World's Smartest Inventions 3 transcript

narrator:Tonight...

announcer: Here's Johnny-Light,

the night-light for your toilet.

narrator: ... 20 revolutionary products that will change your life forever.

announcer: The elegant goblet that holds an entire bottle of wine.

woman: Where has this been all my life ?

narrator: Innovations for the kitchen.

announcer: The RoboStir, it stirs so you don't have to.

narrator: Inventions in the bathroom.

announcer: It's Talking TP.

man: Oh, want a receipt for that deposit there ?

(woman laughing)

narrator: And even advancements in the bedroom.

announcer: Introducing Dreamhelmet: part sleep mask, part pillow.

man: Get it off, get it off !

narrator: Items you never knew you wanted...

announcer: Introducing Daddle, the saddle for dads.

(man neighing)

narrator: ... or needed.

announcer: With a FAST Holster, you can mount a gun just about anywhere.

man: But will it hold my uzi ?

narrator: Just listen to what these satisfied celebrity customers have to say.

(Todd mumbling)

Tonya: That's a good idea.

narrator: It's "The Smoking Gun"Presents: The World's Smartest Inventions." Order now.

(commentator groaning)

Closed Captions Provided by truTV

announcer: Gorgeous top, but which bra will you wear ? Too many straps. That one gives you bulges and this one lets you down. Introducing BareLifts, the world's first instant invisible solution for perfect shape and support.

Jaime: What is this magical product ?

announcer: Unlike uncomfortable push-up bras, BareLifts lift from above for a more natural look, so you defy gravity without surgery.

Jaime: Oh, it's-- it's tape.

Leif: Simple solution to droopy breasts.

Bryan: BareLifts, yuck. Those are for poor girls who can't afford fake boobies.

announcer: BareLifts make you look fantastic in everything you wear, whether you're cup size "A," "B," "C," even "D."

Mike: Yeah, works with "D" cups. I'll believe it when I see it.

Loni: I need more than a lift. I need a crane.

Nick: Do they make these for testicles ? 'Cause in another two years, I'm not gonna have to shine my own shoes.

announcer: Simply place, peel and gently lift to shape and support for a measurable difference.

Todd: Oh, look at that ! It's crooked !

man: This boob is 17. This one is about 40.

Billy: Wanted: actress for infomercial. Must have extremely droopy breasts.

announcer: Wear with your bra for even more lift.

Kevin: Like I always say, you can never have too much stuff on your tits.

woman: Thanks to BareLifts, I can stop doing this.

woman: You know, I love BareLifts. I know you can't tell, but I'm wearing them right now.

announcer: BareLifts' pain-free adhesive gives you invisible support all day.

Chuck: Now, after that, it's hello "Flopsville."

announcer: Call right now and we'll cut the price in half, but we're not done ! We're going to give you double the lifts.

Chelsea: Please, take these lifts. We'll give them to you, where do you live ? We need to move these titty lifts.

announcer: A $40-value for just $10. Call now.

Ted: I've been telling any women who'll listen to duct-tape sensitive parts of their bodies.

announcer: We all love our dogs, but there are times you just wish you could turn off their barking. Well, now you can with BarkOff, the ingenious ultrasonic training aid that finally gives you control over your dog's barking.

Kevin: Hey, would you like to electronically brainwash your dog ? We thought so.

Brad: You could also just get a cat... (cat meowing) ... instead.

announcer: When you'd prefer that your dog didn't bark, simply switch on the BarkOff, and when your dog does bark, it sets off an ultrasonic signal that's inaudible to human ears but instantly captures your dog's attention.

John: What people don't know is what actually the dogs hear and it sounds a little bit like this: Shut the (bleep) up, you stupid mother (bleep) dog !

Chuck: Just stop it ! I swear, I won't-- I won't bark anymore, just stop it, please.

announcer: You can place BarkOff in any room in your house or even outside so you can enjoy peace and quiet and the company of your dog.

Nick: I want to get one of these for my wife. I'm trying to watch the ball game-- yappity-yappity-yapp--

commentator: Ah !

announcer: BarkOff teaches your dog the difference between nuisance barking and barking that protects.

Kevin: I bet when you talk, a lot of people think, "Oh, that's nuisance talking right there," but no one electronically tries to shut you up.

Daisy: That dog is trying to warn you about the man sneaking into your living room.

Todd: Shut the hell up !

Tonya: Enough is enough !

Todd: Stop barking !

Tonya: Ahh!

announcer: The amazing BarkOff gives you control over when your dog barks, so he can enjoy being part of the family again.

Kevin: Are they saying that the dog barked and then they kicked it out of the family ? Someone needs to adopt this dog... fast.

announcer: Now you can finally take control with the pet-friendly BarkOff for just two payments of $10. But you have to call now.

man: This is what I use for my dog. Hey, Joey, shut up, will you ? Joey, shut up. Here's the BarkOff. Shut the (bleep) up ! Thank you.

(dog whimpering)

announcer: Did you know jumping rope for just ten minutes can burn as many calories as running for half an hour ? So why isn't everybody jumping rope ? Because it's too hard !

Daisy: Seriously, who's got the coordination to learn how to jump rope ? Except for every third-grader in America.

announcer: Introducing the JumpSnap, the world's first and only rope-less jump rope system ! Without the rope to trip you up, now you too can train like a pro.

Kevin: 'Cause I've always said the big problem with jumping rope is the rope.

Loni: No jump rope. How are we supposed to Double Dutch ?

John: Testing, testing. Oh !

announcer: Thanks to the JumpSnap, people everywhere are jumping off the pounds in a snap !

Ted: JumpSnap is great, but in my system, you just have to imagine that you're already thin.

Chuck: Feel it ! Feel that burn! Oh, I could do this all day.

man: See how easy it is ? Am I doing this correctly ?

Danny: Maybe it's working out my wrists. But I can think of better ways to work out my wrists.

(rim shot)

announcer: JumpSnap comes equipped with an onboard computer that makes a snap sound just like the rope to keep you in rhythm.

Kevin: Why ? You trying to fool blind people ? What's the point ?

announcer: It even speaks to you to keep you motivated and on track.

woman: 1-1-5-1 calories.

announcer: Just like a personal trainer.

Billy: Provided your personal trainer talks like this: 1-1-2 calories. Beep, beep. Which mine does.

Mike: I can't do anymore ! I've done all I can ! Oh, God, it burns !

commentator: You can do it !

Mike: Thanks, robot voice. Okay, now I'm ready.

commentator: Little bitch !

announcer: The JumpSnap, the world's first and only rope-less jump rope system.

Chuck: Aw, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's good. Feel the burn, baby.

commentator: You can do it !

narrator: Coming up, a bedroom aide.

(farting)

Kevin: Oh, this'll be perfect for my bed-farting !

narrator: And...

announcer: The world's only dancer pole that can be attached to the ball hitch of a truck or SUV.

Loni: Just what we need. Drive-by stripping.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Introducing the Carstache, the first and only fake moustache made specifically for cars.

Daisy: Stop. Stop the hilarity.

narrator: And later...

announcer: Now, with Cuchini, you can say good-bye to the dreaded camel toe.

Ted: In my experience, not a good gift for your mother-in-law.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: It's the problem in the marriage bed that no one likes to talk about. Maybe that's why they call it silent but deadly. Well, now there's a real solution to a very real problem. Introducing the Better Marriage Blanket.

Loni: I need one of those and I'm not married.

announcer: On the outside, the Better Marriage Blanket looks and feels just like a soft, warm comforter, but on the inside, it contains a layer of activated carbon fabric.

Kevin: Oh, this'll be perfect for my bed-farting !

Mike: I'm just gonna stick with my existing technique of trying to smell the entire fart before anyone else can.

announcer: Even when used on top of bed sheets, offending molecules are absorbed before anyone knows they're there.

Daisy: Why is it always the dude who has the problem ?

(farting)

John: Mother of God, what the (bleep) died inside of you ?

Tonya: Wives don't fart. No, no, we toot.

announcer: The Better Marriage Blanket contains the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons.

Judy: I'm thinking the troops aren't hiding under a fart blanket when they find a chemical weapon.

Billy: I went right out and got the Better Marriage Blanket, not because we have a nighttime flatulence problem in our household, but because my wife has been attacking me with chemical weapons.

announcer: Flatulence molecules easily pass through the cotton shell and are harmlessly absorbed into the layer of carbon fabric.

Chelsea: How... Where do the (bleep) particles go ?

Nick: When you hang it outside and beat it with a broom, do you hear-- (blowing raspberry)

announcer: So whether you or your spouse suffers from a health issue or just the occasional disagreeable meal, you owe it to your marriage to try the Better Marriage Blanket.

Loni: See, that's why I like to stay single. Just let it fly. Let them airs out.

announcer: It makes a great wedding gift or anniversary gift, too.

Daniel: According to etiquette, the traditional fifth-anniversary present is a fart blanket.

Chelsea: Happy anniversary ! I hate you.

announcer: There's a real solution to a very real problem. Order now.

John: (bleep) Don't aim it at me, turn the other way. Don't-- don't-- Turn the other way.

announcer: Wine lovers, do you hate waiting to get your glass topped off ? Are you sick of missing out on great conversations just to get a refill ? Are you tired of all the whispers and disapproving glances every time you freshen your drink ? You can put all that behind you with the Giant Wine Glass. The elegant goblet that holds an entire bottle of wine.

Loni: Where has this been all my life ?

Jaime: For the person who loves wine, but hates sharing.

Michael: This holds a bottle of wine ? ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo... ♪ I'm a wino. Wow. That's a bottle of wine.

announcer: It's the breakthrough that's taking the world of wine by storm.

commentator: Yeah ! So good, definitely !

Judy: Okay, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. (slurring)I just want to say, out of all the inventions, this is my favorite invention.

announcer: Quit making endless trips to the fridge for refills.

Kevin: If you're the kind of person who hates refilling your wine that much, my guess is you probably don't even pour it out of the bottle first.

commentator: I'm not getting out of this chair all night. Ha-ha !

Danny: It's also really convenient, 'cause at the end of the night, you can use it to vomit into.

(Leif laughing)

Nick: I started drinking this last Thursday. I'm almost finished.

Ted: Oh, no, honey, I'm good. This'll do me.

Chelsea: Whose bedroom is this ? I just had one glass of wine !

announcer: So stop whining and start wining ! With the Giant Wine Glass.

Mike: Just one glass for me tonight, I'm driving !

announcer: Oh, no, not the dreaded camel toe again !

Christy: Hi, I'm Christy Sugrue.

Kelly: And I'm Kelly Heyniger.

Christy: And we are the inventors of the original Cuchini.

Loni: Cuchini ! Sound like something you put on pizza.

Kelly: As South Florida girls, we spend a lot of time in our bathing suits and we are sick and tired of men pointing out our visible...

both: Camel toe.

Christy: We decided something must be done.

Rob: Because after all, vaginas are terrifying and should be hidden.

Mike: Fellas, stop pointing out the camel toes ! The girls are noticing and now they're inventing (bleep).

Christy: The Cuchini pad adheres to the inside of the garment. Just peel, place and wow ! A smooth and camouflaged solution.

Chelsea: I hope people think I don't have a vagina. Ding!

Jaime: There's nothing like a piece of plastic in your crotch to make you feel like a woman.

Tonya: Just put a pad in.

Ted: Weirdly, in my experience, not a good gift for your mother-in-law.

Kelly: And although today's fads leaves us with no bush for the cush, so to speak, we have invented a confident and comfortable solution.

both: The Cuchini.

Daisy: No bush for the cush ? Not my problem, ladies. I got enough for two, two Cuchinis.

Judy: You know, this and BareLifts, I could be a model.

Christy: Now, ladies, you have a choice. You can say no to the dreaded camel toe.

Bryan: You say "camel toe,"I say "boner."

Michael: Don't take camel toe away from me, okay ? Whale tail and camel toe. The animal kingdom makes my world a better place.

Kelly: The Cuchini.

both: Because some secrets are meant to be kept.

Mike: What's the secret ?That you have a vagina ? We know.

Loni: Can I have a six-pack of Cuchinis, please ? I don't have camel toe. I have elephant hoof.

(elephant trumpeting)

girls: Say no to camel toe !

announcer: Nothing is more important in a child's early years than parental bonding. But it's hard to keep up with all that youthful energy.

man: Oh, my back !

announcer: Introducing Daddle, the saddle for dads.

Jaime: When a piggyback ride just isn't enough, you need to let your child know just how much they own you.

Danny: We had a name for this invention when I was growing up. It was called a pillow.

announcer: Simply place the Daddle on your back and fasten the strap around your midsection. Make sure your child has a good grip on the soft pommel. After that, it's time to ride.

girl: Go, Daddy, go, Daddy, go faster !

Mike B.: When you ask your kid, "You want a horsey-back ride ?" It's bareback, damn it. You don't punk it up with a saddle.

Nick: Do I have to wear this on my back ?

announcer: The ergonomic design reduces stress and strain on your spine, making the experience rewarding for both father and child.

Loni: How is this a great gift for Dad ?

Bryan: Thanks, Daddle. Now I can finally be the horse to my children I've always wanted to be.

announcer: The Daddle's plush top provides a comfortable seat for kids ages two to six and stirrups for safety.

Tonya: Oh, this is so cute. I mean, I'll just put it on the dog. Call it the Doggle.

announcer: Daddlesaren't just for dads. Mom can saddle up to.

Rodger: And daddies can Daddle with Mommy.

Loni: Do they make adult size ?

announcer: So quit horsing around, order yours today.

Jaime: Some of my fondest memories are of saddling up old Dad, taking him for a ride around the yard. Giddy up !

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Johnny-Light, the night-light for your toilet.

Nick: Edison would be proud.

narrator: And...

announcer: Skyrest, the world's most versatile inflatable travel pillow.

Daniel: Best of all, the Skyrest doubles as a flotation device.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: The Flexaway facial exerciser, guaranteed to rejuvenate your face.

Billy: What about just doing this ?

narrator: When "The World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: Tired of the same old workout ? Running in place on an ordinary treadmill is boring. But now there's a better way. Introducing the Speedfit Treadmobile vehicle, the world's first treadmill on wheels.

Bryan: Speedfit, finally. In case you want to run-drive.

Rob: I like to run near the ground, but not on it.

Danny: This isn't a new invention. This is exactly how Fred Flintstone got around.

announcer: Speedfit lets you enjoy all the benefits of a traditional treadmill while savoring the sights and sounds of the great outdoors.

(commentator grunting)

Mike T.: I like jogging, but I wish it required me to buy elaborate machinery.

Kevin: They basically created a car that's permanently out of gas.

Chelsea: Where are all the shots of neighbors pointing and laughing ?

(commentator laughing)

announcer: With its tempered steel chassis and shock-resistant tires, Speedfit goes wherever you want it to.

Jaime: 'Cause just running to the store isn't enough. Be cumbersome about it.

Loni: If you have an exercise machine and you need a driver's licence to operate it, let it go.

(commentator groaning)

announcer: Speedfit comes with an optional tandem strap to share your workout with a friend.

Mike T.: Now you can simulate being endlessly chased forever.

John: Whoo ! I'm breaking a sweat.

Bryan: I don't know, man.

announcer: Speedfit, the fantastic invention that's turning America from a fat country into a fit country.

Billy: You could just walk, of course. Which-- which I invented, by the way.

announcer: Are you looking for an end to the battle of the sexes in the bathroom ?

woman: (screaming) Why'd you turn the light on ?

man: I'm just going to the bathroom !

announcer: Are you one of the 49,000 Americans injured by their toilet each year ?

woman: Albert !

John: I've never been attacked by a toilet, ever in my life. I dominate toilets.

announcer: The patented Johnny-Light, priced under $14, is a soft-green night-light activated by raising the commode seat.

Nick: Edison would be proud. Guy invents a light bulb, we use it as a homing device to take a poop at 3:00 in the morning.

Frank: Well, why don't you just turn the (bleep) light on ?

announcer: Have you suffered an embarrassing nighttime splashdown ?

woman: Albert ! Albert, I'll get you !

Ted: I might pee on the seat too if I was married to that homicidal 80-year-old.

Mike B.: How about, ladies, you go in there and make sure that the runway is there before you bring the plane down ?

Loni: Big asses can't fit in the toilet, so it don't matter.

announcer: The Johnny-Light works in family bathrooms and unisex corporate washrooms.

Chuck: There's nothing better than looking upon my leavings in the soft green hue of a Johnny-Light.

Judy: The radioactive green really makes your shit look extra special.

announcer: The Johnny-Light, it enhances gender respect, family harmony, hygiene and safety.

woman: No broken hip for Grandma !

Loni: Oh, please show Grandma again. That was funny. Please.

woman: No broken hip for Grandma !

Billy: Oh, Grandma. Do not speak too soon.

announcer: To order a Johnny-Light, dial toll free. Cheaper than a marriage counselor.

Mike T.: All me and my wife do is yell at each other. I can't (bleep) stand to look at her. We need help ! I'm calling Johnny-Light.

announcer: Can't get comfortable in that airplane seat ? Tired of shifting and squirming all flight long ?Introducing Skyrest, the worlds most versatile inflatable travel pillow.

Kevin: You know, it might be less distracting to just bring a king-size mattress on the plane.

announcer: Skyrest fits in any carry-on bag.

Daniel: Best of all, in the event of a water landing, the Skyrest doubles as a flotation device.

announcer: Its patented one-way valve makes inflation a breeze.

Leif: Okay.

Frank: Yeah, man, I'm a musician. Yeah, I travel, I'm an actor.

Leif: I'm gonna go now.

Nick: I can't wait to get to the Funny Bone in Iowa.

Daisy: This is great and all, but I really am looking for a cushion to absorb my farts on planes.

announcer: Skyrest is designed specifically for sleeping in the upright position, meaning you'll be able to nap comfortably and without interruption.

Kevin: I wonder how many instances of, like, two people using this on a plane have ended in, like, accidentally making out.

Judy: Mike, can you move your (bleep) face away from my face ?

Mike T.: Why don't you get your face away from me ? It's a two-way street, Judy Gold !

announcer: Order today and experience in-flight comfort like never before.

man: Call me when this thing can add six inches of legroom.

Danny: I don't really need one of these, 'cause my girlfriend has giant breasts.

woman: Are you almost done with the interview ?

Danny: Yes, dear.

announcer: Do you see worry lines, sagging jowls or a double chin every time you look in the mirror ? If so, you're not alone. Gravity and advancing age take their toll on all of us. Introducing the Flexaway Facial Exerciser, the new workout system guaranteed to rejuvenate your face.

Judy: Yeah, don't diet and don't exercise, just put this (bleep) thing in your mouth.

announcer: Flexaway is incredibly easy to use. First, insert it in your mouth, keep holding the button shafts outside your mouth while inserting only the shield along the outside of your molars.

Loni: I'm confused.

announcer: Slide your lower jaw forward and push the button shafts as far as you can towards the center of your mouth, forming the letter "O"with your lips.

Loni: There's too many damn directions.

announcer: Bingo ! You've just done one session with very little time or effort.

Chelsea: Hmm, 'cause I was gonna say it seemed like a lot of effort.

Billy: What about just doing this ?

announcer: Two Flexaway workouts a day will leave you looking ten, 15, even 20 years younger.

Danny: Anything you do twice a day should be way more fun than this.

announcer: Listen to these revealing interviews with satisfied customers.

woman: When I first got the product, it was a little uncomfortable to use, it took a while to get used to.

Mike T.: Cut. What are you doing ? You just said it was hard to use.

man: I'd give it a nine. Definitely, definitely. And instead of a double chin, I now have a chin and a half.

Billy: Honey, great news.I got a modeling job. I'm going to be "Turkey Neck Man" in a Flexaway infomercial.

Marianne: I have a good facial exercise that helps you lose weight. "No thank you, I don't want dessert."

Chuck: Dude, your cheeks look diesel. You been using Flexaway ?

Bryan: Oh, my God, I feel totally younger. I look younger, too.

announcer: The Flexaway system can be yours for just $49 ! Order now !

Mike T.: See you later, gym membership !

Daisy: I need this. But for, like, my butt.

(rim shot)

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: Surprise your family and friends with Talking TP.

woman: This room isn't soundproofed. We can hear you all the way in the den.

Bryan: That's right, now you can wipe and laugh at the same time.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Just ten minutes with Head Spa every day will help you achieve a Zen-like state of bliss.

Rob: You'll feel so good after a few minutes of this, you'll forget you're being laughed at.

narrator: And sweet dreams...

announcer: The Amazing Dreamhelmet lets you sleep in cars, trains, planes, buses.

Tonya: Where the hell am I ?

narrator: And later...

announcer: With a FAST Holster, you can mount a gun just about anywhere, out of sight, literally in less than five minutes.

Mike T.: Is it five minutes to apocalypse already ?

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: Surprise your family and friends...

woman: Don't look now, but the neighbors can see you.

announcer: ... with your unexpected bathroom message with Talking TP ! Now, turn an ordinary trip to the bathroom into a laugh-filled surprise they'll never forget !

man: You want a receipt for that deposit there ?

Bryan: That's right, now you can wipe and laugh at the same time. Who doesn't want to do that ?

Judy: God, you have a small (bleep).

Brad: What the-- Hey, no! Who's...

announcer: How does it work ? It's easy ! Just record your message, place it inside the toilet-paper roll and wait for the fun to begin.

woman: This room isn't soundproofed.

commentator: What ?

woman: We can hear you all the way in the den.

Ted: I just really love getting messages while pooping.

Mike B.: When you go to the bathroom, you're not going there to have fun. No, you're going there to handle business.

announcer: Use it as a message reminder.

boy: Hey, Dad, can I have a raise in my allowance ?

Marianne: I've got gonorrhea, and so do you !

Todd: Too funny !

Daisy: I'm leaving you.

Mike T.: No !

John: That's a lot of corn.

( Judy laughing )

Billy: What about recording a political message ? Free Palestine. ( commentator laughing ) We need single pair healthcare now.

commentator: Oh !

announcer: Teach your kids hygiene.

woman: Don't forget to wash your hands, Susie.

Susie: Okay, Mom.

Jaime: Susie's got a bad attitude. Maybe it's her overbearing mother.

Kevin: Kids never listen to parents, but they always listen to talking toilet robots.

announcer: Talking TP makes a great gift for any occasion. Hurry, order now, it's a blast !

Danny: Come on, Bonaduce. Come on, push, push !

(farting)

announcer: Morning commute getting you down ? Having trouble remembering where you parked ? Finally, a brand-new product that helps your car stand out in the crowd. Introducing the Carstache...... the first and only fake moustache made specifically for cars.

Marianne: Moustaches don't even look good on people.

Daisy: Stop. Stop the hilarity.

Frank: Just bought a $300,000 Bentley, but something's missing. (bleep) Why didn't I think of that ?

announcer: Carstache easily attaches to the grill of any vehicle and gives your ride machismo that puts muscle cars to shame.

(engine revving)

Chuck: Is that Tom Selleck following me ?

Bryan: Those cars look like they're bullfighters.

Kevin: This is the first car I've ever seen that looks like a sex offender.

announcer: Choose from black, blonde, grey, orange, even hot pink.

(engine revving)

Mike T.: Even if we're operating in the world where cars have moustaches... (horns honking) ... it still doesn't make any sense for it to be pink.

announcer: With Carstache, all eyes are guaranteed to be on your automobile.

commentator: Huh, look at that. Cars with moustaches. Where do you want to go for lunch ?

Billy: People's reaction to the Carstache seems to range from "oh" to "huh."

announcer: Don't delay, order today.

(tires screeching)

Nick: If I saw one of these coming at me, honest to God, I'd go buy wax. You know how you key a car ? I'd wax the--

announcer: Do your parties lack a certain pizazz ? Wish there was a way to spice things up and keep all your guests entertained ? Now you can give them an evening they'll never forget with the Platinum Stages freestanding portable dancer pole.

Bryan: A portable stripper pole ? Now you can bring your daddy issues and low self-esteem anywhere.

Danny: Does the pole come with the girls ?

announcer: This stand-alone pole is easy to assemble and can hold up to 250 pounds.

John: I don't want to see anybody 250 pounds on a (bleep) pole.

woman: The base comes with eight legs.The long legs go on the flat side and you can adjust the footing as you go.

Kevin: There's something terribly sad about a stripper who has to build her own pole.

woman: They go on the diagonal ends of the star stage. Last one, this is quick.

Loni: The way she putting this together, she don't need to be a stripper, she should be a contruction worker.

woman: Go ahead and put the collar on, and this is nice and flat.

Mike T.: Yeah, you work that Allen wrench. I want to be Allen right now.

woman: Kick off your shoes and get ready to spin.

Michael: She's upside down on it, it's holding her up. The only thing that could be better is if you could put it on a truck.

announcer: Introducing the platinum hitch pole.

Michael: What ?

announcer: The world's only dancer pole that can be attached to the ball hitch of a truck or SUV.

Loni: Just what we need. Drive-by stripping.

Mike T.: Once you have the stripper stage on the back of your pickup truck, you're gonna forget how you ever lived without a stripper stage on the back of your pickup truck.

Daisy: It goes outside ? That's good. I hate it when my stripper sits inside my truck.

(horn honking)

announcer: Platinum Stages dancer poles. Call today and get the party started.

Brad: Order now and you get a free pregnancy test !

announcer: Do you ever have trouble sleeping ? This woman won't because she is using the Amazing Dreamhelmet, a revolutionary combination sleep mask and pillow, which blocks light and sound to let you sleep anytime, anywhere.

Billy: What is wrong with a good old-fashioned bag over the head ?

Kevin: This looks really comfortable if you like being smothered in your sleep.

announcer: The Amazing Dreamhelmet lets you sleep in cars, trains, planes, buses.

Daisy: Subway stations, dumpsters, under a bridge next to a river.

Tonya: Where the hell am I ?

announcer: Use it while reading or watching TV.

Mike B.: How the hell you advertise that you can use it when you're reading and watching TV ? You're a-freaking-sleep !

announcer: Use it as a pillow. Use it as a muff.

Danny: Don't tempt me.

Brad: Get it off, get it off ! I will not have a muff on my face.

Michael: You know who's gonna be ordering these ? People who take hostages.

Chuck: Look, man, the money is in the safe, okay ? That's all I'm saying. The money is in the safe, the safe is unlocked. I haven't seen your faces, now go.

announcer: The secret pocket allows you to hide credit cards and valuables.

Kevin: Because who doesn't sleep with their credit cards under their pillow ?

Mike T.: Where's my social-security card-- Oh, I left it in the Dreamhelmet. Yes, of course.

announcer: The Amazing Dreamhelmet is available in these attractive styles: adventurer, rain forest, teddy bear, cloud nine, blue heaven, executive and the newest models, stars and stripes and victory.

Jaime: Attractive indeed. Put me down for an adventurer !

Billy: Oh, oh. Teddy bear.

Frank: You probably-- Desecrated the American flag. This...is blasphemous.

announcer: To order the Amazing Dreamhelmet, call now.

Loni: Dreamhelmet. This is my Dreamhelmet.

narrator: Coming up, more life-enhancing inventions.

announcer: Tinkle Tube, the fast, easy and sanitary way to potty train while on the go.

Judy: Seriously ?

narrator: And...

announcer: Kitty Wigs put your furry friend at the center of attention.

Mike T.: This isn't an invention. It's just a smaller version of a thing that exists.

narrator: Plus...

Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for RoboStir. It stirs so you don't have to.

Mike T.: Way to take all purpose out of a woman's life.

narrator: When "Worlds Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: Oh, no. Your little man has to go. But potty training in public restrooms is such a hassle. There's the mess. And the embarrassment. What to do ? Introducing Tinkle Tube, the fast, easy and sanitary way to potty train while on the go.

Judy: Seriously ?

Mike T.: Tinkle Tube. There's another name for my penis I have to retire. Thanks a lot.

announcer: Simply pop off the plastic caps and place the Tinkle tube over your little man's little man.

Rob: I'd like to help potty train my son, but I have no idea how to use a penis.

Mike B.: Don't damage him psychologically and slap a tube on him.

announcer: No more poor aim. It's guaranteed to keep you and your son dry and confident.

Frank: Let him just piss in his pants. He's four years old. Who cares ?

announcer: When finished, simply wash the Tinkle Tube and recap until next time. It's just that easy.

Leif: When-- when do you take him off the-- the tube ? Or does this just work for the rest of your life ?

Ted: I still use my Tinkle Tube. I'm using it right now.

announcer: Tinkle Tube fits easily into any diaper bag or pocketbook.

Todd: This is the Tinkle Tube for colored children.

announcer: Order now and you'll get two Tinkle Tubes for the low price of 8.99.

Tonya: Sure, it may work and everything, but it's also showing him that he can stick his pee pee into things that are tubes.

Judy: I wish I had my shotgun right now.

announcer: Don't wait too long. Order your Tinkle Tube today.

Danny: It also does a great job of preparing your kids for legally mandated urine testing.

announcer: Does your cat seem bored and listless ? You can perk her up pronto with a Kitty Wig.

Rob: Do you hate your cat ? Then we've got good news for you.

Bryan: I don't like that much hair on my pussy... cats.

announcer: These fun and funny props are sure to enhance playtime with your favorite felines.

Jaime: Perfect for people with too much time and money on their hands.

Mike T.: This isn't an invention, by the way. This is just a smaller version of a thing that exists.

Daisy: Everyone shut up, just shut up. I'm legitimately interested in this.

man: We've been putting wigs on 'em for years.

Billy: And nobody called the ASPCA ?

( cat meowing )

Leif: People who dress their pets up. Stupid.

Ted: I don't know, sometimes I like my cat to look a little whorish.

Loni: I think one of them cats look like me.

announcer: Kitty Wigs put your furry friend at the center of attention.

woman: One of us would hold the cat and the other one would sneak up from behind and put the wig on.

Chelsea: Did you have to sneak up on your cat to get that on there ? I wonder why the cat wouldn't just come to you and just wait for it.

Mike T.: Cats would rather be turned into Chinese food than to do this.

Todd: When I get out of this, I'm gonna scratch somebody's eyeballs out.

man: They have their own dreams that just fit that particular cat, and then when they put on that Kitty Wig, their own stories are played out.

Mike B.: These are cats with wigs, dude. There is no story.

announcer: Kitty Wigs are available in a wide array of styles for just $50 each.

Kevin: For the same price, you can light $50 on fire.

announcer: If your cat could speak, he'd say, "Don't leave meeee-owt !" Order today !

John: And they work for small dogs, too. Hey. What happened to your hair ?

announcer: We all love homemade soups and sauces, but who wants to stand in front of the stove for hours stirring ?

Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivan here for RoboStir. It stirs so you don't have to.

Mike T.: Way to take all purpose out of a woman's life.

John: I don't really care how long she's got to stir it, as long as it's ready by 5:30.

commentator: Hey !

Anthony: The RoboStir drops into any pot or pan. With the touch of a button, it automatically starts to stir.

Loni: I like stirring the old-fashioned way. Using kids.

Leif: Are you really that lazy that you need something to stir your drink for you ? Oh, it's not for alcoholic beverages ? ( bleep )

Anthony: The secret's the orbital gyroscopic action that ensures no spot is unstirred or untouched.

Kevin: This sauce is amazing, Marcy. What's your secret ? Robots ?

Chuck: Dance for me ! Dance, my little robot ! Dance !

Mike T.: This is how the robots take over. It starts out light and funny. Next thing you know, robots with skeleton faces shooting lasers.

Anthony: With the RoboStir, you finally have that third hand in the kitchen so you can get two things done at once.

Brad: If I had a third hand, I sure as hell wouldn't be making soup.

Anthony: It's battery-operated and so sturdy it can stir for up to four hours and stand heat up to 572°.

Jaime: It stirs for four hours and then it gives up and shouts, "What the hell are you making ?"

Anthony: RoboStir is great for gravy.

Billy: Okay, I know the RoboStir is good for gravy, but-- but what about soups and stews ?

Anthony: Super for soups and stews ?

Billy: Beans ?

Anthony: For beans, it's the best.

Billy: Marinara ?

Anthony: Mixed marinara.

Billy: You gotta be kidding me.

Anthony: The RoboStir keeps everything moving. It stirs so you don't have to. Order right now.

Loni: If you double the offer, I might consider it.

Anthony: And we'll double the offer. Just pay additional processing and handling.

Judy: If you can't stir your food, then you might want to order in. Get a pizza, you know ?

announcer: In today's fast-paced world, sources of stress are everywhere. You could spend thousands on expensive massages, but now there's a better way. Introducing the Head Spa, the revolutionary and economical new head and neck massager.

Brad: Uh, when you told me the product was Head Spa, this is so not what I had in mind.

announcer: Head Spa pulses and vibrates to stimulate millions of nerves and soothe away headaches and neck cramps.

John: I see somebody with that on, stimulating my nerves. I'm gonna knock 'em out.

Nick: Now, couldn't I just hire a nice 18-year-old girl to do that ? Do I really need a silly hat ?

announcer: Just ten minutes with Head Spa every day will help you achieve a Zen-like state of bliss.

Chuck: Turn it up, turn it up.

Judy: Wow !

Chelsea: Oh, this feels so good !

Mike T.: It feels like I have my head in a paint mixer.

Tonya: Making my nose tickle.

Judy: Wow !

Chris: Whoo. I feel like riding public transportation.

announcer: It's perfect for home, the office...

Brad: You could wear this at work. If it's your last day.

announcer: ... your commute, or anywhere you want a little downtime.

Kevin: You could even be sitting in your car and driving with it. The police won't agree, but you could do it.

announcer: Head Spa's your's for just 19.95 plus shipping and handling. Order now.

Chris: You'll feel so good after a few minutes at this, you'll forget you're being laughed at.

Brad: This is Head Spa ! Tonight, we dine in hell !

narrator: 19 smart inventions have shown you how to change your life for the better...... but only one will blow your world to smithereens. ( dog barking ) Find out what it is right after this.

announcer: Everyone is looking for ways to hide firearms and extra ammo throughout their home. The challenge remains on how you should go about doing that. With the FAST Holster, you can mount a gun just about anywhere, out of sight, literally in less than five minutes.

Mike T.: Is it five minutes to apocalypse already ?

announcer: How the FAST Holster works is very simple. It is a plastic-coated magnet that is mounted onto your nightstand and end table. As you can see, the FAST Holster is mounted under a desk.

Nick: That's the invention ? A ( bleep ) magnet ? What a genius.

announcer: Simply grab the gun off the magnet and you are ready to go.

Judy: Ready to go do what ? Kill someone ?

Ted: This seems like a good product, but will it hold my uzi ?

announcer: You're done working at your desk and you want to relax and watch TV. You can simply take your gun with you, and then you place it on the FAST Holster you have mounted under the coffee table.

Tonya: Every American should have a gun in every room.

Chris: You got your hallway gun, you got your foyer gun. You got your attic gun, you got your front porch gun, you got your back porch gun. Gun, gun, gun, gun. Kill everybody.

announcer: The gun is out of sight, so if you have any guests over, they won't have a clue that the gun is nearby.

Nick: Let's say you're having company, they won't leave. Ooh, I dropped something, excuse me. All right. Get the ( bleep ) out of here. My kid's got dance class tomorrow.

announcer: If you're serious about self-preservation, the FAST Holster can be mounted in the shower area as well.

Danny: That's exactly where I keep my gun, too. Right next to the conditioner.

announcer: Take your gun with you for quick access when you're bathing or showering, or just taking care of business.

Daisy: "Taking care of business." That's a euphemism. ( blowing raspberry )

Chris: Let me get this straight. This guy's willing to kill someone while sitting on the toilet, but not willing to say the word "poop."

announcer: To truly protect you and your loved ones, order your FAST Holster today.

Mike T.: The FAST Holster makes my life a lot easier. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo !

Kevin: You do not want to see this.

Loni: Cuchini !

Chelsea: Ding !

Rob: Yuck !

Danny: Look, I'm a pirate.

Brad: Ow !

Jaime: Oh, no !

Brad: Can I get a doctor ?

Billy: It's gone mad !

Chelsea: Can somebody spot me ?

Frank: Push 'em back, push 'em back, way back !

Judy: Hi !

Rob: No more "boing." Now it's--

Daisy: Meow !

Nick: I swear by these things.

( blowing raspberries )

Jaime: That smells.

Billy: Light a match.

Judy: Giddy up !

Brad: The toilet paper's talking.

Leif: Wipe again.

Todd: What you talking about ? ( laughing )

Chuck: Nunchakus ! Ouch.

Nick: Finish it.

Loni: Love it ! Thank you, thank you.

Rob: How do you live with yourself ?

Billy: That's more like it.

Danny: Am I actually talking to anyone ?

Michael: Operators are standing by.go ahead and call.