

Jared: No wonder this guy had to see a lot of doctors. The doctors he goes to use technical terms like "ice your balls."

man: Research has shown that the testes of men with fertility problems tend to be naturally warmer by an average of over 1 degree Celsius.

Mike O.: If I heat my underpants every day, can I have raw sex without worrying about getting someone pregnant?

man: My doctor advised me to ice for up to two hours a day so I began to ice my balls.

John: You know, I've done that, too, but not to make babies. I just like to see people drink with ice that I had on my balls.

man: I figured there had to be a way to build a pair of underwear specifically designed to keep you cool, dry and maximally fertile. The result is Snowballs, cooling underwear for conceiving men.

Jaime: And just like real snowballs, they're super fun to throw in someone's face. Those were on balls.

man: It was important to us that Snowballs be designed as close to nature as possible. This is a well-built pair of underwear.

Rachel: I like guys in tighty whiteys, and with cold balls.

man: Snowballs are inexpensive and they can help you maximize your chances of fatherhood.

Dan: Or you could just let a real man (bleep) your wife.

woman: Snowballs.

man: Yeah, Snowballs.

narrator: And now, "Hillbilly Inventions Gone Wrong."

commentator: Damn!

narrator: Tucker puts the finishing touches on his homemade potato gun.

commentator: We're gonna see how-- Oh, shoot!

man: You okay?

commentator: Tucker! Oh, damn, you all right? Right in the eye, oh, shoot, Tucker, you okay?

narrator: And that was "Hillbilly Inventions Gone Wrong."

announcer: You love to spend time outdoors, but the sun can be so brutal. Don't let that punishing heat ruin your day or your shirt.

commentator: Oh!

announcer: Stay cool and dry with Solarrific, the hat with the incredible solar-powered fan that makes being outside a breeze.

Chris: Are you that one percent of the community that feels comfortable in a fanny pack or flip-up sunglasses? Well, I have the hat for you.

man: I can stay outside all day and thanks to Solarrific, I'm as cool as a cucumber.

Mike T.: Harness the power of the sun to make you un-(bleep)-able

announcer: Solarrific is perfect for baseball games, picnics or any outdoor activity.

Rachel: Honey, I want to go to that picnic, but I want to make sure I look like a dickhead. Can you get me my Solarrific cooling cap?

woman: No more greasy suntan lotion. I just pop on my Solarrific and I'm ready to go.

man: Being in the sun used to make me hot and tired. But now, I feel Solarrific.

Ted: The inventors seem to think that this is somehow less embarrassing than a little head sweat.

announcer: Act now and get your Solarrific hat for the amazing low price of just 19.99.

Jared: Does it have to say "Solarrific" on it? Can I get one that says "Yankees" or "no fat chicks"?

announcer: Have a Solarrific day-- Order now.

Gilbert: Do they make pants like this? 'Cause then you've got my attention.

announcer: Everybody loves a birthday party. But wait! That cake could be ruined with a mist of saliva carrying viruses and germs. Now you can stop the chance of a virus spreading at your next birthday party using the Cake Wizard.

Ted: This is a great way to say, "happy birthday, you're disgusting."

announcer: Just look at it work. Protect your family and friends using the Cake Wizard, good for all ages, but especially kids.

Brad: In fairness, children are like little, talking Petri dishes.

announcer: The Cake Wizard is designed for easy use and maximum air flow, allowing a person to blow out the candles while stopping any liquids from the breath stream.

John: Why is there a diagram? Are people actually having trouble figuring this out?

Mike O.: Whatever you do, do not inhale when you have the Cake Wizard in your mouth. The fire will go right into your lungs and just cook your insides.

announcer: It has a special microfiber filter inside which eliminates any spray of saliva. Just look at it work.

Daisy: What's it made out of? Hint, it's a kazoo.

announcer: The Cake Wizard, a great idea for improving an old-fashioned tradition.

Jared: If you're this worried about germs, why are you having a party? Just lock yourself in a panic room with some Purell.

narrator: Inventions that nobody asked for. Introducing the stun sword, the personal protection of a stun gun combined with the deadliness of a sword, together for the first time. Not available in stores.

man: This is K, dreaming away with his Ostrich Pillow. Hi. We're Studio KG and we created the Ostrich Pillow. Perfect companion to nap pretty much anywhere. All you have to do is find a place to nap, slip on the Ostrich Pillow and you're set to go.

Mike O.: While bystanders Instagram the (bleep) in the ball sack pillow.

Brendon: To relax, I like to pop the Ostrich Pillow on my head and just hang out at roadside men's rooms.

man: ... be it for an express power nap at work or for a good snooze on a long distance trip.

Jared: I only see one problem. You're not supposed to nap at work!

Dan: The Ostrich Pillow sends two distinct messages to your coworkers. You're lonely and insane.

man: Did you know that power napping increases productivity by 34%?

Mike T.: Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting a pie chart? Get with the times, Grandpa! Cake charts now!

Mike B.: Do you know that wearing this increases the chance of you getting your ass kicked by 100%?

man: We spend so much time at work in front of a screen and we thought, why not create something that helps us nap, disconnect and dream?

Jared: I can feel my productivity increasing!

man: We wanted to share this dream with you. Thank you for supporting it.

man: Ostrich Pillow, 'cause our first name "Depression Helmet" didn't work out.

narrator: Coming up... Music worth dying for. Plus...

commentator: Oh, yeah...

narrator: When you gotta go.. all over your shoes. But first...

Rachel: Tonight, it's a whimsical item in your home, a source of fun and pleasure, but could the number-one smartest invention be slowly driving you insane? Could it even kill you in your sleep? We'll have that and more fear mongering for you later in the show. But first, a word from our sponsors.

announcer: It's a problem as old as love itself. You're intimate with your partner, but he never wants to stay and cuddle afterwards.

commentator: All right, see you later!

announcer: It's commonly known as post-coital intimacy aversion and it affects thousands of men.

Mike B.: Somebody came up with a term for me not wanting to snuggle with your ass?

John: This isn't a hot girl problem.

announcer: But now there's a solution. It's the My After Sex Buddy, and it's the perfect post-coital companion.

Amanda: So it's a tiny pillow with underpants.

Brendon: Personally, I'm a big fan of the before sex buddy.

announcer: When it comes to snuggling the My After Sex Buddy never finishes before you do.

Ted: And they're reversible. My wife (bleep) her cuddle buddy and snuggles with me.

announcer: The My After Sex Buddy is ultra soft, built to last and machine washable.

Jaime: Plus, My After Sex Buddy is great at absorbing tears.

announcer: Order now and get your My After Sex Buddy for the low price of just 19.99.

Chris: Or just draw a face on a pillow and save on shipping and handling.

announcer: The My After Sex Buddy, for those moments when the moment is over.

Jared: Hey, do they make a "listen to her work stories" buddy? Because I would buy that.

narrator: And now, "Why Didn't I Think of That?"

commentator: Okay, so I have a auto body shop and I was thinking, well, what if you have to parallel park and you don't know how to do it? Well, guess what? Now you don't have to worry because-- Now, look what I did here. We take a wheel, we put it in the back of the car and he lifts up the back of the car and then he just drives it in like-- See, yeah, see? Like that. And then, perfect fit. There, parallel parking without parallel parking. It's perfect, no? Yeah, yeah.

narrator: That was "Why Didn't I Think of That?" Now back to the countdown.

announcer: We've all been there. Stuck outside when nature calls. And going where you shouldn't can get you in some serious trouble. What's a guy to do? Introducing the Whizdom, the all-in-one urination innovation.

Judy: Do we really need to make peeing even more convenient for men?

announcer: The Whizdom is a long latex tube. One end goes, you know where. And the other end comes out the bottom of your pants.

commentator: All right!

Daisy: Oh, yay, wiener funnel!

Gilbert: I only need one product to help me pee down my leg and it's called booze.

announcer: That's it! You're ready to share your whizdom with the world.

commentator: Aw, yeah. Yep.

announcer: Now all you have to do is follow your body's natural urges. The Whizdom does the rest.

Chris: Yeah, just like that. You ignore what it means to live in a civilized society.

Sean: I came up with an idea like this once. It's called leftover McDonald's cup in my mom's car during traffic.

announcer: Use the Whizdom while tailgating, at a music festival, camping or anywhere you happen to be.

Mike T.: From now on, ladies, just assume that men are constantly peeing at all times.

announcer: Best of all, no one has to know.

Jared: Probably don't want to be wearing flip-flops when you use Whizdom.

announcer: The next time you need to be free to pee, have some Whizdom. Available online now.

Jaime: Great job, men. The world is your toilet.

narrator: Bonus invention!

R.J.: As a professional golfer and instructor, I always have to maintain a neat and professional appearance. But one day, I got really frustrated because I was constantly fidgeting and tucking in my shirt tail. I realized something has to be done. So I created Tail Tux, an original one-piece shirt designed exclusively for men.

Billy: The Tail Tux, or as my kids would call it, a Onesie.

R.J.: For numerous prototypes, I designed a line of fashion-forward stylish and masculine Tail Tux polo shirt.

Brad: 'Cause nothing says stylish and masculine like snap crotch!

R.J.: I can get in and out of a golf cart. I can even bend over and read a putt. And you never have to worry about your shirt tail again.

Sean: But you do have to worry about your friends mercilessly making fun of you.

R.J.: The amazing part is Tail Tux works for most sports and all kinds of activities in life. I'm so tired of hearing, "You can't afford to make it in America. "Well, I'm gonna make Tail Tux in America and I'm gonna create jobs at the same time.

Daisy: Hell yeah! So take that, China, while you're off making everything else. We're making Onesies for adults. We're back!

R.J.: I found a local clothing manufacturer in Southern California with a history in the textile business for over 100 years and they have the capability to produce and even expand Tail Tux line.

Rachel: Hi, this is Kathy from that small Southern California-based company. I don't know if you got any mixed messages when we spoke, but never contact us again.

R.J.: My pledge reach goals would be to continue to expand the line with a crew neck t-shirt, a button-down shirt and a shirt for incontinence for guys like my father.

Mike B.: Your dad told you about his incontinence in confidence.

R.J.: Our goal is to create the highest-quality product for the lowest possible price and a premium fit. Help me create a new market and think how Tail Tux fits into your life.

Ted: Tail Tux, because our shirts don't smell enough like poop.

announcer: Do you believe in music? Do you believe that a beautiful melody can reach beyond our lifetime?

Dan: Is this a dumb question competition?

announcer: You and your loved ones shared a passion for music, but now they're gone. Now you can enjoy that music with your dearly departed for all eternity with the Catacombo Sound System, a revolutionary sound system for audiophiles on the other side.

Jared: Is this a stereo for a dead body?

announcer: The Catacombo coffin employs a pair of two-way speakers, tweeters and a divine eight-inch subwoofer.

Kevin: Question, does it come with the world's sexiest funeral director?

Brad: Now, is modeling a coffin the step before or after porn?

announcer: The Catatomb music server features a seven-inch display always showing what song is playing six feet under.

Sean: Seriously? "Knockin' On Heaven's Door"? How hack is that?

announcer: Our monthly payment plans make purchasing a Catacombo as easy as playing your favorite song.

Rachel: I couldn't afford the Catacombo, but I still wanted to rock out with my dead grandma, so I got the Cremate. One ear bud goes in the urn and the other one goes in my ear, so now we can listen to Lil Wayne together.

announcer: The Catacombo sound system. Life after death entertainment.

narrator: And now for a homemade invention that sucks. A perfect ponytail maker.

announcer: We all know we shouldn't use cotton swabs to clean or dry our ears. They even warn us, but we do it anyway.

man: Ow!

Daisy: Are you a man who has no control over your possessed arm?

Gilbert: Ow! You son of a bitch!

announcer: Introducing WaxVac, the safe and effective way to clean and dry your ears. WaxVac gently draws dirt particles and moisture out of the air rather than pushing it in.

Ted: Gets rid of wax and those pesky childhood memories.

Chris: I've been using WaxVac for three months and I have no idea who I am or what I was.

announcer: Doctors everywhere warn against using cotton swabs to clean your ears.

Kenneth: Don't use a cotton swab in your ear because it can cause significant damage.

Kevin: Thanks for really selling it, doctor.

announcer: Every WaxVac comes with eight soft color-coded silicone tips for every member of the family.

Jared: Okay, family meeting. I think it's time for us each to pick our WaxVac tip color. Oh, I'm OCD?

announcer: But wait, there's more! Call now and we'll double the offer. You get two WaxVacs for only $10.

Sean: Of course. What $10 ear vacuum wouldn't be perfectly safe?

announcer: WaxVac is the gentle, safe and effective way to clean and dry your ears.

Dan: Or you can just do what I do and that's never clean your ears. I'm sorry, what was that?

Chris: Ah, you're just in time, 005. I've invented a gadget for your upcoming mission. Dare I say, it is my number-one smartest invention. Here, take a look.

Mike O.: Is it some sort of aerial surveillance drone? Why does the head keep jerking around like that? And does it have to make that blasted chirping sound?

Chris: I've still got to work out some of the kinks, but you'll find out soon enough.

Mike O.: I look forward to it.

narrator: The number-one smartest invention next.

man: Wheel!

Mike T.: (blowing raspberry) Number-one clip!

girl: Grandma, you have a pet?

woman: It's my singing parakeet.

announcer: Introducing Perfect Polly, the pet parakeet that comes to life when you enter the room.

Chris: Do you love birds but hate that they're alive?

announcer: Perfect Polly, when you come near, she starts to move and sing. This life size replica mimics the sounds and movements of a real parakeet in the wild.

Gilbert: And best of all...... it craps batteries.

announcer: By the window or on the shelf, with your Perfect Polly, you're never by yourself.

Brendon: The only people who are bigger weirdos than actual bird owners are robot bird owners.

announcer: So lifelike you won't believe your eyes.

Kevin: I think by "so lifelike," they mean "not lifelike." It's very confusing.

announcer: Her cheerful, lilting song keeps you company all day long. Everyone loves Perfect Polly.

Daisy: From young whites to old whites.

announcer: Get your Perfect Polly today for only 14.99.

Sean: 15 bucks? You know how much real birds are? Free. Just grab one, they're everywhere.

announcer: But wait! Call right now and you can double you order. That's a pair of Perfect Pollys for 14.99.

Mike O.: Two of 'em? Screw you.

announcer: It's the perfect pet for someone special you know.

Jared: Perfect Polly. Available at the sad old lady emporium.

announcer: Get your Perfect Polly today.

Jared: Oh, that's-- Oh no.

Sean: Yay!

Mike O.: No, no, no!

Brendon: Squirt my doody in someone's mouth.

Mike T.: What?

Daisy: Oh, oh!

Brad: Ow!

Amanda: This doubles as a sex toy, right?