Worlds Smartest Inventions 9 transcript

narrator: Sit back and relax.

commentator: Ah...

narrator: We've got an offer on the 20 most amazing inventions ever.

( commentator grunting )

narrator: From things you never knew you needed...

woman: This new invention is hot !

narrator: ... to stuff you can't live without. Plus, what is this guy selling ? And, why is he using it to do this ? Act right now and we'll throw in a free celebrity cast.

Todd: Finally ! My crotch is the center of attention !

narrator: "truTV Presents: World's Smartest Inventions" and it all starts now.

woman: Yes !

Closed Captions Provided by truTV

man: Tired of boring parties ? Fed up with the same old party drinks ? Introducing Suck & Blow, the interactive Jell-O shot that takes two to do. One person sucks; the other blows.

commentator: Yeah !

man: Stop fumbling with those cumbersome cups. Suck & Blow Jell-O shooters are the "funnest" way to do a party shot ever.

The Greg: Finally ! The fun way to get mouth herpes.

man: Whether you're at home or out for a night on the town, this is the perfect way to get the party started.

commentator: Come on, do it.

man: I don't know, my jaw hurts. I used to do that when we were dating, but I don't want to...

man: Suck & Blow Jell-O shooters come in six great flavors: orange, cherry, watermelon, green apple and wild berry.

Billy: Wild berry is always a flavor to be weary of. It's too generic.

Jaime: I make virgin Suck & Blows for the kids. Hey, kids, who wants to suck and blow ?

commentator: Yeah !

Mike: This whole thing sucks and blows.

man: So I know how you've been saying we need to work on our relationship--

woman: Does this mean you're going to therapy ?

man: Close. I got Suck & Blow shots. We do 'em together.

man: Suck & Blow. Number one for Jell-O shot fun.

narrator: Everyone uses the bathroom, and there are a number of great inventions to help enhance that experience. You can practice your golf game...

man: Yes.

narrator: ... make wiping a whole lot easier...

woman: Comfort Wipe, the sanitary paper extension arm and holder.

narrator: ... and even make the world your toilet.

man: Bumper Dumper. Now you can go when you're on the go.

narrator: But when it comes to sheer efficiency and comfort, nothing beats the invention at number 19.

man: The following is a paid announcement for Squatty Potty: The stool that helps you poop the way nature intended you to.

man: You wanna know the truth about your toilet. It's not helping you do what you go there to do. What you go there to do is number two. Cavemen, aborigines, American Indians-- they all squatted.

Billy: If only I could live more like a caveman, an aborigine or an American Indian. Those people have really got it all.

man: In 1978, President Carter came down with a nasty case of hemorrhoids. He said, "It hurts to go. Me, me-- me 'hurty.'"

Jared: Jimmy Carter generally didn't speak like a toddler that had some sort of recent concussion.

man: When a proctologist was asked what caused his nasty hemorrhoids, he said, "We weren't meant to sit on the toilet; we were meant to squat in the field."

Mike T.: You know what really caused Carter's hemorrhoids ? A guy by the name of Ronald Regan.

man: The Squatty Potty's simple but unique design allows you to continue to use your convenient sitting toilet while enjoying the health benefits of the squatting toilet.

man: This is great because it brings all the fun of ( bleep ) in the woods into your house.

( man chuckling )

man: Ever feel like maybe you didn't quite get it all ? The reason is simple. The anal canal is kinked when in a seated position. But when you squat, the canal straighten out, making doing your business a lot easier and cleaner.

Loni: Who wants to do yoga and crap at the same time ?

woman: Whoa ! That is coming right out. Whoo ! God, this is comfortable.

man: Doctors say that sitting in the squatting position can help increase the size of your bowel movement.

commentator: Aww...

Jared: Okay, who left this on my doorstep ?

man: After you're done, simply place your feet on the floor and slide the stool under the toilet. Squatty Potty makes doing your business easier, cleaner and healthier.

man: So get your Squatty Potty today.

Chris: Just stack some books. That's what I'm gonna do. Stole your invention. Sue me.

man: Your pet has always been an important part of your family. You've built so many lasting memories together. But our special friends pass on too soon, and when they leave, it feels like a part of the family is gone.

Billy: Except the ones who can't stop barking and eating things and throwing up. They don't pass on soon enough.

man: Now there's a truly special way to honor the memory of your cherished dog or cat with the new Lasting Memory Paw.

Chris: It's a plastic kitty paw tombstone.

Jared: Death is a part of life, and now you can teach your children to be eerily obsessed with it.

man: This beautiful, personalized memorial contains a weather-resistant photo holder that displays any picture of your cherished dog or cat-- indoors or outdoors.

Mike T.: Before I was sad, but this fixes it, I guess.

man: Each Lasting Memory Paw is specially inscribed with this touching poem: Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow.

Jared: Why are the tears secret ?

man: What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know.

man: Yeah, they know now because they got a big ( bleep ) claw that says it.

man: Place it at the front door to remember your loyal friend every time you come home.

Todd: My favorite part of the day is spending five seconds thinking about my dead dog, right before I come through the door. That's "me" time.

man: There's no better gift for someone who has lost her best friend-- a gesture she will cherish for years to come.

woman: ( crying ) This is so ugly.

man: It even comes with a hook that lets you proudly hang your beautiful inscribed memorial on any wall.

Mike T.: I knew we were keeping this wall totally bare for something.

man: The Lasting Memory Paw will last a lifetime.

woman: Unlike your pet.

man: Call now to order your own Lasting Memory Paw for just 19.99.

Brad: Oh, look, we even got one for Leif. Oh, Leif Garrett, gone too soon.

Leif: How many times do I have to tell you guys I'm not dead ?

narrator: Coming up...

woman: Wow, that's cold !

narrator: Heat for your seat. Plus, a facial treatment so good, it's scary. And later, how could this shopping bag save your life ? Find out, when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

woman: It's the call of nature that wakes you up. But the real eye-opener ? That happens the moment you sit down.

commentator: Wow, that's cold.

woman: Introducing the Toastie Tush. Never sit on a cold toilet seat again. The Toastie Tush is an innovative toilet-seat warmer that works with your existing round or elongated toilet seat.

Chris: No. This is a white-trash heating pad for your ass.

woman: This water-repellent cover encapsulates a heating element that transfers warmth to the seat when the lid is down.

Jared: And Toastie Tush is great for making paninis.

woman: The Toastie Tush is easy to install, easy to clean and luxurious to own.

woman: What I respect and admire is how subtle this lady's acting is.

( commentator laughing )

Chelsea: She's a natural and she doesn't have to push it at all.

woman: It features three adjustable heat settings. And it's UL-listed safe.

Brad: It worries me that we have safety regulations for heated toilet seats.

Mike T.: Oh, this is great. I can plug it right into the outlet behind my toilet. Y'know, the one that everyone has.

woman: Other heated toilet seats cost between 90 and $900.

Billy: Look, I don't care what it costs. I need a heated toilet seat.

woman: But the Toastie Tush is only 39.95. The Toastie Tush. You'll never want to "go"without it.

Mike B.: You know what I say to Toastie Tush ? I say, just go sit your ass down.

woman: Order now.

( toilet flushing )

woman: Embarrassed by unsightly pores ? Tired of wasting money on expensive spa treatments ? Now you can enjoy the full spa experience right in the comfort of your own home. Introducing the Aluminum Facial Spa.

Mike T.: Well, isn't this a nightmare-come-to-life.

Billy: I'd like some fava beans. ( slurping )

woman: It's simple. Just slip the mask over your face and fasten the Velcro strap. In just minutes, you'll feel invigorated as soothing heat penetrates your pores, just like a steam facial.

Brad: It helps rejuvenate your skin by re-creating the sensation of being buried alive.

woman: Made from a patented aluminum and polyethylene foam, the Aluminum Facial Spa is designed to release toxins and cleanse the pores while moisturizing the skin.

The Greg: Nothing moisturizes like aluminum. You'll feel "recycle-ably" fresh.

woman: Use the Aluminum Facial Spa while on the computer, reading a book or doing nothing at all.

woman: Honey, can you cancel my facial ?

commentator: I don't know. Can I ?

woman: You will die !

commentator: Just kidding, I'll call.

woman: Some spa treatments can cost hundreds, even thousands of dollars a year, but order now and the Aluminum Facial Spa can be yours for just 29.99. Order your Aluminum Facial Spa today.

Mike T.: Does it come with a "safe" word ?

man: Natural disasters can occur anywhere, at any time. But Japanese scientists have found a way to protect your head. Grappa. Grappa is a reusable eco-friendly shopping bag which also doubles as a helmet in case of natural disaster or earthquake.

Mike T.: I love shopping and I love living, so this is perfect.

man: To use, place the bag over the head and close the snap.

Jaime: At least when you look stupid, you'll already have a bag over your head.

man: Grappa offers a degree of protection during emergency situations.

commentator: It'll keep your head safe-- See ?

Jared: Grappa is great for rockslides, meteor showers, Godzilla attacks and other everyday occurrences.

Brendon: You know what might work better than your bag helmet ? Just get under that table there that you have all the bag helmets on.

man: Grappa is the size of a small umbrella when folded so it can be carried in a bag.

woman: Oh, my God, it's a natural disaster. Let me get this water, food, flashlights out of this bag and put...

man: The Grappa retails for 1,280 yen for the drawstring bag and 980 yen for the tote.

Kevin: That's a great deal ! Maybe. I have no idea what a yen is.

man: Everyone should carry the Grappa. It will protect you and your children.

Brad: Hey, kids, don't forget your "happy fun time death emergency shopping bag" mask.

Loni: I can use this to protect my weave when it rains.

man: Get Grappa today.

man: Our Two Handed Great Sword is the biggest sword we make. But don't let its size fool you, as there's nothing awkward or clumsy about this awesome sword.

man: The sword world continues to overlook the efficiency and power and majesty of this Great Sword. It was built by Cold Steel. It'll hold its own cutting of any sword in the world.

woman: I knight thee a loser.

Brendon: Why invest all that money in the castle set when you're just gonna dress business casual for the presentation ?

man: ( bleep ) balloon didn't have a chance.

( commentator grunting )

woman: Herb, can't we have one normal barbecue ?

Todd: I need this. My two biggest hobbies are amateur butchering and ruining birthday parties.

man: Look how thick that comb is on that bamboo. Even thicker here. It's no match for the Great Sword, though.

Loni: We need our garbage can.

Mike B.: Y'know, I'm not gonna buy one of these but if I'm ever attacked by blocks of ice or buckets with blue liquid in it, I'm gonna wish I would've.

commentator: ( grunting ) Mm-hmm.

Mike T.: Man, I gotta tell you, lately, cutting pig faces in half has been a chore.

Jaime: Uh, hi. Sorry to interrupt. Have you seen my pet pig ? He's always running off. Never mind. I'll... go.

( pig squealing )

Jared: Order now and get our entire book of pig's head recipes: pig's head stew, pig's head cider, pig's head sandwiches. You'll make a dozen pig's head delights.

man: Put one of these by your front door and you're gonna be a power to reckon with. No one is gonna be able to take advantage of you when you have a Great Sword in your house.

John: Do you know how long it takes to swing a six-pound sword ?

man: What more can I do to convince you to buy a Great Sword ?

Leif: I want one. It's the Viking in me.

man: Buy Cold Steel's Great Sword. I promise you, you'll never regret it, you'll praise my name. You're gonna love this sword.

Mike T.: Hey, check me out. I'm like "Game Of Thrones." Except not the dwarf.

woman: I like the dwarf.

Kevin: Oh, nuts, he's got the Two Handed Sword. I'm gonna look stupid with this piece of crap.

narrator: Coming up: A pump to clean your rump.

man: Wipe Aide, the new toilet paper moistener.

narrator: And... a new way to hold your calls.

commentator: Oh, my baby.

narrator: Plus... everybody's got one. Find out what it is when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

man: Everyone wants to be clean and fresh. Introducing Wipe Aide, the new toilet paper moistener. Simply push down on the aerated top and Wipe Aide evenly dispenses a mild cleansing solution onto your toilet paper.

The Greg: 'Cause nothing holds together like wet toilet paper.

man: Wipe Aide makes your toilet paper more effective and you'll enjoy a more soothing, cleansing experience.

Ted: It's not just water in a bottle. It's an entire ass-wetting lifestyle system.

man: Wipe Aide is so easy to use, you just flip up the top and then push down with your normal amount of bath tissue. It's so convenient that it can be placed just about anywhere.

Jamie: You might as well just have a sign above the toilet that says, "We have no shame."

man: And since Wipe Aide works with your toilet paper, of course it's flushable. Stop ! Don't flush wet wipes down the toilet. Wet wipes can clog your toilet and lead to costly plumbing repairs.

Mike T.: That guy sucks at using a plunger. I didn't even know that was something you could be bad at but here we are.

man: To get started, just unscrew the top. Fill with one-half liter of distilled or purified water-- be sure not to use tap water.

Judy: Wait, so I can drink the tap water but I can't put it on my ass.

man: Add just one pump of liquid hand soap, screw the top back on, and Wipe Aide is ready to go.

The Greg: Or you could just add some water to a nearly empty soap dispenser and that would probably make a lot more sense.

man: We love our Wipe Aide.

woman: It works great.

Chelsea: We love to wipe, almost as much as hold our arms at our sides, woodenly.

man: Keep yourself and the environment clean and fresh. Buy Wipe Aide today. You'll love it.

Mike T.: ( laughing ) This picnic is so much better now that you've cleaned your ass correctly.

Gary: I think Wipe Aide is okay but it's nothing to be celebrating or worshipping. Let nature take its course and you'll be clean. Just let it happen.

man: Order your Wipe Aide today.

woman: From Japanese laboratories comes a new device that promises to revolutionize how we communicate.

commentator: Ah, I love when you talk to me so much. Yeah.

woman: It's called the Hugvie. Simply insert your mobile phone into the pocket and the Hugvie will translate the emotions of the caller's voice into physical form.

commentator: Hello. I'm here.

Todd: I used to hate talking on the phone, but thanks to this old beanbag ghost over here, I'm a regular chatterbox.

woman: The Hugvie contains two vibrators to replicate human heartbeat.

commentator: Oh, my baby.

Kevin: I thought one of the positive things about vibrators was that you didn't have to worry about their emotions.

woman: The speed and intensity of the Hugvie's heartbeat changes, depending on the volume and mood of the caller.

Chelsea: I'm too rhythmic for that-- I'd start dancing.

woman: Use Hugvie at home when relaxing...

commentator: Ahh...

woman: ... or at work for maximum stress relief.

Ted: Uh-huh. Well, if this is an attempt to collect a debt, why are you sexually throbbing ?

man: It's not only for families and lovers, it's also for seniors.

Danny: I don't want a vibrator to have anything to do with a phone call to my dad.

man: We could build in lots of vibrators and special sensors so that when you hug it, the other person's robot moves as well.

Mike T.: You guys see the baby ghosts too, right ? Oh, you do ? Thank God. Oh, man, I almost had a total freak out.

John: Yes, I missed you.

Tonya: Hey, why does this thing sound so muffled ?

John: Oh, sorry.

Tonya: Perv.

man: In today's modern world, you never know who's watching.

commentator: Mm-hmm.

man: Peeping Toms can easily transform your front door into a peeper's paradise.

commentator: And... Ahh... Oh, yeah.

man: Now you can block would-be peepers with the peeperSTOPPER.

commentator: Hey.

man: The latest in privacy protection.

Brendon: I have a question. Where can I get one of those reverse-peephole things ? I want a peeper starter.

Jared: I showed this to my seven-year-old and she agrees, it is the worst cartoon ever.

man: With the simple push of a button, the peeperSTOPPER prevents anyone from reversing your peephole.

Ted: I thought this was the point of the original peepholes.

man: The peeperSTOPPER is a must for hotels, apartments and dorm rooms.

Brad: Who wants a peeperSTOPPER ? When I check into a hotel, I take the door off the hinges and put up a turnstile.

man: peeperSTOPPER installs in minutes. Simply screw the backing plate over the peephole and press the peeperSTOPPER into place.

Judy: Wait, so all I need are, like, two screws, then I'll drill them into the door and then I attach this ? That's so convenient.

man: Don't be a victim.

commentator: Oh, God.

man: Order your peeperSTOPPER today for just 16.99.

Kevin: You know what else works for this ? A piece of tape.

John: How about some gum ?

Leif: Just a little piece of Kleenex stuck in there.

Judy: A Post-it note.

Chelsea: I'll use toilet paper, duct tape, masking tape. Just paper. Pretty much anything that's all free.

woman: Nothing is more attractive than a healthy golden tan and a brilliant white smile. And now you can get both at the same time with Twilight Teeth. The original whiten-while-you-tan-teeth whitening system.

Marianne: I like to bruise my lips open and really get that glow-in-the-dark fresh look.

woman: Twilight Teeth uses the heat and UV light of your tanning session to accelerate the whitening process.

Chris: We all know nothing's more attractive than a white smile. Now, nothing's less attractive than acquiring it.

woman: For whitening results you'll notice after just one session, Twilight Teeth is safe and easy to use.

Todd: Your teeth look great. Did they get a tan ?

woman: It includes a one-size-fits-all mouthpiece and our exclusive no-rinse formula platinum 25 whitening gel.

Jaime: And the mouthpiece is one size tortures all.

woman: No time to tan ? No problem. Your order even includes this safe and effective Twi-light at no extra charge, for fast whitening at home.

woman: I'm sorry, I have no time to tan. I've got to read a magazine and watch some TV.

woman: Save time, save money and try tanning again with Twilight Teeth.

Chelsea: Save time, save money, save everyone from ever wanting to date you.

narrator: Coming up: No hands, no problem. man: The body cooler that will have you saying, "So what it's hot."

narrator: And... a shocking solution to excess body hair. When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

woman: Weather got your temperature rising ? Wish you had an easy way to stay cool and hydrated ? Do you ever say, "Man, it's hot" ?

man: Introducing SWIH, the all-purpose personal water-bottle holder and body cooler that will have you saying, "So what it's hot." SWIH is available in three sizes, allowing you to choose how you wish to wear the SWIH-- as a neck wrap, headband, or sweatband.

Mike T.: Or just carry it in your hand and drink it gradually. That might cool you off too.

man: If you choose to wear your SWIH as a neck wrap, place the half-liter bottle in the bottle holder. Position the bottle at the back of your neck and fasten the Velcro closure at the front of your neck.

Chris: Wow, I didn't know that alien cyborgs could make earthly inventions.

man: Be sure that the SWIH is well secured with the bottle snug at the back of the neck. With the band fixed to the proper tension, you should be able to fit one to two fingers under the neck band.

woman: I like autoerotic asphyxiation as much as the next guy, but afterwards, I'm thirsty.

man: Refrigerate or even freeze your bottle ahead of time and the SWIH becomes a convenient body cooler.

woman: The SWIH is made from an eco-friendly bamboo fabric that's both hypoallergenic--

Mike T.: Really, commercial ? You're gonna bring out the Asian girl to tell me about bamboo ? So what it's racist.

man: Whether you're working up a sweat or just working in the yard, the SWIH offers a convenient hands-free way to keep cool and refreshed. So when everyone else is sweating, you'll be able to say...

all: So what it's hot.

man: Order your SWIH today.

Brad: Hold on, I want a sip of water. Just... just one-- Ow, ow ! Hold on, no ! I just-- I'm taking a water break ! It's efficient !

woman: Decorating your home builds Christmas excitement for your whole family. But putting up decorations takes so much time. It's sometimes dangerous and can send your electric bill through the roof.

Jared: Putting up Christmas decorations is a living hell that will slaughter your family.

woman: Introducing Door Delights. Decorations like never before. They're the ultimate magnetic holiday decor.

Chelsea: And somehow you end up with the saddest garage ever.

woman: Magnets are easy and quick. There are no tools, no expensive electricity, no scary heights.

Brad: Now you can make the outside of your house look just as tacky as the inside.

woman: It's easy enough for young kids to help. A family delight.

Jamie.: We did it ! We put magnets on a magnetic surface.

woman: Door Delights will make you feel proud. Your garage door will draw a crowd. Your family will love coming home to it every day. Neighbors will be in awe of your garage decor.

Michael: I would change those letters every night. If my neighbors did that, I'd be like, "Welcome home. I'm gonna kill you."

woman: Door Delights are not available in stores. This offer may never be repeated, so order now.

man: First we were slaves to shaving, then we were martyrs to painful hot wax, then came electrolysis-- both painful and expensive. But now there's the ePen by Elysee Electro-- the amazing new hair-removal pen proven to painlessly and permanently erase unwanted hair, once and for all. Guaranteed.

Todd: Pretty soon, women will barely be gross at all.

man: ePen sends a gentle current of energy down to the root of the hair that painlessly and permanently removes the whole hair, including its cell, so hair can never ever grow back again.

Mike T.: Life sure is good for me, being a hair on a rich lady's upper lip. Oh, no !

man: Imagine never having to wax or shave again.

Brendon: Yeah, get your legs all smooth so middle-aged dudes can rub all over them.

man: We shaved under one arm and used ePen on the other, and, look, three months later, the hair is still gone. Amazing.

Jaime: How much do they have to pay you to not shave an armpit for three months ?

man: We tested ePen against the competition and, look, it's more effective than any of these products on the market.

man: I hate having hair on my back, but since I've used ePen over six months ago, the hair is still gone.

Mike B.: How in the hell do you use the ePen on your back ? You need an eFriend.

man: No more pain, no more hair growing back.

Chelsea: I knew I had seen this product before. It was in Brendon Walsh's bathroom. He said he uses it on his bikini area.

Daisy: You know who really likes ePen ? The dude from Great Sword. He used it to de-hair his pig.

man: Not available in stores. To erase unwanted hair forever, order the ePen today.

Mike T.: You know how you have all that hair on your face and I say I don't notice ? Well, I'm a liar. Boom, ePen.

Jamie: That's funny. I got one for your back and ass and toe knuckles.

girl: My neck hurts.

woman: So summer has started. Dreading wearing your favorite summer wardrobe-- the pain from the knot at the back of your neck. One of our top inventors struggled with this, and, to our amazement, she came up with... the Knot You. This machine-safe, reusable, reversible Knot You will relieve you from knot pain all summer long.

Chelsea: This is just glamour. Glamour, glamour, glamour. Glamour up the wazoo !

Judy: Garment must be worn tight to get maximum relief from knot. Yeah, that's why the knot hurts 'cause the garment is tight.

Daisy: The Knot You is perfect for hanging out at the beach or just running down a deserted alleyway.

woman: So play your favorite sport... play all day, party all night, pain free.

Mike T.: What was that, a "last seen" photo in the middle of that ?

woman: So play your favorite sport. Play all day, party all night, pain free. Accessorize your summer wardrobe. A woman's must-have.

Brendon: I have a solution, ladies. Don't wear tops at all.

woman: You're not going to want to leave home without one.

woman: Who's got knot pain ?

women: Knot You !

Todd: Bikinis also make my swim trunks fit funny. Got anything for that ?

women: Knot You !

narrator: Coming up: A claw for your balls ?

woman: Tired of loose balls on the floor ? Well, not anymore.

narrator: And, a solution to your drinking problem.

woman: Are you kidding me ?

narrator: Plus, you won't believe what this cheeky invention can do... when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

David: Hi, my name is David Kowlessar, and I'm the inventor of this nifty new product called the Sip & Dip Cookie Dipper. No more sticky fingers, no more soggy cookie. With the Sip & Dip Cookie Dipper it's simply fun.

Kevin: Finally, now we're to a point where our inventors are inventing problems to invent inventions for.

David: After watching my three-year-old niece try and have milk and cookie, it was a daunting task. Soggy cookies at the bottom of the milk and the milk is everywhere.

Billy: The nightmare scenario here, the milk spilling, that may be a little overstated.

Brad: You don't put your whole hand in a glass. You go two fingers first and then ease in.

David: Simply take your favorite cookie, place it in the cookie basket--

Jared: My favorite cookie ? Okay, well, I happen to enjoy these black-and-white cookies, so I'll just...

David: Take your Cookie Dipper and submerge it into a cold glass of milk. You can sip your milk while your cookies are getting dunked. After six seconds, simply remove the Cookie Dipper--

Chelsea: Ah, sir, could you have a weirder vibe ?

David: ... and take your favorite cookie... and enjoy. It's a perfectly dunk cookies. No more sticky finger, no more soggy cookies.

Mike T.: First of all, you're still using your fingers. Second of all, the soggy cookie is the whole point of milk and cookies. And third, someone get me a ( bleep ) cookie ! It's all I can think about. Thank you. Jeez...

Sam: Hi, I'm Sam. I wanna introduce you to Hand Shield. Amazing skin protection.

man: Hand Shield is a revolutionary new way to protect your hands without gloves.

Sam: Now all you need is just a little bit of Hand Shield on your hands, which continues to protect and shield for four to six hours, even with repeated washing.

Chelsea: I just love that this guy is standing in an incredibly echo-y room, wearing a fluorescent vest. That alone, I'm sold.

Sam: Now I'm going to actually show you the amazing protective characteristics of Hand Shield. I'm now about to put this hydrochloric acid onto aluminum foil.

Brendon: Oh, it eats right through "alum-in-ium" ?

Sam: And now I'm gonna put hydrochloric acid onto my skin. You can see it fuming. As it burns through the aluminum foil, the hydrochloric acid is still in my hands and I feel absolutely no burning sensation.

Jared: Hand Shield is great for people who have to regularly handle hazardous chemicals, but refuse to buy gloves.

Sam: You wanna see something amazing ? I've been doing this demonstration while I've been standing in hydrochloric acid. Come down and see.

Todd: I've been in acid this whole time. And on it, too.

Sam: Now I'm gonna step out of this tank, onto this concrete block, and, as you can see, it's bubbling away. And I felt no burning sensation.

John: How does it work on gonorrhea and syphilis ? 'Cause I could save a fortune in condoms.

Sam: And there it is. The skin's still intact.

Loni: Mm-mm. No, I'm gonna still use gloves.

Sam: Hand Shield. An amazing product.

man: The following is a paid advertisement.

Chrisdine: Hello, and welcome to Home Organizer. I'm your host, Chrisdine King. Today, we have some exciting new inventions guaranteed to keep your home clutter free.

all: Yeah !

Chrisdine: Our first product looks like a simple rubber square, but as you're about to see, it's so much more than that.

man: Is a cluttered desk stressing you out ? Relax. You can now organize your desk and your life. Introducing Facemate, the "must-have" accessory for your flat-screen monitor.

Todd: Who are you quoting exactly ?

man: The Impex International award-winning product that keeps your important items in your sight on your mind and your desk free of clutter. Facemate hugs your monitor's frame like a skin. Easy to put on, easy to use. Facemate is a sleek way to keep your monitor clean and makes falling sticky notes a thing of the past.

Ted: This is nothing more than a simple computer bra.

woman: I love the fact that when I put business cards, sticky notes, pictures in the Facemate, they stay put.

Brad: Oh, wait, those are already in my computer, 'cause it's a computer and it's not 1982.

man: You've got nothing to lose but the clutter. Order your Facemate today.

Chrisdine: If you're like me, you're always looking for ways to keep your bedroom neat and tidy. I know, seems impossible, right ? Well, not if you've got one of these.

man: Do you suffer from sock stress disorder ?

Marianne: I just can't focus today. I'm so stressed out about my socks ! Ahh !

boy: Sockitumi.

man: Sort and grab sport socks, dress socks and other items instantly with this unique organizer.

boy: Sockitumi.

Chris: If only there was some sort of a vending machine that could give me my socks so I don't have to open a drawer.

man: The time-saver, space-saver stress buster.

group: Sockitumi !

Todd: Stop yelling at me. Sock it to yourself.

Chrisdine: Finally, if you've got kids, you probably have more sports equipment than you know what to do with. Well, this little contraption is just what you need to help keep their gear from going out of bounds.

man: Do you usually toss those sports balls anywhere in the garage, only to end up searching for them later on ? Now you can give them a home of their own with the revolutionary Ball Claw.

Daisy: You know what, I thought this was gonna be scarier. It's just a claw that holds balls.

man: Ball Claw is a convenient storage system that keeps all your sports balls off the floor. Organize and easy to find.

Jaime: For those of you who are really balls to the wall.

man: Ball Claw installs quickly and easily to almost any flat surface. Its unique three-prong design hugs the ball tightly so it won't slip out. Ball Claw, a truly one-of-a-kind gift for the sports fan that has everything.

Brad: I'm sure if you ask the sports fan who has everything, he'd still just want Super Bowl tickets, not this.

man: It keeps all your sports balls off the floor with the revolutionary Ball Claw.

Chrisdine: Well, that's all the time we have for today. We'll see you next time. Until then, organize, simplify and have a great life. Goodnight.

man: Has this ever happen to you ? You leave your drink in the refrigerator, and once you're gone, your roommates help themselves to it ?

Brendon: Do you have a problem with crappy improv troupes trying to steal your beverages ?

Ted: The Beverage Lock Players did not give me a part in the troupe this year. But I think if I work on my sideways shimmy and my exaggerated eye rolls I will make it in.

woman: Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me ?

man: Introducing Beverage Lock, the safe and secure way to make sure your drink doesn't mysteriously disappear.

Leif: I got an idea for a beverage lock-- Touch my ( bleep ) again, I'll freaking kill you.

woman: Yes !

man: The Beverage Lock fits over the top of any can or bottle and only opens if you have the key.

Jared: This is my car, my house... and this is a Diet Dr. Pepper.

man: Huh ?

man: God, if we only had a knife to open this... or a dollar to buy another one.

Chris: Here's a solution: Don't live with people that are jerks.

Kevin: Who the hell sat around and thought of this idea ? And secondly, more importantly, who's the idiot that encouraged them ?

man: Never be the victim of refreshment theft again. Get your beverage lock today.

Danny: You think a Beverage Lock is gonna stop me from drinking somebody else's stuff ? ( burping ) Awesome.

narrator: You've just been wowed by 19 of the world's most genius creations...

commentator: Oh, my baby.

narrator: ... but the most brilliant brainchild is still to come. Find out what it is... when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

narrator: Japan is known for its rich history, unique cuisine, and advances in technology. It's also home to some very interesting inventions designed to relieve your stress...

woman: Electronic ears manipulated by your mind.

narrator: ... help you look younger...

woman: Face Slimmer will vanish saggy-face skin.

narrator: ... and avoid embarrassment.

woman: Simply press the button twice and the Eco-Otome re-creates the sound of flushing water.

narrator: Which brings us to the number-one moment on our countdown.

announcer: The world of robotics is forever changed. Introducing Shiri, the first buttocks humanoid.

Mike T.: There's no going back now, science.

announcer: Shiri is capable of expressing various emotions with organic movement.

Billy: I think these are the most lifelike buttocks emotions I've ever seen.

Brad: Does it also come with a free AMBER Alert in your area ?

announcer: Emotions such as tension, twitch, and protrusion were added to Shiri.

Jared: It shivers and makes a loud clicking sound. Y'know, like a human butt would.

announcer: Shiri is able to recognize various emotions by the tension, twitch and protrusion type patterns.

Judy: Oh, my God. I do that with my ass, too.

announcer: The project has two main points. First. Shiri is a major advancement... in replicating the entire human body. Secondly, it explores the emotional reaction... between man and robot.

Billy: That's your second main point ? You got a grant for that ?

Jared: People are going to have sex with it. Just be ready for that.

announcer: Notice Shiri's reactions upon first contact.

( commentator grunting )

Mike T.: Notice what ? It's just sitting there. What's the ass suppose to do when you slap it, say, "Thank you" ?

Kevin: I got scared. That's my emotion.

announcer: The user may notice Shiri bracing after feeling a slap.

Danny: I feel like he should be slapping his ass in private.

announcer: Shiri, the expression of the humanoid robot.

Leif: I'll take seven.

man: Get your Squatty Potty today.

man: Sockitumi !

man: Introducing Wipe Aide.

woman: It's called the Hugvie.

man: Honor the memory of your cherished dog or cat with the new Lasting Memory Paw.

man: Ball Claw, a truly one-of-a-kind gift for the sports fan that has everything.

man: Now there's the ePen by Elysee Electro.

all: So what it's hot.

man: Suck & Blow Jell-O shooters come in six great flavors.

man: Introducing Beverage Lock.