Worlds Smartest Inventions 5 transcript

narrator: Tonight...

man: Just wait 'til you see

what I've got.

narrator: ... truTV presents... ( man laughing ) ... 20 astounding new inventions.

man: Tired of stretching just for a sip ? Avoid stains like this with the Couch Coozy.

woman: If you can't get up and put your drink on a table, something is wrong.

narrator: Revolutionary, cutting-edge products.

announcer: It's nature's perfect pillow modeled after nature's perfect shape.

woman: Do we really need the thong ?

narrator: And products that help you cut corners.

man: It's as easy as one, two, square root of 4,226.

narrator: Plus, you'll meet the world's tiniest pitchman.

man: This is the greatest invention ever !

man: Oh, my God, did a wizard cast a spell on Billy Mays ?

narrator: And find solutions to problems you may not even know you have.

announcer: With Creepy Catchers, no longer worry about earwigs crawling into your ears.

man: So earwigs crawl in your ear. So that would mean that cockroaches crawl in your...

narrator: Loaded with sincere endorsements from our celebrity cast.

Tonya: I kinda look like a shagged carpet, but I don't feel like one.

narrator: You simply can't resist this deal. "truTV Presents: The World'sSmartest Inventions." So don't delay, get yours now !

Closed Captions Provided by truTV

announcer: Ladies, tired of being ignored ?

woman: What the hell ?

announcer: Don't be afraid to flaunt your assets.

man: Jeez...

man: Oh !

man: You see that ?

announcer: Get noticed with BodyPerks. Lightweight silicone prosthesis that enhance your body's natural shape.

Mike: Oh, it's about time. The other day I saw a woman, I couldn't see her nipples at all.

announcer: Just insert BodyPerks into your bra. The proprietary contour design does the rest.

Tonya: My nipples are in the wrong spot. Fix my other one here. Ready to go out now ? Nipples by choice.

Judy: Is anyone cold ? God, I feel a breeze.

Loni: How's it down...

announcer: No matter the mood, no matter the temperature, BodyPerks command attention.

Brad: Turkey's done.

man: Say, Bob, that girl suddenly has erect nipples. Let's go introduce ourselves to her. I bet she likes a good time. With nipples like that.

announcer: With a tight tee, a swimsuit or a sexy dress, BodyPerks give you extra sass and confidence.

John: For the girl that's uncomfortable with direct eye contact, I suggest these. Nobody will look you in the eye again.

announcer: BodyPerks.

men: Yeah !

announcer: Get yours today.

Kevin: But what about when things go well and you get into the bedroom and that guy finds out those nipples weren't real ? What, nothing happens ? 'Cause no guy cares ? Exactly.

announcer: Enjoying the great outdoors can be a fun family adventure, until mother nature decides to loudly call your name. Introducing the Travel Toilet for your outdoor needs.

man: Finally, something for the public pooer. ( farting )

announcer: Whether you're camping, hunting, boating, enjoying your favorite outdoor activity or somewhere on the job...

Brad: Watching a marathon of "World's Dumbest." You know someone's done it.

announcer: The Travel Toilet is the perfect accessory. Setting up in seconds, it is there when you need it.

Mike: Long line for the bathroom ? Don't worry, I brought my own.

Danny: You can set it up in seconds. Or go behind a bush like everybody else.

Loni: Leif, give me a leaf.

announcer: The streamlined Travel Toilet comes with its own carrying case for easy transportation and storage.

woman: Hey, Christina, is that your new Prada bag ? No, it's my Travel Toilet.

announcer: Another added feature is the easy-open stainless-steel pullout toilet paper holder.

Frank: That's the whole idea of camping. You go in the woods, you wipe your ass with a leaf and that's it. Look at this thing.

announcer: The Travel Toilet is made to accommodate standard bio bags, and with the specially designed frame, you can be certain your bio bag stays secure.

Brendon: You only provide eight bio bags ? What am I supposed to use on day two ?

announcer: Other portable brands have you sitting on the waste bag, but with the Travel Toilet, wherever you are, you feel like you're at home.

woman: Yeah, definitely keep it really close to the campfire. I don't want you to miss this ghost story.

announcer: Made of stainless steel and rugged ABS plastic, the Travel Toilet ensures a sturdy and comfortable experience.

Mike: The Travel Toilet. It's the ( bleep ) !

Brad: Listen, I know it's a forest, but I'm gonna need a match.

announcer: Elegance, sophistication, convenience. After 150 years, the tuxedo has finally received the improvement it deserves. It's the first one-piece formal men's attire by Trillian.

man: Check it.

announcer: The ( bleep )-edo.

Jaime: Can we even say ( bleep )-edo ?

Brad: This is like for 007's stoner cousin, 420.

commentator: Well, hello !

announcer: Behold a stylish, functioning tuxedo merged with the convenience and comfort of a jumpsuit to form a fully functional men's garment.

Chelsea: I don't get it. Was there a demand for this ?

Billy: I guess this is useful if, say, the Queen of England invites you to a-- to a formal changing of the oil.

announcer: The ( bleep )-edo allows you to go from classy to casual in seconds.

Mike: Here we go, ready for a night out. The ( bleep )-edo. Naked to fancy-pants. Okay, here's the moment of truth. Yeah ! I feel very fancy. I might need the next size up, though. Maybe.

announcer: A graceful two-way zipper allows easy access in and out of this timeless ensemble.

Chuck: Which means, I guess it doesn't catch my junk.

Daniel: If only these things were around when I was a kid. My prom date would have gone home much, much happier.

Ted: I would bet almost anything that no ( bleep )-edo wearer has ever ( bleep)-edo'd a girl.

announcer: The bow tie and cummerbund are gracefully sewn in, so you'll never misplace them again.

Kevin: It's about time, 'cause my sock drawer is overflowing with cummerbunds.

announcer: The ( bleep )-edo can be yours today for just six easy installments of $49.99, plus shipping and handling. What a deal. Just call the number below to order and we promise to suit your needs or your money back.

Judy: $300 for the ( bleep )-edo ? ( bleep ) the ( bleep )-edo. That's what I have to say.

narrator: Coming up...

announcer: If you're a drinker who keeps losing his beer...

man: Where'd my beer go ?

announcer: ... then you need the Beer Pager !

Mike: Where is my beer ?

man:  Ahhh !

Mike: Oh, there it is ! It's in my belly !

narrator: And, looking to pimp your pooch's ride ?

Chuck: Wow, now man's best friend is also his worst fashion accessory.

narrator: Plus, hands-free video. A new way to capture life's important moments on video.

Billy: The great thing about this is people don't notice you filming them. No, it's just a baseball cap.

narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: You open a lot of beers.

man: Cheers !

announcer: But how many do you finish ?

man: I don't know.

announcer: If you're a drinker who keeps losing his beer...

man: Where's my beer ?

announcer: ... then you need the Beer Pager !

Danny: The Beer Pager ! It's like The Clapper for drunks.

announcer: Simply push the button on the sleek remote attached to your belt. Using flashing lights and a distinctive sounds...

man:  Ahhh !

announcer: ... the Beer Pager alerts you to the whereabouts of your beverage.

Daniel: I noticed your pager. Are you a doctor ? No. I'm an alcoholic.

announcer: It may look normal, but the Beer Pager's simple exterior hides sophisticated paging technology.

man: ( burping ) Ahhh !

man: Nice !

Brad: But how am I gonna tell my belch ringtone from all the belching of my gross friends ?

( commentator burping )

Loni: As a child, I was a Beer Pager. I would get my mama's beer all the time. I'd take a little sip, too. Sorry, Mama.

announcer: It works up to 60 feet away.

man:  Ahhh.

announcer: Even through walls.

Kevin: Just in case your beer has literally been kidnapped.

Mike: Where is my beer ?

man:  Ahhh !

Mike: Oh, there it is ! It's in my belly !

announcer: Act now and get the Beer Pager for the low, low price of 19.95.

Christina: The Beer Pager is the last purchase you make before you go to rehab.

Leif: Huh ?

announcer: Get the Beer Pager and never lose a beer again ! The Beer Pager by Weebly.

Brad: Weebly ? Weebly's a lot more creative than White Trash, Incorporated.

man: You, you're good.

( woman screaming )

announcer: Are you disgusted by bugs in your home ? For every one you see, there could be hundreds more creeping around !

Mike: Those are some enormous bugs.

Chuck M.: Chuck Mango here with Creepy Catchers, the world's safest, most effective insect trap.

Daniel: Stop. Don't say another word. You had me at Chuck Mango.

Chuck M.: No longer worry about poisonous spiders, swallowing bugs in your sleep, earwigs crawling into your ears--

John: Hold on, little man, let me get this straight. So earwigs crawl in your ear. So that would mean that cockroaches crawl in your...

( man screaming )

Chuck M.: Ideal for centipedes, cockroaches, nasty jumping bugs and much more. Eradicate the bugs for good !

Michael: You know why the bugs look so big ? He's ( bleep ) tiny !

Chuck M.: You want a piece of me ? They're lured inside where the super-sticky nontoxic glue has the strength to catch and hold even the largest bugs. Once they're stuck, the bugs are out of luck.

Kevin: Chuck knows the world's most effective insect trap because he's gotten stuck in it.

Chuck M.: For bugs big and small, Creepy Catchers captures them all !

Brendon: Hey, Chuck, you got anything for beard bugs ?

Chuck M.: Now you can get four professional Creepy Catcher traps for just $7.99. But wait ! Order online now and we'll double the offer.

Tonya: If you don't have the money to actually go out and buy something like that, just use some duct tape and, you know, a little peanut butter. I promise you, if it's real duct tape, it'll work.

announcer: Don't delay ! Take advantage of our special limited time offer.

Chuck M.: It's a bug's worst nightmare !

Billy: Just like Chuck Mango with fake vampire teeth is my worst nightmare.

( commentator burping )

announcer: Tired of missing the perfect video because you had your hands full ?

man: Where's my damn camera ? Damn it !

announcer: Introducing hands-free video recording with Hatcam. With Hatcam, you can easily capture your greatest adventures to re-watch again and again.

Kevin: Yeah, you could do that. Or you could just use your memory.

announcer: The universal camera mount on Hatcam's brim fits all tripod-compatible cameras.

Mike B.: You don't get no camera ? Not even a little cheap camera to go with it. It's just a hat with a screw. The rest is up to you.

Billy: The great thing about this is people don't notice you filming them. No, it's just a baseball cap.

Brendon: I don't think this is the right kind of camera to use for this.

Bryan: How about a shoe cam so I can see up skirts ?

announcer: Hatcam is great for vacations, sporting events and instructional videos.

man: Nice one !

Daisy: Why are we watching videos of fishing and baseball ? Where are all the sex videos ?

Danny: ( groaning ) ( bleep ) damn it ! Honey, is that the Hatcam ?

Frank: I'm just getting myself together to do the show. I definitely wouldn't get laid with this hat, I can tell.

Brendon: This is a behind-the-scenes look.

Leif: Oh, there he is.

Brendon: Hey, you the new guy ?

Leif: Oh-- I'm the new guy ? Wait, you're the new guy.

Brendon: Nah, dude. I've been doing this for, like--

Leif: Excuse me, bro. Come on. I've been here since season one.

Brendon: Bro.

Leif: What about you ?

Brendon: I've been here since 9:00.

Leif: Oh, good one. Congratulations, welcome.

announcer: The affordable Hatcam comes in a variety of colors and adjusts to fit any size head.

Chuck M.: Here's my trip to New York City ! The Statue of Liberty ! The Empire State Building ! I even met Donald Trump !

announcer: So don't delay, order Hatcam today !

man: Yeah !

Mike T.: Well, I'm working on Camhats, little hats to put on top of your camera.

It's adorable.

announcer: You love taking your dog out on the town but keeping him on a leash can be a real drag.

John: You know, you carry your dog around and it really takes up your hand.

announcer: If only there was a way to take your dog with you that keeps him safe and your hands free. Well, now there is. Introducing the Puppoose.

Daniel: I don't even care what this thing is. I just instinctively buy anything that's crocheted.

announcer: The Puppoose is the most ergonomically designed natural way to carry your pet. The luxuriously lightweight soft fabric makes using this carrier a breeze.

Chuck N.: Wow, now man's bestfriend is also his worst fashion accessory.

man: Yeah, very cute. Wait 'til I crap from three feet in the air.

announcer: Just ease your four-legged friend through the four comfy holes, secure with a safety strap and you're ready to hit the road.

Bryan: I have one just like that, only mine is bigger. And it has three holes. You do the math.

Billy: This is the kind of device that seems to require a lot of cooperation on the dog's part, or maybe-- maybe a powerful sedative.

announcer: Now your dog goes wherever you go. To the office, to the mall or even a party.

Mike T.: Finally, me and my stupid tiny dog can express our love through the magic of dance.

announcer: In rain, sleet or snow, Puppoose keeps your pooch best in show.

Brendon: What's the weather like outside today ? Is it doing some weird cartoonish rain or snow or something ?

Billy: Okay, Meadow, come on, okay. This is gonna be fun, it's a Puppoose.

announcer: Puppoose comes in three sizes and fits small dogs up to 22 pounds and the Puppoose can be yours for only $60. So don't leave Fido behind, get your Puppoose today !

Billy: Ta-da ! He loves it !

John: Now with the Puppoose, I'm hands-free. See ya !

Loni: Where's my lip gloss ? Thanks, Chuck Mango ! He's so sweet.

narrator: Coming up, don't leave home without it !

announcer: It's wearable hair that you can wear anywhere !

Kevin: This is for the man who sees a regular toupee and decides, that's not quite embarrassing enough for me.

narrator: And...

announcer: Poop Freeze. The pet product that uses a patented process to freeze and harden the poop.

woman: Look ! Frozen ! Nothing. I barely tasted it.

narrator: Plus...

announcer: Introducing the Razorba. It's the do-it-yourself solution to unsightly back hair.

Bryan: Thanks, Razorba ! Now I don't have to ask the lifeguard to shave my back for me.

narrator: It's all coming up when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

announcer: Do you have trouble getting a good night's sleep ? Are you constantly tossing and turning, trying to find the perfect position of comfort ?

Daisy: What is with this scary-looking spokesmodel ?

announcer: If your current pillow makes it difficult to relax and sleep easily, you can now rest assured. The Booty Pillow is the product you've been waiting for.

Brendon: I have been waiting for this my whole life.

woman:  Hello ?

Brendon: Yeah, honey ?

woman:  Yes ?

Brendon: The only reason I was dating you was so I could rest my head on your ass, and now I don't-- I have a new thing, so...

woman:  What ?

Brendon: Have a nice life, baby !

announcer: It's nature's perfect pillow, modeled after nature's perfect shape.

Tonya: You know, if I wanted to see my butt in a G-string, I'd just look in the mirror, all right ?

Leif: Woo ! Frank: Booty Pillow.

Judy: Do we really need the thong ?

Brad: That is the last thing I want to lay on.

Ben: My girl is always on the road for business, so I don't get to cuddle with her the way I like to. Thanks to Booty Pillow, I feel like she's still here.

John: Doesn't this come in a bigger size ? What am I gonna do when Loni's on the road ? I mean, it's nothing.

announcer: The Booty Pillow is made to provide maximum comfort wherever you use it. Use it at the office to ease back pain, use it in your bed to sleep, use it on the couch while watching a movie. You can use it anywhere!

Kevin: You can use it in the bed, the office, or anywhere else you feel like you've been getting too much respect.

announcer: Order now and get the Booty Pillow for the low price of just $29.99.

Ted: It lasts so much longer than a real truncated cadaver, which costs like 30 bucks at the morgue.

announcer: Booty Pillow. It's the perfect asset to a goodnight's sleep.

Billy: Honey, I think your Booty Pillow needs to lose a few pounds. Oh, oh, that's you. I'm so sorry.

announcer: Oh, no ! It looks like your dog has left you another surprise and it's up to you to pick it up.

Leif: There's nothing worse than actually grabbing your dog's warm hot, gooey feces.

announcer: But now there's a better way. Introducing Poop Freeze, the pet product that does exactly what it sounds like it does. ( Frank blowing raspberry ) Poop Freeze uses a patented process to freeze and harden the poop, making it easier to handle. All you have to do is point, spray and take it away.

Kevin: Just in case we ever get the technology in the future, maybe we can revive it.

commentator: Woo-hoo, yeah !

Mike T.: Works great.

woman: Look ! Frozen. Nothing. I barely tasted it.

announcer: Plus, it helps eliminate the mess and potential health risks unattended animal droppings can cause your pet and your family.

Michael: Who needs this ? It's ( bleep ), okay ? Hot and steamy, fresh or frozen, you're handling poop.

John: Good boy ! Look at that !

Bryan: No mess, no fuss ! Not just for the dog.

Judy: You see, we've got hundreds of these at home ! From our trip to the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, oh, and that time we had some bad Mexican food.

commentator: Stupid gringo !

announcer: So why deal with the mess when you can just frost it and toss it with Poop Freeze for only $9.99 ?

Loni: Frost and toss, baby, frost and toss.

Billy: Okay, I'm gonna freeze your poop !

announcer: Call now and we'll double the offer and include a second can free ! You get two cans of Poop Freeze now for only $9.99, but you have to call now.

Daniel: If you have to pick just one ( bleep ) freezing spray, make it Poop Freeze.

announcer: Introducing the Bra Baby, the smart way to baby your bra. Bra Baby is the revolutionary new washing system that protects your finest bras from the ravages of the washing machine.

Daisy: Oh, this is disappointing. It's not a bra for my baby ?

announcer: Watch this. We took two identical bras and washed and dried them each 50 times, one the old-fashioned way and one with the Bra Baby !

Judy: 50 times ? I've only washed my bra, like... I've never washed my bra.

announcer: Traditional washing and drying ruined this bra, leaving it lumpy and creased, but the Bra Baby bra looks as good as new.

Frank: Why is the bra so more delicate than my underwear ? I throw my ( bleep ) in the dryer and washer, still fits, still holds my package.

announcer: Bra Baby is as simple to use as one, two, three ! Simply hook the straps together, place around the inner shell, then tuck, and snap the outer shell around the bra.

Loni: I just want to wash my bra. I shouldn't have to do a Rubik's cube to get it clean.

Danny: The-- The Bra Baby ! It's actually harder to get open than a Catholic schoolgirl's bra !

announcer: With its unique Flo-Thru design, the Bra Baby allows water to gently clean your delicates while it protects them from the agitator and from the weight of the other clothes in the spin cycle. Best of all, Bra Baby is dryer safe.

man: Ahh... For the love of God, someone turn that thing down !

Bryan: I can use this for my G-strings, too. And my hamster.

commentator: I don't want it ! I get my bras dry-cleaned.

Danny: Five more pounds, I'll actually need one of those. I have "moobs."

announcer: Bra Baby, the smart way to baby your bra.

Brad: It comes in two nifty sizes: Loni Love...or Chelsea Peretti. Wahh-wahh.

announcer: Ladies not even aware you're there ? Well, make them stare with the all-new Flair Hair. It's wearable hair that you can wear anywhere !

Kevin: This is for the man who sees a regular toupee and decides, you know what ? That's not quite embarrassing enough for me.

announcer: Get the Flair Hair visor and you'll always get the best kind of attention.

Ted: Hair attached to a visor. Why didn't I think of that ? Oh, 'cause I have self-respect.

announcer: From the golf course...

man: Yeah, nice !

announcer: ... to the boardroom, it's always cool to look this hot.

Judy: I don't know if this is gonna fly in the bedroom.

Christina: I like the nerdiness of a sun visor combined with the ugliness of Muppet hair. That's hot.

man: The Flair Hair make you feel freaky and fresh, it'll makes you feel fresh and freaky, it make you feel freaky, freaky, fresh, freaky, fresh, fresh, freaky.

announcer: Inspired by young, cutting-edge fashion, Flair Hair gives you eye-popping style.

Brad: Young Brad. Old Brad. Young Brad. Old Brad.

man: First time I wore my Flair Hair, I was constantly approached by women. I made three separate dinner dates the first day.

Jaime: Those women approached you 'cause they wanted to get a closer look at your lie.

announcer: Get added confidence and make that much-needed change to your life.

Wes: What are you talking about ? Every day is like Flair Hair for me.

Chris: Balding men don't need tricks like this, they just use a bandanna. Right, Leif ?

announcer: Flair Hair. Be as stylish as you dare.

narrator: Coming up: The world's most versatile garment.

announcer: It can be worn as a dress, a halter, a vest.

Daniel: Truly, we are living in the future.

narrator: And, more hairy contraptions.

announcer: The elastic hair band fits gently and snugly around her developing little head.

Judy: My baby is so ( bleep ) ugly ! But not anymore ! Look ! Isn't she cute ?

narrator: Plus, a safe and restful sleep can now be yours.

man: The Bed Bunker holds up to 35 rifles and 70 handguns.

Danny: I've heard of keeping protection by your bedside, but this is ridiculous.

narrator: Next, when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

man: Oh, what a happy little guy !

woman: Girl !

announcer: She's your precious darling... she's your smiling sweetheart.

woman: Oh, he is so cute !

woman: She !

announcer: But why don't they know your little lady is a little lady ?

woman: Hair, that's what !

announcer: That's right. It takes time for baby girls to develop those long luxurious locks, that's why you need Baby Bangs. Baby Bangs is the hairpiece accessory that gives baby girls a beautifully realistic hairstyle in a snap.

Bryan: There's nothing more disgusting than a bald little baby head. Ugh.

Chelsea: Baby Bangs, for the deep-feeling parent who's patient and tolerant of their child's natural development.

Frank: They got the ( bleep ) Beatle haircut. They look like Ringo. ( rim shot )

announcer: The elastic hair band fits gently and snugly around her developing little head.

Ted: Then you can duct-tape the baby to your passenger seat and use the carpool lane. A little goatee helps, too.

Brad: It could be Baby Bangs or it could just be an Italian bride's garter. ( rim shot )

Brendon: Makes a pretty cool wristband, too ! Yeah, Slayer rules ! Slayer, Slayer, Slayer !

announcer: Baby Bangs are perfect for keepsake photographs or anytime your baby wants to greet her adoring public in style.

Judy: My baby is so ( bleep ) ugly ! But not anymore ! Look ! Isn't she cute ?

John: What do you think, buddy ? Look at that face.

announcer: Get Baby Bangs at fine gift stores for only $29.95.

woman: She is so precious. And what lovely hair !

woman: Thanks, Baby Bangs !

Wes: Kids, it's never too early to start wearing a toupee. Just ask Leif Garrett.

Leif: Aw, ( bleep ). Forget it, I'm not doing this one.

announcer: Face it. Nobody likes a hairy back. But there's been no easy way to clean it up. Until now ! Introducing the Razorba.

Brad: Now I know what to get Judy for Hanukkah.

Frank: This will be a big seller in the Middle East. The ( bleep ) Iranians will love this ( bleep ).

Mike T.: I don't have time to care about hair being in weird places on my body, I'm a man ! I have machines to build and wild horses to tame.

( horse neighing )

announcer: Razorba is a durable, flexible extender. No need for a new razor, it fits the one you already have.

Daniel: Given that I already wash with a rag on a stick, why not shave with a razor on one ? ( laughing )

Brad: Oh, God ! Oh, I should have just lived with a hairy back !

Mike B.: Who's gonna put aftershave on your back after you do that ?

announcer: This year, get every hard-to-reach place before you go to the beach. No more toxic chemicals. No more asking for help.

Bryan: Thanks, Razorba, now I don't have to ask the lifeguard to shave my back for me.

Marianne: Well, I guess my husband and I will have to figure out another way to bond. Here you go. Have fun.

Leif: If you can't reach your nut sack or your back, I don't think you should be shaving there.

Chelsea: You know, another way for men to rid yourself of back hair is you put Saran Wrap on your living room floor, you cover it in Nair and roll around like a little pig. Or Razorba. Whichever floats your boat.

announcer: Get back at back hair with the Razorba. Order now !

John: I love the Razorba, because chicks dig a hairless back. How'd I do ?

announcer: Next time you're feeling down, feeling that no one really gets you or you're just wanting to hear some encouraging words, well, there's a solution.

man:  That dream you're going for, that career you want, that recognition you're seeking, it is yours !

announcer: The "Cheers to You" CD is eight tracks filled with encouragement and cheering applause.

man:  You can do it. The finish line is closer than you think.

Chuck N.: Just what I need, a CD that lies to me ! Please, I have a wife for that.

man:  We're on your side, we're here for you.

Wes: Finally, something to replace the Jock Jams in my CD player.

man:  You can do it.

commentator: Yeah !

man:  The finish line is closer than you think.

Chuck M.: There's nothing I can't do.

man:  You're doing a great job !

Chuck M.: Nothing can hold me down !

man:  And now success is yours !

Judy: Yeah, like I believe that ( bleep ).

man:  It's all because of your commitment to yourself. You've earned it ! We believe in you !

Kevin: That's probably because you've never met me. If you knew me, you would not believe.

announcer: We guarantee you'll be feeling better about yourself and your life, or we'll give you your money back.

Loni: You wanna feel better about yourself ? Just watch our show.

John: Call me, I'll tell you you're not a piece of ( bleep ). I'll tell you that you are the best guy on the planet. Pay me, I'll tell you anything.

Mike T.: Everyone wants to know what you're talking 'bout.

Todd: This saves me from having to do actually something commendable ! Thanks, "Cheers to You."

( cheers and applause )

Mike T.: Everyone knows you were the better skater and you're prettier, too ! ( cheers and applause ) Uh, nice bandanna ?

( cheers and applause )

announcer: But right now, you can get them for only 24.95. Call now and don't forget...

man:  Hooray for you !

Daisy: Wait a minute. I'm starting to think that the guy on the CD said the same thing to all of those people. I don't feel special.

man:  Hooray for you !

announcer: Feeling slightly chilly ? Left out in the cold ? Well, not anymore. Introducing the carry-able, flexible, multi-wearable Slinky Scarf. It's the scarf that's so versatile, it can be worn as a dress, a halter, a vest and so many more ways.

Daniel: All these different looks from a single garment. Truly, we are living in the future.

Brendon: There's this option, then if you're feeling a little crazy, there's this option.

announcer: Imagine having one accessory that's as light as a feather and can create dozens of styles. You'll love the luxurious Slinky Scarf for any occasion.

Chelsea: Do you want to look like a cheap pillow ? Get over here !

Kevin: It can also be paired with formal wear if you feel like you might be in danger of looking too classy.

Tonya: I kind of look like a shagged carpet, but I don't feel like one.

announcer: There's a Slinky Scarf style just for you. Choose from a wide array of colors to match any outfit from casual to elegant. Wear it any way, any day.

Judy: I can't wait to wear this on my next trip to Afghanistan !

Mike T.: This thing just keeps growing, huh ? It's like coming down a fuzzy birth canal.

Marianne: It could be a dress, it could be a paper towel, it could be-- It could be a noose !

announcer: So go sexy, elegant, casual, and be fabulous.

Brad: You know what's even better than the front ? The back.

( commentator whistling )

Tonya: I gotta have one of these. I think it's sexy looking.

Michael: That's pretty bad-ass.

announcer: It's carry-able, it's flexible, it's multi-wearable. Slinky Scarf.

Billy: Yeah, honey, I'll be done soon. Can you put on the-- Can you put on the scarf for when I come home ? Yeah, with-- with nothing on underneath ?

commentator:  That's not gonna happen.

Billy: Okay. Oh, it was just an idea.

narrator: Coming up: Do you suffer from male urinary inconvenience ?

man: I really gotta go !

narrator: Then you need Stadium Pal !

Chuck N.: The Stadium Pal, it's like a catheter. Well, no, it'-- it's a catheter.

narrator: And...

announcer: It's the perfect gift for the lady who just can't keep the fellas away.

Brad: This takes all the fun out of telling a dude you're a lesbian.

narrator: Plus...

man: Just watch !

narrator: A tool you can't live without.

man: Take the fish and... Voila !

man: The Wunder Boner !

Leif: Okay, I-- Y'know, I heard the name, I got excited, and then I found out what it's for and I got really excited.

narrator: It's all coming up on "The World's Smartest Inventions."

announcer: Your friends are here. Your beer is here. But the restroom is way over there.

man: Dude, I really gotta go. You coming ?

man: No, bro, I'm good.

man: I don't know how you do it, man.

announcer: He does it with Stadium Pal ! Stadium Pal, an amazing new product that lets you go whenever you have to go and nobody has to know. With our unique liquid-transfer technology system, fluid travels down through a sterile tube and into the discreet odor-sealed waste-collection reservoir.

Chuck N.: The Stadium Pal, it's like a catheter. Well, no, it-- it's a catheter.

Ted: If you're calling your urinating receptacle a "pal," your urinating in public might be affecting your social life.

Daniel: What's that, Bill ? You got two tickets for the game ? Hell yeah, I'm in. Let me just strap a pee bag on my leg.

Leif: Oh, my God. I need this for my next drug test. This is perfect. Can I take this home ?

announcer: Stadium Pal comes complete with everything you need, including a size gauge, to make sure you get a snug, drip-free fit.

Mike B.: So you better not leave your Stadium Pal over if a chick comes over, 'cause she gonna look at it and go, oh, he got the little pal.

Brad: Ew ! Ew, it's sticky ! Oh, my God ! It's like a condom that won't go away.

announcer: And now, there's Stadium Gal, too, because the ladies' room line is always longer.

Mike T.: Fantastic. Looks like your vagina's gonna go scuba diving.

Tonya: No. No. No, I'll hold it, thank you.

announcer: So get hassle-free, odor-free Stadium Pal or Stadium Gal.

Danny: Stadium Pal, Stadium Gal. Which one does Judy Gold use ?

announcer: Stadium Pal, keep the party going, even when you're going ?

Frank: Isn't it easier to just go take a piss ? That's what I think. Just saying, you know.

John A.: Hello, my name's John Adrain. Today I'm gonna show you some features of our revolutionary Bed Bunker.

Christina: He seems like he might have an enemy... or 500.

John A.: The Bed Bunker is made in the USA, is a concealed safe that replaces your box springs, fits any standard-size bed.

Chuck N.: You know what else works like a Bed Bunker ? Uh, what are they called ? A safe !

John A.: The multi-locks are the highest security locks available in the industry, the safe holds up to 35 rifles and 70 handguns.

Danny: I've heard of keeping protection by your bedside, but this is ridiculous.

Mike T.: Have a disturbing amount of weapons that you want to keep near you while you sleep to fight off your sleep demons ? We have something for you.

Loni: I wouldn't put guns under there, but I'll probably put some cupcakes.

Frank: I would have had it more for like jewels and diamonds to hide from your wife when she divorces you.

Ted: This would be a great place for Todd's dwarf.

Chuck M.: Todd ! Wait, wait, wait, wait !

John A.: People have asked me, how long does it take to access your Bed Bunker ? It takes less than ten seconds. Guns are right beneath you, so you can access them in a hurry.

Mike B.: What are you gonna tell somebody that's coming to rob you ? Go back 11 seconds and then let's do this again.

John A.: We all want a secure place to store our belongings, now with the Bed Bunker, the safest place to keep your money is the safest place to keep your guns.

Chelsea: This product speaks to me because I already sleep on top of a big pile of guns and money, but I never thought about putting a mattress on top.

announcer: Tired of stretching and straining just for a sip ? Avoid stains like this with the Couch Coozy, the amazing new between-the-cushions cupholder that saves your sofa and your sanity.

Ted: There goes my idea for a disposable couch.

Kevin: You know, I've been saying this for years, is that we need to find a way to make drinking from the couch less physically demanding.

announcer: Stop the struggle and say goodbye to nasty rings. Just attach the fin and slide it in. With Couch Coozy, refreshment is never out of reach.

Mike T.: What looks worse, a stain or a Couch Coozy ? I don't know, I think it's a draw.

Chris: Italian grandmas who are sick of plastic would eat this up.

announcer: And the beverage-leverage technology means your drinks are always safe and secure.

Mike B.: This is perfect if you like to jump on the couch while you watch TV.

announcer: But it gets even better. Tell us why you love your Couch Coozy and you could appear in the next nationwide Couch Coozy commercial.

Frank: What kind of loser, really, would want to be on this infomercial ?

Chuck N.: Once I reached for a drink on the coffee table and boom, my back goes out. No more baby ! Thanks, Couch Coozy !

Kevin: You know, if you combine the Travel Toilet with the Couch Coozy, you might not ever have to leave the couch again.

Leif: Couch Coozy, right ? That's what I'm talking about.

John E.: Listen, you're partying with Loni late at night, you got nowhere to put your drink-- boom !

announcer: Just attach the fin and slide it in so call or go online now to hear what people are saying about Couch Coozy and get your free in-home trial.

Billy: The problem is that a lot of people who would want this product are just too lazy to get up off the couch and order it.

announcer: Ladies, are you sick of getting hit on by losers ?

man: What's up, ladies ?

announcer: At the bar. At the gym. Even at the pool.

Mike T.: Oh, so sorry you've been bothered with the constant attention and free drinks. That must be awful.

announcer: Wear the ring that says you're taken. MsTaken !

Chuck N.: Show me that ring all you want. Now you're just a challenge. I'm like hey.

Bryan: Oh, that woman's married and that's a pretty big diamond so the guy's probably rich. I don't have a chance with that chick.

Roger: I'm sure Stallone has seen this a lot.

announcer: The MsTaken femme fatale ring package comes with a blingin' two-karat Australian crystal.

Wes: Australian crystal ? Uh-uh.

announcer: A sleek key chainring case and a stylish jewelry box that holds it all together.

Brad: Oh, and it comes with a little mirror so that you can look at your lonely, sad face in a bar alone.

announcer: It's the perfect gift for the lady who just can't keep the fellas away.

Marianne: But does it come with a real husband ? Where's the husband ?

announcer: Call the number on your screen. Buy the ring that says you're taken. MsTaken !

Mike T.: Now you can pretend it's your vending machine wedding ring that scares men away, not your ( bleep ) personality.

Brad: This takes all the fun out of telling a dude you're a lesbian.

man: Ugh.

narrator: Tonight, we've seen 19 new inventions.

man: Yeah !

narrator: Each more brilliant than the last.

man:  Hooray for you !

narrator: How did we ever survive without them ?

man: Nice !

narrator: But only one amazing device can stand atop this hallowed heap. The number-one smartest invention of all will be here in all its glory.

Chuck M.: This is the greatest invention ever !

man: Got another one here !

man: Great, got it !

man: Woo-hoo !

man: Yeah !

man: Okay, who wants to clean and de-bone 'em ?

man: I'll do it.

man: What gives ? You want to do it ?

man: Just wait 'til you see what I've got. It's the Wunder Boner.

Tonya: The name could use work. I mean, we're all thinking, okay, what are these guys gonna do with this fish, right ?

man: You just assemble the Wunder Boner's stainless-steel rods like this.

Kevin: Well, the first time I used the Wunder Boner, I remember, I was at the chalkboard in middle school, it was very embarrassing. Oh, a different thing ?

man: You take the fish, you find the top of the spine and you slide it through the ring on the Wunder Boner, and... Voila !

Leif: Okay, you know, I heard the name, I got excited, and then I found out what it's for and I got really excited.

man: The Wunder Boner.

man: My wife would like that.

Chuck N.: I bet your wife would like that. I mean, de-boned fish, of course.

Loni: This dude has a wife ? Wow. That's a wonder.

Judy: Yeah, she's playing with the Wunder Boner right now while you're out fishing with your friends, okay ?

announcer: Why go through the hassle of de-boning a fish the old-fashioned way ? The Wunder Boner makes de-boning fish this easy.

Chelsea: This is great for when I am de-boning some char white fish or salmon, which is something I never do.

man: I think the Wunder Boner's a winner.

man: So, Dave, where did you get the Wunder Boner ?

Dave: It's funny you should ask.

Michael: You got three dudes alone on a fishing trip. This is more like "Deliverance."

announcer: Order your Wunder Boner now for only $19.95.

Brad: If you could really get a Wunder Boner for $19.95, I would never leave my house.

Dave: Just wait 'til you see what I've got. It's the Wunder Boner.

( belching )

Danny: Wow.

Frank: Excuse me, you talking to me ?

Brendon: I've been "nipple-eyes'd."

Marianne: See you in a couple minutes !

( Loni laughing )

Judy: Hi, I'm here for the job interview ?

Ted: You want a beer ?

Brad: Oh, no, you're a baby !

Judy: I'm here for the parent-teacher conference.

Billy: Okay. So far so good. Wait a minute. Oh ! Ran right into traffic.