Worlds Smartest Inventions 10 transcript

man: You're about to be

mesmerized.

all: Fushigi.

narrator: We're going to

blow you away...

with 20 of the most amazing inventions ever seen on TV.

woman: It's revolutionary.

narrator: From products you can get behind...

man: It's called My Booty Belt.

narrator: ... to discoveries that will blow your mind.

man: ( speaking Korean ) Ace Power.

narrator: Plus, wanna know what this thing's for ? You won't believe it. Featuring inventive insight from our infamous cast.

Leif: Thank freakin' God !

narrator: And if you watch right now, we'll throw in two bonus inventions.

woman: Two bonus inventions ? What a ( bleep ) great deal !

narrator: truTV presents... "World's Smartest Inventions." And it all starts... ( commentator whistling ) ... now.

woman: Down, boy.

( toilet flushing )

Closed Captions Provided by truTV

narrator: Our countdown begins at night-night time.

announcer: If your child's afraid of the dark, the whole family loses sleep. You could use a nightlight, but here's something that's fun. Give them a pillow, a pillow that lights up. It's the Bright Light Pillow. It's a real pillow that lights up.

Billy: My kid used to be afraid of the dark and now he's afraid of his pillow.

announcer: Its 24 LED lights provide soothing perfect light for 15 minutes, and then automatically shuts itself off.

Chuck: Quite frankly, I don't lose sleep over my kids having nightmares. That's a mommy job.

announcer: Bright Light Pillows are available in two fun shapes: the pink beating heart with pulsing red LED lights, and the starlight square.

man: Oh, what's wrong, little guy, scared of the dark ? Here, have a glowing demon heart. Parenting is easy.

announcer: Your Bright Light Pillow changes colors automatically-- from red, blue, white, green, yellow. It's a light show in a pillow. But the Bright Light Pillow is not just for little kids.

man: Ooh, I love taking ecstasy and rubbing soft things that light up. Whoa... I didn't know you were gonna be home so soon. Go to your room. Oh, I mean, I'll get out of your room. Sorry.

announcer: You can call now to get your very own Bright Light Pillow for 19.99.

Chelsea: But that's one penny less than the ridiculously high price of $20.

announcer: Must be 18 or older to order. Here's how to get yours.

Jared: Having a hard time sleeping ? Make it impossible with Bright Lights.

Terry: Hi, I'm Terry. And like most of you moms, I find laundry to be a never-ending chore.

woman: Hi, I'm Terry. I hate laundry, which is why I'm dressed like Bea Arthur right now.

Terry: And doing socks, they're the worst. No matter how hard I try, I always lose one. It's like someone wants me to waste more time trying to find that lost sock.

man: Oh, that's actually me. I want you to waste more time with that sock. I'm Kevin, nice to meet you.

Terry: Doing laundry would be so much less frustrating if I never had to worry about sorting or matching my family's socks.

( groaning )

man: Oh, yeah, does this one go with this one ? I don't even know any more ! I'm gonna burn the whole house down !

Terry: Then one day, it came to me. The solution to this mystery of lost socks-- a snap. Now laundry's a snap with Pair-A-Keets. Just like the birds themselves, they keep their mate forever.

man: They're called Pair-A-Keets 'cause of the word "pair" in it. The "keets" doesn't mean ( bleep ).

announcer: They come out of the dryer just the way they went in, as a pair. The snap is strategically placed to be hidden and comfortable.

Brad: That's the invention.

announcer: Introducing Pair-A-Keets. The Pair-A-Keet trademark secret is a single snap that allows you, your husband, your children, to simply snap your socks together before putting them in the laundry basket.

woman: Really, Terry ? You think my kids are gonna ( bleep ) snap their ( bleep ) socks together ?

announcer: Kids love them too. And they feel like they're actually helping Mom.

Terry: I used to hate coming into this laundry room. But not any more. Laundry's a snap with Pair-A-Keets.

Chelsea: If you like shortcuts that definitely take a lot longer, you'll love Pair-A-Keet.

narrator: And now the Korean exercise craze that brings the power of horseback riding right into your living room.

man: Ace Power.

man: Horseback riding: it's great exercise and strengthens your lower body. But come on, everyone, let's face it, who can afford it ? Am I right ?

woman: Now anybody can workout easily at any time. Introducing Ace Power, the horseback riding machine.

Leif: I was gonna try Pilates, but that was before I found out that masturbation counts as cardio.

man: It's just like horseback riding. It's easy, fun and very exciting.

Brad: Any more exciting and you're gonna have to buy that thing dinner.

man: It's just like drawing a figure eight.

Billy: It's just like drawing a figure eight, uh... with a magic marker stuck up your butt.

man: So now you know, horseback position is great exercise.

woman: However, it is very difficult to do the position, right ?

Kevin: Was she trying to ride an invisible horse ? I think she might have bigger problems.

man: It is simple. You can put yourself into a horseback riding position just by sitting on the machine. As you go up and down, you can feel the full force on your thighs, hips, abdomen and even sphincter.

woman: Finally, an answer for my weak sphincter.

man: Abs, butt, coochie... Ace Power tightens it all.

♪♪

man: My wife always used to turn away from me. It would upset me very much and I would stay out late. However, now things have changed. It's funny. Why ? I can't tell you. It's funny. Anyway, she is a different person now. It's really funny.

Dan: She probably has a frowny face 'cause she's hearing that creepy laugh all the time. ( man laughing ) I wouldn't ( bleep ) him either.

( man laughing )

announcer: Home horseback riding with Ace Power.

man: Ace Power !

Mike T.: Man, their workout equipment sure looks stupid. Now where was I ?

( man laughing )

narrator: Coming up, the perfect chest for the Wild West. And all of the fun, none of the sun. Plus, can this ring save your marriage ?

woman: When you say, "'Til death do us part," you mean it.

narrator: Find out when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

♪♪

narrator: Our countdown continues at number 17 with an invention that's both intimate and deadly.

announcer: Does this woman look dangerous ? How 'bout now ? Or now... or now ?

Mike T.: Stop or my tits will shoot.

announcer: It's The Flashbang.

Mike B.: That sounds like a porno movie that's too fast.

announcer: Being fashionable makes it difficult for women to carry concealed. Now women can dress how they want, carry concealed, and have a fast response time.

Jared: You know, in the past, it was hard for a lady to be fashionable and be a murderer.

Kevin: I really don't understand the strategy of hiding a gun where most dudes are looking anyway.

announcer: The Flashbang secures to the center of your bra. Tuck the nose and the handle of the pistol under the wire and you're set.

Loni: Who needs a Flashbang bra ? I got my girls.

Jaime: No offense to me, but I don't think I could hide any gun under these.

announcer: When you need your gun, just pull down on the handle.

Chelsea: Ooh, please let it catch on her stomach piercing.

announcer: It's easy.

Chelsea: Damn it.

announcer: The Flashbang can carry several types: 38s, 380s and other small pistols. With The Flashbang, there is no need for baggy clothing or a purse.

man: Excuse me, ma'am, federal boob inspector. Now for the safety of everybody here, I'm gonna have to take a look at your fun bags.

announcer: Ladies, take the gun out of your purse and carry it on your person. The Flashbang-- revolutionizing concealed carry for women. Nothing comes between a woman and her gun.

Kevin: Is there any way we can see that commercial again... like slowly ?

♪♪

commentator: Freeze, mister. Stick 'em up.

announcer: Uh-oh, not again. The power went out. It's hard to see with that old, weak flashlight. And if it doesn't come on soon, you're stuck holding it all night.

Rachel: Come on, get it together, Julia Child. How hard is it to boil pasta with the lights off ?

announcer: Don't keep a bunch of old flashlights in a drawer. They never work when you need them. You need the Olde Brooklyn Lantern-- the vintage-style lantern with new LED technology.

John: ( bleep ) do we need lanterns for ? This is America. Not like our power ever goes off. What the ( bleep ) ?!

announcer: The Olde Brooklyn Lantern lasts night after night after night.

Brendon: Hey, how you doin' ? I'm from Brooklyn. Are you from Brooklyn ? Are you scared of the dark ? Well, now we got the Brooklyn Lantern.

announcer: The Olde Brooklyn Lantern provides a brighter, whiter light that fills the whole room.

Leif: All right, turn that thing off. My God, that furniture's ugly.

announcer: The Olde Brooklyn Lantern has nine ultra-bright LED bulbs that shine for 100,000 hours. That's right, 100,000 hours.

woman: I'll be dead by the time this goes off.

announcer: Perfect for that party on the patio... or light up the campsite.

Mike T.: All right, let's just get to the part where they tell me to use it in my RV.

announcer: On the road, in the RV.

Mike T.: There it is, okay.

announcer: The Olde Brooklyn Lantern has the power to light up the night. Made of genuine metal with an authentic antique dome.

Billy: Genuine metal, you say ? Color me skeptical.

announcer: Now just 12.99. But wait, call right now and you can double your order.

Mike T.: Two Brooklyn Lanterns ? That'll be great for when the British attack by sea.

announcer: It's an amazing deal.

♪♪

announcer: Today, I would like to introduce you to a very exciting new product that addresses a very serious issue. I am talking, of course, about EDP: eating dry popcorn.

Chelsea: Is there any way we can get a nerdier voice for the voiceover ? Someone who's definitely never had sex.

announcer: Standard layering at the concession stand generally leaves large portions of the popcorn dry. Introducing the Flavor Funnel. Our multi-tiered funnel effectively solves the problem of layering the butter evenly throughout your bag of popcorn.

Mike B.: For faster results, why don't you just insert it directly into your vein ?

Loni: When I'm at the movies, I let them know. Put some layer of butter before you put the popcorn in. Then put another layer of butter. I give them instructions. You don't need no funnel.

announcer: It's great for use at the movies or at home. But whatever you do, don't be like this guy we caught on camera.

Kevin: And by "caught on camera," we mean "blatantly staged in a movie theater."

man: Rick, oh ! What are you doing, man ? I see you making a mess over here. Dude ?

Rick: I'm trying to get the popcorn butter... all the way to the bottom of the bag. It's not working... I'm making a mess.

Ted: When your head looks like it's that close to exploding, I don't think butter distribution is the biggest problem in your life.

man: You know what, man, here, you know what, try my Flavor Funnel. I've got an extra one, dude.

Rick: Flavor Funnel ?

man: Yeah, it'll layer the butter all the way through your popcorn. You don't need to do anything.

Mike T.: Ho-ho, yeah, you can pour your butter in my funnel any day. Is that weird ?

man: Pour it really-- Yeah, see, it goes really easy right down the four funnels. See that ? Perfectly layered butter.

Rick: Sweet.

man: Hey !

Rick: Crap ! I didn't do nothing !

Brad: The fact that somebody took the time to invent this, I'm assuming we've already cured cancer, solved global warming and have flying cars ?

announcer: It's great for use at the movies or at home.

♪♪

narrator: People will try almost anything to stop the march of time.

announcer: The Luscious Lip Pump will make you look ten years younger.

narrator: When an invention promises eternal youth, it doesn't matter how ridiculous...

announcer: With the Zapper, simply zap away those spider veins.

narrator: ... how embarrassing...

announcer: Say goodbye to cellulite with Magic Mud.

narrator: ... or even how painful it may be.

announcer: Botox does it best.

narrator: Which brings us to China, where women are going to scary lengths to protect their skin.

announcer: For centuries, Chinese women have been on a quest to maintain porcelain white skin. But time on the beach makes it almost impossible. Now we have the answer: Face-Kini.

Chris: This summer, scary bondage masks aren't just for the basement.

Dan: Oh, my God, I think she was one of the monsters in "Hellraiser II." Or was it three ?

commentator: It was Four.

announcer: Face-Kini protects your face from harmful ultra-violet rays, making beach time safe and fun.

Billy: Face-Kini can prevent skin cancer by scaring skin cancer away.

Brad: This is delightful. I'm ready for a day at the beach.

announcer: Face-Kini is made of 100% breathable Lycra and completely covers your head, leaving openings for the mouth, nose and eyes.

Jaime: And the resulting panda tan is just adorable.

Tonya: When I go to the beach, I don't wanna look like a porpoise, thank you.

( porpoise squeaking )

announcer: Face-Kini is one-size-fits-all and comes in many styles and colors to fit your unique personality.

Danny: None of which will make you look less crazy.

announcer: Use Face-Kini for all things in the sun. Go swim, walk or just relax. Why not ? With Face-Kini, you are covered.

Chuck: Okay, if these women's faces are anything like their bodies, then thank you, Face-Kini.

announcer: Get yours today.

Marianne: I think I'd rather have wrinkles, thanks.

♪♪

commentator: Bonus invention.

announcer: Do you want to save money, save time, save up to 50% on groceries ? Make money from home ? All this information and so much more can be yours in the brand-new "Who Knew ?" books.

Kevin: Pretty specific marketing pitch. These books can help you with your problems if your problems involve... like, whatever.

announcer: First, you'll receive "Who Knew ?" with almost 400 pages filled with over 10,001 easy solutions to everyday problems.

Brendon: Well, you gotta admit, that is an everyday problem: sticky playing cards.

announcer: Reuse items around your home, make home repairs easier, lower energy costs, even learn Grandpa and Grandma's secret.

Leif: I already learned about Grandma and Grandpa's secrets when I opened up the bedroom door without knocking.

commentator: Oh, Grandpa made a mess.

announcer: Next, you'll also get "More Who Knew ?" with almost 500 pages containing thousands of money-saving secrets.

Todd: Instead of wearing condoms, there's something called the rhythm method. Who knew ?

announcer: And finally, you'll receive "Beauty Secrets" that shows you the money-saving way to make some of the finest beauty products available to you for pennies.

Daisy: Beauty products. Try some moisturizer. Don't squint when you're pooping. Who knew ?

announcer: And remember, you must order now to take advantage of our free shipping offer. So don't wait. Call or go online and order yours right now.

Brad: Yeah, if I can go online, I'm pretty sure I don't need your books.

narrator: Coming up... a tail from the Orient. Plus, this toilet is overflowing with attitude.

woman: Hey, little man, put the seat down.

narrator: And later, what on earth is this invention for ?

Brad: Oh, it's a bib for little baby drag queens.

John: Or is it Brad's tank top ?

narrator: Find out when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

♪♪

narrator: Marriage is a delicate balance between being yourself and not annoying your spouse. But with the right invention, couples can find a peaceful compromise.

announcer: With BrightFeet, late-night trips to the bathroom won't wake your spouse.

announcer: The Better Marriage Blanket, saving your loved ones from those late-night emissions.

narrator: Which brings us to number 13 on our countdown.

announcer: Hey, ladies. Down here, it's me, TipAlert. See me now ? I talk to the guys in your life and remind them to put the seat down. Here comes one now. Watch. Okay, he's ready to leave...

( commentator whistling )

woman: Down, boy.

( commentator cheering )

man: Oh, God, how... That is the worst commercial I've ever seen.

( toilet flushing )

Mike T.: Just what the bathroom needs, nagging. That way it'll match the rest of the house.

announcer: Just pull the power strip and stick me on the seat. If the seat doesn't go back down, I speak up. It's that easy.

commentator: So put the seat down, will you ?

( commentator cheering

)Jared: It's like KITT from "Knight Rider" if you could pee in KITT's mouth.

announcer: TipAlert is fun and really works.

Mike B.: I can't wait to pee again.

woman: Down, boy.

Brad: Can I get a "please" and a "thank you," TipAlert ? God, robot toilets have no manners.

woman: Hey, little man, put the seat down.

John: Call me "little man" ? I'll ( bleep ) piss all over that seat.

announcer: Order now and get two TipAlerts for the price of one.

( commentator cheering )

woman: Down, boy.

The Greg: Ladies, it's not that we don't remember. It's that we don't care.

♪♪

man: From Japan comes an exciting new invention that draws from the past to influence the future.

woman: SiliFulin is a robot tail that moves in reaction to human movement. This is one of the device art pieces by Ryota Kuwakubo, an artist who fuses art with devices.

Chuck: You know, when I said I wanted to see a little tail, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Kevin: You've gotta give it to the Japanese, because their inventions are easily the creepiest in the world.

woman: SiliFulin gives people the opportunity to once again experience having tail, which is one component discarded by humans during the evolutionary process.

Jaime: Evolution happened for a reason. Why turn back now ?

woman: The SiliFulin is worn around your waist just like a fanny pack.

Mike T.: I thought we discarded fanny packs in the evolutionary process of leaving the '90s.

Leif: I'm gonna wear it in the front.

( commentators groaning )

woman: Once the user becomes accustomed to wearing the robot, he or she can move the tail with natural movements that make it look as if the user has actually grown a tail.

Jamie: Because nothing's more natural than having suddenly grown a tail.

commentator: Okay, now, turn around, turn around. Good, good, now shake it.

Ted: Mom, before you meet my girlfriend, Suki, you should know she wears an albino elephant on her ass.

commentator: Sashay back and forth like that, like, uh, you know, you're a pussy cat.

man: SiliFulin, honor the past with a futuristic device.

Mike B.: SiliFulin, that is a perfect name for this. 'Cause if you go buy this ( bleep ), you are a silly fool.

announcer: It's happened again. The dinner party's over and you're left with an unfinished bottle of wine. You've tried plastic wrap, tin foil, even wrestling the cork back into the bottle, but nothing seems to work.

Chuck: See, this is what happens when you designate a driver: wasted wine.

announcer: Now you can stop wasting time, money and wine with Air Cork. It's the cork that you control. Just insert the Air Cork balloon into the bottle and pump to inflate. The seal keeps air out and keeps wine in. No spills.

Jamie: I think I got one of these for my bachelorette party. I did not put it in a wine bottle.

announcer: Plus, the grape-shaped pump looks great in any kitchen.

Chelsea: Another option would be to quit drinking 'cause you're definitely getting a little desperate.

announcer: To release, simply press the valve above the pump and remove the balloon when you're ready to pour another glass.

♪♪

Jaime: I taste the cherry and oak and... Is that latex ?

announcer: Order now and the first 100 callers get free shipping.

Mike: Why don't you just polish off the bottle, you Nancy ?

♪♪

announcer: If you're one of the people that have extra material on the back of your pants-- maybe you have a thinner waistline and it never seems to fit just right ? We have the perfect solution. It's called My Booty Belt.

Rachel: Is your ass so massive that it's affecting your everyday life ?

Leif: Call me crazy. Why don't you just buy a pair of pants that fit ?

man: Here's Allison Vetter .Hi, Allison.

Allison: Hi, John.

John: Thanks for being here.

Allison: Thank you.

John: Now, I've been told-- Now I've seen it when I've been out but I've been told that that tends to be a problem area for many women.

Mike T.: Well, which one is it, John ? Have you been told or have you seen it ?

Allison: It's definitely a problem. I know, whenever I sit down, I hate when I have a little gap.

Daisy: Oh, my God. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Brad: Ladies, I think I can speak for all straight men when I say they don't really mind when they can see down your pants.

John: The only way to fix that would probably be either wear a different kind of belt, or, what, maybe take it to an alteration company ?

Brendon: Is alteration company even a thing ?

man: Oh, no, sir, I assure you, the alteration company is quite real. We're a multinational conglomerate specializing in hemming pants.

John: How easy is that to put together ?

Allison: Oh, it's extremely easy-- it just snaps. You just put it right in between your belt loops, snap it around. It takes ten seconds. Just snap it in, and you're set.

Jaime: What, no fashionable designs ? Zebra perhaps ?

John: Now remember, My Booty Belt comes in different sizes.

Marianne: Small, medium and "damn, girl."

John: We recommend that you get several of the sizes 'cause you never know exactly where the belt loops might be in either your jeans or a pair of slacks or shorts.

Loni: This is why I keep my waistline bigger than my ass.

announcer: Order your Booty Belt today.

Mike B.: ♪ Pants too big ♪♪ That gap is felt ♪♪ Go and get that Booty Belt ♪♪ That Booty Belt ♪♪ Go on girl it's your duty ♪♪ Drop it to the ground ♪♪ And belt that booty ♪♪ Just belt that booty ♪♪

narrator: Coming up... I robot... you drunks. Plus, committing multiple pesticides. And how can this make you feel like this ? ( woman laughing ) Find out when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

♪♪

narrator: We're back and inside the top ten. At number nine, it's time to join the swat team.

announcer: Bugs, they're everywhere-- on the deck, the porch, even in the house. What if you could finally put these nasty pests in their place for good. Now you can with the revolutionary StickySwat bug terminator. StickySwat is clean and simple. Insert a disposable Sticky trap and with an easy pull on the trigger and a quick swoop, you'll be stopping bugs in midair.

Kevin: Finally, we humans have a tactical advantage over tiny, near-brainless insects.

announcer: Other products are difficult to use and leave behind a disgusting mess.

Dan: I am physically incapable of using a normal fly swatter or rolled up newspaper to take care of my pests. And no, ha-ha, I never made varsity in anything.

announcer: The StickySwat snags pests right out of the air-- flies, bees, wasps. No matter what insect is bugging you, the StickySwat has you covered.

Marianne: Close my windows and clean my kitchen, no thanks. I'd rather be constantly killing something.

announcer: StickySwat is great for removing insects from walls and ceilings too.

Jared: StickySwat lets you see the insect writhe in torture and slowly die.

commentator: Help me.

announcer: StickySwat rids pests in a germ-free manner with no direct contact.

Daisy: I think this family might have better luck if they just move that rotting cow corpse out of their room.

announcer: And disposal of the Sticky trap is easy. Just press the release tabs and it's in the garbage and out of sight.

man: StickySwat's amazing. Does this work on nagging wives ?

commentator: Bryan.

announcer: Order now and put bugs in their place and out of yours with StickySwat.

♪♪

Neta: Hi, I'm Neta and have I got something for you-- the Hot-n-Tidy Transport Strap. Have you ever had problems transporting your hot dishes to a picnic or other social event ?

Chelsea: Oh, I don't live in New Jersey, but thank you.

Neta: Have you ever had to wrap your hot dish in a towel only to have it slip out of your hands and break your dish ?

Dan: Something tells me she's never made a casserole, let alone transported one.

Neta: Or how about having it sit on your lap in the car or even have to place it on the car floor just to have it slide and spill all over the inside of your car ?

Jared: This product sounds like it's the solution to something that happened to this woman one time.

Neta: This problem disappears with the Hot-n-Tidy Transport Strap.

Jaime: That's a pretty fancy name for a giant rubber band.

Neta: Transport it now safely, even with one hand.

Brendon: This is great for when you're delivering that casserole to your grandma's house and you only wanna use one hand. You know what I mean ?

Neta: The cover stays in place. No more spills. Just a peace of mind knowing your food gets to where it needs to be safely and spill-free.

Ted: Who hauls hot food everywhere in their pots and pans ? What are these people, gypsies ?

Neta: You can also carry... fireplace wood... laptops, and even awkward boxes.

Rachel: You can also carry severed heads... water bongs... and Danny Bonaduce.

Danny: Hey, sweet tits.

Neta: What are you waiting for ? Order your Hot-n-Tidy Transport Strap and feel confident that your food will get to where it needs to be, ready to serve.

Marianne: Nah, I buy Tupperware. Solves all these problems. And it was invented a long time ago so we all knows about it. But good luck.

♪♪

narrator: Nothing is more relaxing than kicking back with an ice cold beer. And through the years, countless inventions have made the beer-drinking process even easier.

announcer: You'll never lose your beer again with the Beer Pager.

man: Nice.

narrator: From this...

announcer: Beerbelly, the first ever portable beer dispenser.

narrator: ...to this.

announcer: Now with the Redneck Beer Holster, you can fish and drink.

narrator: And with our next invention, you won't even have to lift a finger.

announcer: Beer is great, but opening the can is such a pain. You can break a nail on those tricky little tabs, or end up spraying beer everywhere. If you're sick of the struggle, a team of Japanese researchers have found your solution: The Asahi Robocco BeerBot. This mini robot stores up to six cans of beer in its refrigerated belly.

Kevin: So he's a lightweight.

The Greg: Party, Will Robinson. Party, party.

announcer: When you're ready for a drink, just press the red button and the BeerBot will open a can and dispense a beer into a mug.

( robot speaking Japanese )

Brad: While I'm waiting for a beer, I might as well learn to play the guitar. Let's see... "A"- "A"- "A"- "A." "E"- "E"- "E." ♪♪♪♪ Is my beer ready yet ? ( robot speaking Japanese ) Still no ? Okay.

Jaime: Ah, that robot gives more head than Marianne... when she bartends.

( robot speaking Japanese )

Billy: How much does this perfect woman-- I mean, beer-pouring robot cost ?

announcer: The Asahi Robocco BeerBot can be yours for just $799.

Mike B.: That is an expensive can opener.

announcer: The Asahi Robocco BeerBot, the perfect bartender.

John: Man, this ( bleep ) new guy, he's taking all my tips. He doesn't even do this. What the ( bleep ) ?!

( robot speaking Japanese )

announcer: You love your husband. But let's face it...

man: Ooh.

announcer: ... boys will be boys.

man: How you doing, baby ?

announcer: Slipping off that wedding ring is so easy, right ?

man: Yeah.

announcer: Not anymore. With the Anti-Cheating Ring, you've got nothing to fear.

woman: Put it on.

announcer: This revolutionary wedding band is made from jewelry-grade-strengthened titanium and features our unique negative engraving.

Jaime: Express your love and your lack of trust.

Brad: You could buy this ring or you could just not marry a cheating douchebag.

announcer: Never again will he forget his vows. And you don't have to worry about another woman claiming she didn't realize he was yours.

woman: Oh... Jerk.

Jared: This may come as a shock, but there are people out there who will have sex with a married person. And they're going to hell, but they are out there.

announcer: Order now, and for a limited time only, get the Anti-Cheating Ring for just ten easy payments of $54.99.

The Greg: You know what also works. Losing 30 pounds and dressing like you still give a ( bleep ).

announcer: Because when you say, "'Til death do us part," you mean it. And with the Anti-Cheating Ring, so will he.

Mike T.: If the Anti-Cheating Ring is the only thing keeping you and your husband together, I think it's time to part ways. That or have kids. I hear that fixes things.

narrator: And now for your second bonus invention.

announcer: Those winter nights in bed can be a real burden. Blankets keep you warm but did you know that 80% of your body's heat escapes through your head ? Hats are too much but nothing else seems to do the trick. Until now. HoodiePillow to the rescue. The first pillow with its very own hood.

Loni: Haven't we had enough problems with hoodies ?

announcer: Our patented design is crafted from the finest cotton and includes drawstrings, so you'll always have a custom snuggly fit.

Jaime: I've always thought my pillow would be so much more comfortable if it were attached to me.

Mike T.: Finally, I can get some shut-eye while my cooler roommate hangs out with his friends.

announcer: Use HoodiePillow while reading, watching TV or even on the go.

Jamie: Reading or watching TV, sure, but on the go ? People might see you.

announcer: Only the HoodiePillow can provide "cocoonification," helping you block the stresses of the outside world.

Brad: "Cocoonification" is not a word, and it sounds mildly racist.

announcer: So what are you waiting for ? Get your very own HoodiePillow today.

narrator: Coming up: Wait 'til you get wind of this invention. ( woman screaming ) Plus, round and round it goes.

announcer: Magic ? Maybe.

narrator: What it does, nobody knows. And still guessing.

Kevin: All right, so this is for someone who works in a strip club but also is about to eat lobster.

Billy: Okay, I'll bite. What the ( bleep ) is it ?

narrator: Find out when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

♪♪

narrator: We're back to the countdown. And at number five, prepare to be blown away.

announcer: Let's face it, the wind blows and blow and blows. You have an umbrella for protection from the wind and sun but watch out. A flapping in the wind, wild, crazy tumbling umbrella will ruin your day. But not anymore. Introducing WhatWind. The new way to never worry about wind again.

Mike T.: Can you say "white people problems" ?

Vinnie: Hi, I'm Vinnie Minasi. My family and I love the outdoors. That's why I invented WhatWind, the most effective umbrella stabilizer ever.

announcer: WhatWind is super easy to use. Just add sand or rocks or dirt to the base or loop to your table. Then loop, loop and loop again and you'll have perfect protection that's easy, safe and secure.

The Greg: Then you tie a halyard knot and you pull that into a bowline, and you close it off with a farmer's hitch. Easy.

announcer: WhatWind is super strong and guaranteed to hold. Look at this actual video of WhatWind holding tight during Hurricane Irene. Wow.

Billy: Thanks to the WhatWind, our family is enjoying hurricane season much more this year.

Rachel: The tornado's growing. Help. Where's the WhatWind ?

Mike T.: Someone help me !

announcer: Use WhatWind on your patio, at the beach, camping, picnics and flea markets. And ho, ho, ho, WhatWind is perfect for holiday decorations so they don't blow, blow, blow away.

Mike B.: "Oh, no, all my Kwanza decorations are blowing away." Said no one on Long Island.

Vinnie: I personally guarantee your WhatWind will always hold or your money back.

Brendon: Give me a call when you invent a product that keeps my wife from blowing my neighbor.

Vinnie: No matter how windy it is outside, you can always use WhatWind and have a beautiful day.

Brad: You know, based on the name, I assumed this was gonna be a fart product. I'm a little disappointed.

announcer: Summer turns your shoes into a hot, sticky swamp. You wanna take them off, but what about that smell ? ♪♪ You've tried smelly sprays and messy powders to keep your feet feeling fresh, but nothing works. Now there's a clean and easy way to cool your feet: Thanko USB Foot Cooler. It's a state-of-the-art cooling system that fits right into your shoe.

Rachel: How can I fix this rancid odor while alienating myself further from others ?

announcer: Just strap the flexible tube to your leg and slip one end into your shoe. A small pump blows cooling air right under your feet.

The Greg: It's so simple, even a mechanical engineer can do it.

announcer: A USB cable lets you power the fan with your mobile device when you're out or with a computer when you're at work. No batteries required.

Jared: Yeah, hey, sorry, my phone's almost dead. I've been using it to cool my feet. To cool my feet.

announcer: Tired of sticky white deodorant ruining your clothes ? You can even strap the tube to your arm and cool your armpit. No more mess.

Danny: If I'm using this on my armpits, I hope people mistake me for a drug addict. That would be less embarrassing.

announcer: Sweaty shoes and feet aren't your problem anymore. Summer's a breeze with the USB foot cooler.

Daisy: I am really excited about this product. I'm prepared to give any testimonial. But I will only be using it on my crotch.

♪♪

announcer: You've just left the hairdresser and your new cut looks great. Your hair feels fantastic but something's not right. It's those prickly bits of hair that annoy you after every single cut, that stick to your face and makeup and last for the whole evening. Facewand stops that from ever happening again. Facewand's unique disposable and transparent shield protects your face from those annoying itchy bits of hair that can cover your face during an appointment.

Danny: The Facewand, or as like to call it, protection from the money shot.

Mike T.: This is good for me 'cause I've never gotten a haircut from a barber that didn't smell.

woman: I can't breathe. I'm suffocating.

announcer: It's simple, it's revolutionary...

Brad: The personal computer was revolutionary. This is a windshield for your face.

Chelsea: Here's my Facewand. Okay, ready to go.

announcer: Facewand can make looking sensational and feeling sensational so easy to achieve.

Bryan: Not only do I not get my hair on my face, but now I can play around with beehives.

Todd: I use mine at salad bars as a personal sneeze guard. I just don't trust myself. ( sneezing )

announcer: Facewand. Order now for just 39.95.

John: Costs more than the ( bleep ) haircut. Give me a ( bleep ) break.

man: You're about to be mesmerized.

all: Fushigi !

♪♪

Tim: Hi, I'm Tim Goewey and this is Fushigi. We're gonna show you how to unlock the secrets of Fushigi, the magic gravity ball.

The Greg: It's a ball that works like a ball.

Tim: No strings, no tricks. Magic ? Maybe. You can make Fushigi defy gravity and appear to float in midair.

Daisy: Whoa, it's staying up in the air 'cause I'm holding it there.

Jaime: Thank God there's a new toy for guys with ponytails 'cause devil sticks are so done.

Tim: Young or old, big or small. Anyone can Fushigi-- with maneuvers like the prayer cross, the enigma, levitation and so many more. Even control more than one Fushigi at a time. You can do this.

Mike B.: Great, now I can play with my balls and entertain my friends at the same time.

Brad: Aren't there supposed to be like six more of these attached to a rope... sold in an adult store ? Just saying.

Tim: Everyone loves Fushigi.

woman: This is so amazing.

man: It's sick, it's so much fun, I love it.

Ted: With these pasty nerds vouching for it, I'm in.

Daisy: I love it ! Hey, you're paying us in weed, right ?

woman: Fushigi. I don't know what it is but it's the coolest thing ever and I can do it.

Brendon: There's a ponytail guy doing what ? Put his balls on you ? Come home, get out of that stupid park.

Tim: And when you order, we'll send you a free DVD that will teach your everything you need to know to unlock the secrets of Fushigi.

Brad: What kid doesn't want a toy that comes with a two-hour instructional DVD ?

Tim: It's sweeping the nation. It's Fushigi !

Mike T.: I'm almost ready to buy this but you gotta show me at least one black guy.

man: Fushigi.

Mike T.: Sold.

all: Fushigi !

narrator: You've just bought 19 of the most groundbreaking gizmos of all time. ( robot speaking Japanese ) But wait. There's one more.

announcer: Call right now and you can double your order.

narrator: The most clever contraption is still to come.

commentator: So put the seat down, will ya ?

narrator: Find out what it is when "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.

♪♪

narrator: We've reached the top spot in our countdown, and it's time to solve a gigantic mystery. Our panelists have taken their guesses.

Mike T.: I have no idea what this is for, but I bet I'm gonna feel weird that I'm touching it in a few seconds.

narrator: And we're about to reveal the purpose of this invention.

♪♪

announcer: Luxury. A man deserves luxury in every part of his day. Craftsmanship. The discerning gentlemen settles for nothing but the best. Comfort. A man wants to feel as good as he looks. Man Bib. An everyday luxury item.

Rachel: Man Bib ?

Mike B.: Are you serious ?

man: Yup.

Mike B.: This is to put around here ?

Chuck: Let me take this ( bleep ) off.

Loni: ( laughing ) Y'all so nasty. We are so nasty.

announcer: Stylish and machine washable. Man Bib fits easily into your life, but feels special any time you use it.

Daisy: Oh, okay, so you use the Man Bib for... Okay, can someone get me a lady napkin for my woman barf ?

announcer: One size fits all, but you'll feel like it was made just for you.

John: What the ( bleep ) is wrong with socks ? I mean, they've worked for ( bleep ) years.

Brad: This is gonna chaff, ladies and gentlemen.

Mike T.: This is good, 'cause whenever I feed my ( bleep ) baby food, it just gets everywhere.

announcer: Practical, yet luxurious. Man Bib makes any occasion a special occasion.

Kevin: This'll be for a very special wank.

announcer: Men everywhere are coming to the same conclusion: Just because you're alone doesn't mean there's no one to impress.

Brendon: And if you order your Man Bib now, you'll get a man diaper so you can poop at the same time, you filthy pig.

announcer: Man Bib, for the man who has the world in the palm of his hand. Man Bib.

Chelsea: Man Bibs-- great idea. JK. Just do it in the shower and stop wasting everyone's time. Thank you.

Mike B.: ♪ Pants too big ♪♪ That gap is felt ♪♪ Go and get that Booty belt ♪

Jared: Why ?

Brad: There we go, that's nice.

woman: Shut up !

John: Yuk. And there's stains on it.

Chuck: Oh.

Mike T.: What ? Oh...

Mike B.: ♪ That Booty Belt ♪ ( Brad blowing raspberry ) ♪ That Booty Belt ♪♪

Mike T.: No more.

Brendon: I eat bugs.

The Greg: Men are awesome.

Chuck: Boobies !Oh, bitch, you shot me.

Daisy: It's moving.

Jared: Why ?

Rachel: I'll just plug up this vino before I go slip into something more comfortable. ( popping )

woman: Oh, it popped.

( Rachel laughing )